PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACKERS WOO

PACKERS WON THE SUPER BOWL

/door flies open

//finishes bottle of Spotted Cow

///throws bottle into pile off to the side

////cracks open bottle of Riverwest Stein

Good morning.  I am here to talk about the NFL team known as the Green Bay Packers for 2015.  I forgot my notes, but what do I really need to say?  It’s been basically the same story for the past six seasons.  Yeah, one year they win it all, one year they can’t make it past the wild card round.  Not too long ago I read almost every training camp update and tweet. Now?  I’m so used to the pattern that I only know that…well, fuck.

The drama of training camp becomes so irrelevant come week 1 that it’s not worth paying attention to.  There are THREE THINGS I THINK I THINK MAYBE 1864% LEGIT CHANCE WITCHITA that I’m interested in this training camp, and two are on offense.  One is Richard Rodgers, a TE that looked good in camp last year and should contribute more in 2015.  Another are the backup QBs, Scott Tolzien, Matt Blanchard and Brett Hundley.  Tolzien was a damn fine QB in college, but very meh in the NFL.  Blanchard is the shittier version of Tolzien, who failed at Northern Michigan and transferred to Wisconsin-Whitewater.

"Okay guys, pretend like you're fisting"
“Pound the Rock” MORE LIKE POUND THE COCK

Brett Hundley is the most intriguing because he comes from an option offense at UCLA and could eventually replace Tolzien as a backup.  PACKERS FOOTBALL: CATCH THE EXCITEMENT OF BACKUP QB DISCUSSIONS.

And being as good as the Packers have been since Mike McCarthy (MM) put his system in place and Ted Thompson (TT) got the players he wanted, you know the story: Rodgers (and please stop saying “Rogers.” Are you as dumdfucktarded as the dumbfucks on @JSComments?) will throw for a billion yards.  Lacy will break every tackle on every carry.  The defense will DO YER JERB for a few weeks then shit the bed.  There’s more to this year’s team than what talking heads babble about.

Offensively, MM is giving playcalling duties to Tom Clements, which after the NFC title game was a very good move.  Under MM the goal line offense has been pretty mediocre, but for years we assumed it was because the OL was undersized like the Shannahan-era Broncos – better for zone runs and pass blocking.  But now with a good blocking FB and a bruising RB, there’s no excuse for what happened last season.  MM kept giving the goddamn ball to John Kuhn, who’d basically walk for three yards and fall upon contact.  The “Kuhn chants” that were once belted by fans are now almost said with an eyeroll, because Lacy is goddamn amazing and should have reduced Kuhn’s carries to once a month.

OM NOM NOM MUST GET MOAR YARDS
FATTY FAT FAT GO EAT A CHEESEBURGER FATTY

Second year WR Davante Adams should make a huge leap this year.  I’d give him a look at the later rounds of fantasy draft

Defensively, the signing of Peppers had a much bigger impact than most expected, with the exception of that asshole who expects every FA and draft pick to be the next Reggie White. You know that asshole.  Fuck that guy.  Also, Capers’ decision to finally blitz more than 3 guys helped because BJ Raji of 2014 isn’t the Raji of old and Clay Matthews can’t beat double teams.   Two key positions groups that are younger include ILB and safeties, where Clinton’s Dick has made a leap in the offseason.  The loss of Nick Collins has been tough to recover from, as Capers’ Cover 2 blitzing scheme worked best with him since he generated INTs and called effective coverages.  Dix has the potential to be as good as Collins in coverage.  ILB will be critical, as AJ “Most Mediocre Packer Ever” Hawk was shitcanned and replaced with Sam Barrington.  These two groups should be able to stop those fucking long plays that Capers’ D has given up too much of from 2012 until now.

Special teams?  Masthay has turned out to be a very good punter and Crosby is finally back to the level he was in his rookie season.  Kick return shouldn’t suck balls anymore and a return specialist would be nice, but at this point I know there are Jets fans that are reading this and would saw off their right foot for a decent QB and Browns fans that do anything for actual football-related happiness on Sunday.

