Preview Parade: New England Patriots

picture credit: John Defreest

So I am not a Patriots fan. At the time we divvied these previews up, DFO did not have a Resident Pats Fan- even our abject depravity has its limits.

http://usercontent2.hubimg.com/209832_f260.jpg

Not many limits, but they do exist

As a Bills fan, I am therefore faced with several options as to how to approach this preview. I could rip off Big Daddy Drew and do a hate-heavy analysis of their off-season moves. Hell, I even have a fashion-abortion polo shirt that I can wear while writing it:

http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–YusVty8y–/c_fit,fl_progressive,q_80,w_636/c7cohcbwmc4j3mnqnq5u.jpg
Not pictured: Chopped stylist who lapsed into a coma when Drew showed her what he wanted to wear.

God knows there is plenty to pick on besides Tom Terrific’s Ball Problems and Bob Kraft acting like that psychotic borderline-personality girlfriend (“Screw the league!” “Let’s hug it out!” “For the good of the league, we will accept the penalty!” “Such betrayal!” /swoon). Belichick has apparently bought back into the mid-2000s media line about the Patriots just being able to plug any mediocre player into their system and still win, because of GRIT and DO YOUR JOB and INSERT CROSSFIT MOTIVATIONAL SLOGAN HERE. They played Jenga with the roster, seeing how many pieces they could remove around Mayo, McCourty, Brady and Gronk without tumbling their tower. With the loss of their illegal second hand steadying the blocks and Goodell giving the table a significant bump with his knee, it might be that year. And fuck them in the earhole rabblerabblerabble.

But no- no one can do Drew better than Drew, and who wants to be the Go-Bots to someone else’s Transformers? I could do a semi-conventional, incredibly boring and mediocre preview and then expect to get paid for it- i.e. The Johnny Sugar.
https://s.yimg.com/fz/api/res/1.2/AX2HOJcsjmY4q6AUYaR_Kg–/YXBwaWQ9c3JjaGRkO2g9MzMwO3E9OTU7dz01OTA-/http://www.geek.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/5000-year-old-poop-590×330.jpg
Old and desiccated, but still somehow pungent

I could just hit the #GateGhazi highlights, including the typical jokes about New England fans’ reaction:
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8RWBQoaq3Pc/UQpEY37CdsI/AAAAAAACVrA/01YCFFxlTmA/s640/02+Nazi+rally,+1937.jpg
Just kidding- Greatriots fans would never be this organized

Or fans of the other AFC East teams:
http://reactiongifs.us/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/popcorn_stephen_colbert.gif

But no. Here’s the deal: the Patriots represent the very best and the very worst of modern pro football. The beauty of the game lies in its increasingly intricate strategies and the sheer artistry and athleticism of the men who execute the plays. The plug-and-play nature of the Pats’ system is a tribute to the tremendously high base-level talent currently in the league; even a pedestrian NFL talent has the tools to thrive when used the right way (except for Tim Tebow). And the adaptability of the system speaks to excellent scouting and a profound understanding of game dynamics by the New England coaching staff. The sheer, crushing competence of this team year to year deserves even my grudging respect. Our collective dark secret is that there’s not a thinking fan in the league that doesn’t wish their team could scout, draft and scheme this well.

But then “scheme” can mean two very different things, can’t it? “Coaches are obsessively competitive by nature” is a cliché for a reason, and the parity of the league means that any advantage, no matter how small, can be the difference between a 7-9 disappointment and a 9-7 playoff run. But for most of the last 14 years, there has been precious little reason for the Patriots, of all organizations, to cheat. They are generally dominant to the point where every loss (and even a close win) starts the media chatterbox going about “Are They Done?” because otherwise there isn’t a narrative to be found.

But they cheat anyway. No one I’ve spoken with (including NE fans) believes that taping the Rams’ Super Bowl practice was the only instance of them stealing opponents’ signals, and the stories of mysterious “communications difficulties” for opposing teams at Foxborough are so common as to be nearly cliché themselves. They are the Richard Nixon of the NFL- leading in the polls by 20 points but still so paranoid that we get Watergate. That paranoia, the deep-seated inferiority complex and subsequent pathological obsession with gaining every possible advantage are as much a part of The Patriot Way as substituting the short passing game for the run.

And finally, the fans. I enjoyed hearing from our more reasonable brand of KSK (/pours one out) Pats Fan, because I believe that if we can convert their cognitive dissonance into electricity, we can rip a hole in space-time to travel the galaxy. Hell, if you talk to your average TAWWWWMMMY for long enough, you can actually see a glimmer behind his glassy eyes, the dim light of unconscious realization that “OWAH TEAM WINS AND DOES IT THE RAWGHT WAYH!” doesn’t quite square with “WHO CAHRES- EHVERYBAWDY DOES IT AND THEYAH JUST JEALOUS!” Up until now, they could at least point to Tom Terrific as the trollish-but-otherwise-clean hero who was the REAL reason they won. And so now we get the protestors and loud accusations of a dark conspiracy; because he had been built up as the hero, the last scrubby plant that a Pats fan could cling to in order to keep from falling over the edge of the cliff. It’s a long, long way down, Greatriot Nation, and I don’t envy you that fall.

