I was reading Old School Zero’s komment on the AFL Beat post about sports holidays and that gave me an idea. Consider this the first of an occasional series on how we can improve our country. Today, I present to you two revolutionary concepts:
Concept the First: Stop naming schools after US Presidents!
How many fucking Wilson High Schools, Middle Schools, and Elementary Schools need to exist? It’s always the same presidents too. Pretty much every large city in the United States has a school named after either Washington, Jefferson, or Lincoln. Enough!
My proposal:
Yes, we need to start naming schools after NFL legends just like King of the Hill proposed many years ago. It makes perfect sense. I am frankly shocked that there is not a Roger Staubach Elementary School or a Troy Aikman High School in Dallas. Similarly, you would have a Franco Harris Middle School, Rocky Bleier Elementary, and Chuck Noll High School in Pittsburgh. Think of the possibilities:
Minneapolis: Fran Tarkenton Span School (K-8), Chuck Muncie Elementary, Bud Grant High School.
Kansas City: Hank Stram High School, Len Dawson Elementary, Derrick Thomas Middle, Trent Greene Special Education Center
Boston: Tom Brady Elementary, Bill Belichick Adult School, Steve Grogan Middle.
New York: Joe Namath Junior High School, Lawrence Taylor Middle School, Weeb Ewbank Early Education Center
Concept the Second: Re-organize our Holidays around Sports
Here are the public holidays that most public agency employees receive:
January – New Year’s Day, Martin Luther King Day
February – President’s Day
March – Nothing
April – Nothing
May – Memorial Day
June – Nothing
July – Fourth of July
August – Nothing
September – Labor Day
October – Columbus Day
November – Veteran’s Day, Thanksgiving Day, and Friday after Thanksgiving
December – Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve
As you can see, there are a lot of wasted days. As mentioned above, fuck the Presidents. What the hell did they ever do for us anyway? Also, while I greatly appreciate the military and all they have done, do, and will continue to do, two days of “pretending” to remember them is too much. This country treats military personnel like it treats its old people: Takes advantage of all their hard work and sacrifice and when they get to be a bother, puts them in a home and forgets about them until it’s time to trot them out to make us feel better about ourselves. Fuck that.
My proposal:
January – New Year’s Day (for recovering from the Amateur Hour drunkenness of the year before)
February – Monday after Super Bowl
March – First two days of NCAA Tournament (aka “National Vasectomy Weekend”)
April – Baseball Opening Day / NCAA Tournament Championship (forever to be held on the same Monday every year)
May – Day after F1 Monaco race, Indianapolis 500, and Coca Cola 600 NASCAR race (coincides with Memorial Day, but renamed)
June – Nothing
July – Fourth of July (because fireworks, dammit!)
August – Nothing
September – Monday of NFL Week 1 (the two Monday games can be played during the day. Celebrate with barbecues and beer.)
October – Nothing
November – Thanksgiving and Friday after Thanksgiving (aka “National High School Reunion Night”)
December – Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve
Simple enough, innit?
The first week of August should be “Fuck you, it’s too hot out”.
I only named it that because “Climate Change Awareness Week” got voted out of committee.
You left out the obvious: All-Day McDonald’s breakfast.
Name five things you could care about after a Bacon,Egg And Cheese biscuit at 9 PM. You can’t.
THIS! That may be the subject of another post. The only fast food chain I know of that does all-day breakfast is Jack In The Box. Taco Bell needs to get in on the all-day breakfast too.
Sonic. I’ve seen anti-Sonic komments but I like their breakfast food and it’s available all day.
I would also add:
November 1st, so that Halloween parties can happen on Halloween
1st Day of Spring/Summer/Fall, so that we can enjoy it. Those are generally the idealized versions of their particular seasons.
1st Day of Winter so we can prepare to have our GODDAMNED SOULS CRUSHED
Opening Day of BBQ Season (The most important day of the year)
I totally had the day after Halloween in my first draft. I was going to call it “National Post-Halloween Walk-of-Shame Day” and I even had a good picture to go with it. Then I thought it wasn’t related to sports, so I took it out.
We take Cardinals opening day off here. Even if you don’t go to the game, you may as well take the day off, since nobody goes to work, or if they do, they watch the game there. We just drink the city into oblivion.
Then we have race riots.
First komment and avatar check … is this thing on?
It’s on – nice to see you!
Shoot me a direct message here or on Uproxx with your email if you want to write any articles here and I’ll add you.
Thanks!
Chicago is quite progressive: http://www.wpcp.org/
That is AWESOME!
I am now going to spend the rest of the day thinking of ways to get June, August and October involved. I think June should get a day to celebrate the end of the hockey and basketball seasons. We could call it “Wait, They’re Still Playing?” Day
June Floating Holiday: Call it “NHL snow day in June”. Anytime a Stanley Cup playoff game goes to triple OT, the next day is off. We are all alerted via the Emergency Broadcast System and the hotties on the morning news.
Shoot me a direct message here or on Uproxx with your email if you want to write any articles here and I’ll add you.
This is, like, literally the greatest thing I’ve ever read. When I cast my 2016 presidential vote, I’m writing in “Balls”.
They’ll just give that vote to Hilary. Hurr durr something something get in the kitchen.