I’ll open the floor to questions.  No, I won’t answer any questions about my lack of pants.  Nor will I answer any questions about having five beers before 7am.  Okay?  My realistic prediction is that the Packers will win between 10 and 12 games and come up short of a Super Bowl run in another way because football just fucks you in the ass that way.  But, since I’m drunk before most people are working, my prediction is…

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packman_jon
DFO's local Spotted Cow and Doctor Who enthusiast #GETCRUNK
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Badger

I got banned at that other place. Discovering that this oasis existed was an incredible moment. I humbly apply for a position in the DFO Packers Coalition.

Sill Bimmons

Join the Club!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Curious about the fans in the north of the state?

http://i.imgur.com/tVf3geT.gif

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Enrico Pallazzo

They’ve vastly improved by getting rid of AJ Hawk’s corpse with bad hair.

Sep

Ah yes, AJ Hawk… All the athleticism of a past-his-prime Ray Lewis.

Sep

YES!

NotAnUproxxSpy

The Packers are our favorite team over here at Uproxx.

We think Aaron Rodgers ventures into branding and corporate synergy are just really cutting edge, we love that the loyal fanbase truly believes it can somehow buy into and be part of the team- I mean that is just so close to what we are trying to achieve as a website, it’s incredible.

Clay Mathews is like human clickbait, how can you NOT love that big blonde caveman?

Look, the point is- we just feel that if there is one team that truly symbolically represents the core of the UPROXX ethos, it’s the Green Bay Packers.

If that’s not a ringing endorsement, I literally do not know what is.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Fun fact: “Ringing endorsement” is what Jason Pierre-Paul gave to Gorman’s Ear Guards.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
WCS

Producer: This preview was really good!

Studio engineer: What’d you think?

http://static2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20140115045750/mst3k/images/7/78/Image.jpg

/seriously, I laughed my pantless ass off

Vlado

Being a Cowboys fan in Wisconsin I generally find Packers fans annoying at best, insufferable at worst. But you, You I think I could like.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Huummmmmmmmmmm Cowboys fan calls Packers fans annoying to insufferable.

http://41.media.tumblr.com/c9174f0b657c3786f4375b7ffb2fb45e/tumblr_mmt699Wzzn1qcm16uo2_1280.jpg

Vlado
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No hate involved in pointing out the irony in your statement.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

My wife lost support last night. The hooks gave way and the bra strap damn near took my ear off.

Further reply fail…

Old School Zero

It’s pretty damn good out of context.

ballsofsteelandfury

Agreed. It just sounds like you survived a terrible tragedy and are sharing with us your tale.

...

/bra flies open

blaxabbath

Most anti-climactic not making it past the wildcard.

https://youtu.be/YQOe-39CnNw

blaxabbath

Wait — Scott Walker’s parents are named Llewellyn and Patricia and he’s AGAINST gay marriage?

Sill Bimmons

Don’t forget being Koch-blocked out if $900 million.

Bloody Lethal

Just wanted to say as a Giants fan I hate the Packers like a nerd hates the jock that everything comes easy to but then as the movie progresses I realize we’re more alike than we think and I realize the Packers don’t have such a great life at home and invite them over to dinner and we become best friends, but also spirited competitors. In the end we both end up happy and banging the chicks we wanted. THE END.

Cuntler

comment image

And the Patriots are Ronald Miller.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Aaron Rodgers skimmed over this comment and all he took away from it was “banging…THE END” and smiled ruefully. “Someday, Richard,” he murmured.

makeitsnowondem

Nor will I answer any questions about having five beers before 7am.

What is there to ask about this?

Old School Zero

Why were you up before noon, or still awake past four?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“What kind of beer” seems like a perfectly valid thing to ask.

Old School Zero

The closest we get to Spotted Cow in Portland are the New Glarus bottle caps embedded in the walls and tables as decoration at the pastie and beer Packers bar near my apartment.

Old School Zero

I’ll have to keep my eye out for it–if it is in the state, it’s likely at that bar, which has a great selection of bottles to buy there.

Old School Zero

Quiet! You’ll anger the Moose!

I’ve never tried a gluten-free beer, just like I’ve never intentionally tried any gluten-free baked goods. I am pro-gluten, which, like being pro-fluoride, can be odd in this town. I’m full on love/hate with this city now.