So yeah. Trying to do a real preview of the Patriots is somewhat pointless, because no one outside the organization really understands how the pieces they have on hand will mesh into their peculiar brand of football. They’ll probably go 2-2 during Brady’s absence and end up in the playoffs- though maybe not winning the division, which will be a nice change. Garappolo will be competentish with one good game (looking at you, Jags) that will raise fans’ hopes. The offense will continue to find holes as if they know what the defense has called *ahem*. If opposing teams can capitalize on Belichick’s questionable secondary and pass rush, maybe we’ll see them miss the postseason

But it really won’t make any difference to the endgame- the paranoia will increase, along with the insidious creeping unease as Pats fans get a preview of the fast-approaching Life Without Brady. But that blend of persecution complex, undue sense of accomplishment and buried anxiety about the future will keep growing and festering. Enjoy the view, Pats Fan, before that last root gives way.

Prediction:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSPNQ82Sq4E&w=420&h=315]

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; aloof yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called some of these things.
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Cuntler

I am not sure if you saw it, but Brady’s lawyer released his litigation strategy today:

http://i.imgur.com/iKSumCq.gif

blaxabbath

“INSERT CROSSFIT MOTIVATIONAL SLOGAN HERE”

Pain is weakness leaving the body.

Training is the opposite of hoping.

http://www.ecrossfit.com/home/images/womens_green_workout.jpg

ballsofsteelandfury

Has anyone dated a girl that was really into Crossfit? I’m curious, how was the pegging?

montythisseemsstrangetome

DO YOU EVEN CHEAT BRO?

Sep

There’s some CrossFit ladies that come into work. It’s… Really unfair.

WhyEaglesWhy

This is fantastic. As you say, forecasting any Patriots’ season is a fool’s errand other than to say they’ll be very good. Nobody outside that building knows why they got rid of players or added others, and how it all fits.

You recognized it and transformed the preview into an examination of why it’s so hard, and for that, I salute you.

Sep

I feel like the Watergate comparison is ample. This is all way past the point of “Plausible Deniability” now right? I ain’t no fancy city slicker lawyer (or even a kissing cousin hick lawyer for that matter) but I feel like someone should just yield already so we don’t have to hear about it anymore.

When an unstoppable Ginger Hammer meets an immovable Troll Genius, does anyone even give a fuck anymore?

Great write up, by the way.

Sill Bimmons

What’s wrong with that guy’s thumbs and head?

montythisseemsstrangetome

They’re so disgusted by the shirt that they’re trying to leave his body.

Enrico Pallazzo

Bob Kraft killed his wife. Never forget.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Don T

Really liked this preview. NE has been The Club in the NFL; hard to argue when they win with Kevin Faulk converting 3rd downs every single time and Troy Brown (and sometimes Edelman) filling not-catastrophically as DB. And, I hate to say it, but they were just amazing and focused in the SB 2nd half, despite SEA’s kill- and cheapshots.
If only Pats fans did not play so readily the “hater” card, I might even enjoy watching their maddening competence year after year. Go Bills/Jets/Dolphins!

Cuntler

They really are the San Antonio Spurs of the NFL, but a lot less likable (which is like being less likable than wallpaper).

Don T

But with cheatin’ ‘n murderin’

Smithchez

The weird thing is, I used to be friendly with Boston fans. Back in the pre-Brady days when football wasn’t big in Boston (despite the insistence of Greatriot fans), Red Sox and Mets fans were generally on the same page. Both teams were overshadowed by the big evil empire Yankees, who took the press from the Mets every single year and whose fans openly mocked rival Boston’s long championship drought. We were both the lovable losers, and they fucking hated the “count the rings” argument. OH did they hate it. The “1918” chant was like nails on a chalkboard.

Then all of a sudden, the Patriots win a couple SBs and ring counting and date checking (as well as the weird thing about liking how much people hate you) start to seem really fun. They became the monsters they despised almost instantly, and with zero self-awareness as to their change in mentality. Fuck these people. They deserve NOTHING. I hope Tom Brady wins his court case with Goodell and tears both ACLs jogging down the courthouse steps.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Jethro

Cubs fans will be this way soon. Red Sox Mid-West is coming, friends.

KidFlash

As a Buffalo sports fan, this thought fucking terrifies me. Doesn’t even matter what sport – if either the Sabres or Bills ever win titles, the whole area is going to go from ULTIMATE UNDERDOG to insufferable assholes faster than you can say Jack Eichel.

ballsofsteelandfury

Oh well done! This was always going to be a tough one to do and you handled it admirably.

Now, who do we make the sacrifice to in order to ensure Brady’s and the Patriots’ demise? Asking for a friend.

montythisseemsstrangetome

I believe the man’s name is Pollard.