Thankfully, there’s way more great beer than there is gluten-free beer.

Old School Zero
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I don’t like them; THEREFORE OVERRATED!!

http://41.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m2f43x7xLh1qgewfwo1_500.png

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

My problem with IPA’s is that they crowd out all other beer choices at the supermarket. There’s like fifty IPA varieties and like six other things.

Horatio Cornblower

That would be a good point except that IPAs are so much better than other beers.

Except a good stout or porter during the winter.

ballsofsteelandfury

Stouts and porters are good any time. You don’t need to wait until winter.

whorootbeerdatbe

I just want a damned pilsner in the summer.

Cuntler

I disagree. Stouts are good year round.

Spanky Datass

Mynd you, møøse bites Kan be pretty nasti…

Cuntler

Yeah, the anti-fluoride thing up there is nonsensical.

Spanky Datass

A Møøse once bit my sister…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

She liked it too.

Cuntler

I spent some time in Wisconsin this summer, and I was surprised how much I liked Spotted Cow. It really is a great, crisp summer ale. They don’t distribute to Colorado, either, as far as I know. And I don’t really go to Packers bars.

Old School Zero

I think it’s actually illegal for some reason to distribute it outside of Wisconsin. Some Minnesota bar owner got into trouble for running a keg out of state and selling it at his bar.

...

Oh yeah. Many FIB’s as packman jon will call us, have a taste for the stuff and buy it up when over the border.

I personally think it’s a fine but not remarkable beer, but it definitely has a reputation due to its (deliberate) limited distribution.

Cuntler

“Mmmmm . . . cream in my mouth.” – Aaron Rodgers

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Spotted Cow” is what Richie Incognito called your sister after she got diagnosed with vitiligo.

makeitsnowondem

This is a good Pacific previous

whorootbeerdatbe

The only thing worse than being a Packers fan after the NFC Championship Game last year? Having a brother-in-law who’s a Seahawks fan.

Bloody Lethal

I have a brother in law who is a Seahawks fan… Trust me it’s the worst no matter who you’re a fan of.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Or being Brandon Bostick

whorootbeerdatbe

Poor guy. One bad decision got him run out of town on a rail.

SonOfSpam

I see that ONCE AGAIN a Packers article failed to address the issue of Aaron Rodgers’ sexuality, and whether he takes cock two at a time or three at a time.

But then, what should I expect from the Librul Media???

jjfozz

GodDAMN it’s good to have you back, PJ.

The beginning of football season holds so much hope, and promise, and then you turn 40 and realize that the rest of life is a huge, stone cold bowl of bitter, rotten broth that you must eat every day.

But once in awhile – like a grisly lump of grey meat – there is a bright spot. And that is when the first football game of the season begins.

jjfozz

After two separate vacations this summer with two crazy Eyetalian families, my gut and my liver are in sad shape.

Cuntler

But once in awhile – like a grisly lump of grey meat – there is a bright spot,

She thought to herself, as she tried to push her way out of the Midgeville bathroom stall that fateful night.

Cuntler

Nicely done! Barring injury, I think they take it this year. And Rogers (hehe) celebrates in the same manner as the gifs currently imbedded on Uproxxxxxxx Sports.

/Have fun this year, you lucky sonuvabitch

Cuntler

TSHU?

Cuntler

No, wait. Charlie Sheen?

comment image

Cuntler
Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

/Puts on Cheesehead, cracks open pack of sausages

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Oh, and beer.

Cuntler

/Spills beer on Scott Walker t-shirt

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

/Burns Scott Walker T-Shirt
//Makes jokes about Scott Walker’s Bald Spot

...

/Scott Walker runs to Kohl’s,
/buys cheapest shirt he can find
/makes terrible comparison between Kohl’s and taxation
/takes $300 million from higher education to fund shitty basketball team

Lothar of the Hill People

I really hope Walker gets the VP spot on the GOP ticket. Then it would two asshole Wisconsin politicians in a row to fade into obscurity (leaving out the fact that being the VP nominee on the losing ticket pretty much kills your political career).