Sill Bimmons

Tim Tebow is neither a pedestrian nor a talent. Discuss.

Jethro

I would drive over Teebz.
Pedestrian!

King Hippo

oh, these rancid gravy shitstains will go 11-5 and win the division. The best we can hope for (well, after GIANT METEOR) is that such will mean they lose out on home field, to a team that can do something with it (ie, NAWT the Fat Humps).

Denver won’t happen because God hates me, but I would take a Pittsburgh or even a Balmer. ANYBODY but the goddamned Pats.

Rev, the Nazi rally pic was a damned fine touch. And apt. Oh my sweet baby Jeebus, how very apt.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

11-5? I can see that; they don’t really have a viable threat in the division, maybe Miami and the rest of the defenses will give them problems but won’t be able to score enough.

http://33.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_man0luj0m51re4ylro1_250.gif

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

If that is the case; let’s get ready…..

http://33.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_man0luj0m51re4ylro2_250.gif

blaxabbath

Yeah – where can I get a “Meteor/Ice Age 2016” tank top?

KidFlash

As a fellow Bills fan, I have one thing to say: outstanding.

Cuntler

I kind of like the way the AFC is shaping up this year. NAWT A CLEAH FAVORITE. NO ONE DENIES THIS.

Don T

i have the Steelers as a clear favorite, then Colts, and a sneaking suspicion that the Bengals will pop their playoff cherry.

ballsofsteelandfury

The Bengals will pop their cherry at the same time Tebow will.

Don T

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA That’s just mean. I love it.

Sharkbait

Have NATO and Phisherman defected yet? Or am I the only Pats fan here?

The Maestro

Nah, I made it here too!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Glad to see you here….. not glad to see your avatar.

http://31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_madmbnJRfh1re4ylro11_r1_250.gif

WCS

I seem to recall NATO saying he was being sent abroad (not deployed), and won’t be back for a while. He’s in for a surprise when he does get back.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I ordered a broad once, she took off with my good stuff once she learned English from Gilligan’s Island reruns. Not doing that again…….

this year.

http://31.media.tumblr.com/4bf10d36aaa4f94c4895ea47836989bf/tumblr_nse0xazWuJ1s1gbs9o2_400.gif

Duchess

I believe the reason why the Patriots and Saints both feel like it’s “Us against the World” is because the fans social interaction usually involves the phrase “The People Versus”.

Lord Joe Don Looney

This is the best article I’ve read so far about Deflate-gate, Bountygate and who the NFL (aka The Gingerhammer) is really trying to screw:

http://www.footballbyfootball.com/column/deflating-a-con-man-how-not-to-be-a-sucker-on-nfl-player-rights

/dick joke

Lord Joe Don Looney

Sir, your hate is in fine mid-season form. It is glorious. I just want to drink it in. You hate does feed me.

The thing that is disturbing is the appearance that one is agreeing with the Gingerhammer and his definition of science. Only if the troll-genius could manipulate footballs the way the NFL does with the truth. You know that Mike Kensil has been behind the deflatgate? His hatred of Belichick goes back to ’99 and is more intense than yours.

I am in very poor shape when it comes to hate. I am sure when the season starts, it will kick in. Right now, I am going to enjoy a Southern Tier double IPA and relax into this evening.

Cheers!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Some Pats fan stopped fucking that chicken when they mistook a bearded vulture (Gypaetus barbatus) for a regular domestic hen.

http://41.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m3fdzoSCX41ruk17ko1_500.jpg

ballsofsteelandfury

Here is the thing: the union is where it is because no player gives a shit about the other players. The author himself admits that he said stupid things about Bountygate because he didn’t care enough to get adequate information.

The only team that voted against the CBA was the Steelers. This was because our players had felt Goodell’s injustice first-hand and knew he would only get worse.

So now your team is on the receiving end and NOW you understand how bad labor rights are? No shit, Sherlock, but it’s your own fucking fault. Don’t be so fucking selfish next time.

KidFlash

Yeah, a lawyer on Twitter brought up the fact that most judges would merely point to the CBA and go ‘yeah, that’s dumb… but the NFLPA signed off on it, so work that shit out after you GTFO of my courtroom.’

I mean, who the hell knows what the actual ruling will be, but this NYC-based lawyer felt that Brady’s chances of getting the injunction were extremely unlikely with this particular judge.

Old School Zero

Goddamnit, this preview made me actually think.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

(excellent preview, however)

Duchess

So I shouldn’t leave the Texan write up blank?

Sharkbait

Error 404: Team not found

Don T

I’ll take TEN gladly!

ballsofsteelandfury

– Ron Jeremy

ballsofsteelandfury

Also

-any porn star

ballsofsteelandfury

Also also

– (name)’s mom

Don T

Also accepted, “Like last night”

Warthog

Well done. When I finished reading I shouted out, who deflated the balls? After all, it was you and me!

Senor Weaselo

Sympathy for the Troll

Duchess

People forget that Teabow was not gritty enough for the Greatriots.