In a lavishly-appointed office, somewhere near (well, not that near) Washington D.C., the [*Redacted] s’ chiefs tackle a problem…
Bruce Allen: “Our latest pronouncement that we won’t change our team name -”
Dan Snyder: “THE [*Redacted] S!”
Bruce Allen: “Uh, right. The [*Redacted] s. Anyway, our announcement that we won’t change our name even to negotiate a new stadium hasn’t been well-received.”
Dan Snyder: “Well, sure, if you listen to the whiny media and social justice warriors and genuinely offended Indians. But I think the issue is that we don’t speak to the community in a way that relates to Joe Sixpack. So I’m bringing in a new Community Outreach Coordinator today to help with the messaging.”
Bruce Allen: “Wait…I didn’t see anything on the calendar.”
Dan Snyder: “Yeah, he JUST became available – lucky for us, right? Oh, here he is now!”
Jared Fogle: “Thanks for seeing me on such short notice, Mr. Snyder. I’ve got some ideas that will really help create excitement within the area youth!”
Dan Snyder: “Great! See, Bruce, THIS is the kind of forward thinking we need here.”
Bruce Allen: “Uh, Dan…I’m not sure about-”
Dan Snyder: “SILENCE! Now, Jared, your recent work with that bread-and-meats shop shows me you really can relate to the common man. Can you give me some examples of how we can make the [*Redacted] s name more palatable to the oversensitive Injun community?”
Jared Fogle: “I noticed your complex doesn’t have a daycare. What’s up with that?”
Bruce Allen: “Oh jeez.”
Dan Snyder: “Yes, hmm, I see what you’re saying. If we show how family is important to us, we could stifle the argument that we’re insensitive. Great! What else ya got for me?”
Jared Fogle: “How about Christmas every week? We could invite all the Indian children, or any children who want to wear loincloths, and I’ll dress up as Santa, and they can sit on my lap, and-”
Bruce Allen: “Dan, I simply MUST insist we stop this discussion at once!”
Dan Snyder: “WHAT? Oh…now I get it Bruce. Where are my manners? You must be starving, Jared! Say, I can have Bruce go get us some grub. You still eating healthy?”
Jared Fogle: “Well, if you have anything fresh and unspoiled…”
Bruce Allen: [vomits]
I like the idea of Dan Snyder popping up and yelling “THE [*Redacted] S!” every time anyone refers to the team.
“And leading off on Sportscenter, another year means another RG3 season-ending injury. We’ll see what the step will be in Washington.”
Dan Snyder: “THE [*Redacted] S!”
This all seems perfectly reasonable to me.
-Jerry Sandusky
True story: Jerry Sandusky did not like 6-inchers. Too much meat.
That is so wonderful. Wow.
Good to see Dan hiring a true blood Indian in Touches Your Son.
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02072003
I met the perfect man to help our team go younger like our fans have been begging for
[looks down at Jared’s nipples]
– Jared’s belt buckle
Very good. Put me in the front seat of this Lollercoaster.
and redditors across the globe pour out some of their jesus juice for their fallen homie
Shoulda been you, Jared the jewelry store.
Woman: Why’s she throwing up in the bathroom?
Pimp: She went to Jared!
+1
Guess who usually does well in federal prison? There are a lot of correct answers but child sex offenders would be the wrong answer.
For his sake, he better be a damned good power bottom.
he does have moobs; very popular they say.
oh my god that picture
If I look into his eyes for more than 2 seconds I’m immediately overcome with the intense need to shower… and that it wasn’t my fault.
“Tell me more!”
– Jerry Sandusky
That was like a gift from the Google Image gods.
Bruce Allen: [leaves room in disgust}
Dan Snyder: Excellent. My lackey will be here shortly with your agreed upon consideration.
[door flies open]
http://terez-uploads.s3.amazonaws.com/2014/07/RG31-613×461.jpg
Son of a bitch. +1
To much grass on the field [multiple meanings].
Very good, VERY GOOD.
Celebrity yes but with those man boobs he HAD to pay for sex
I shoulda read down.
I hear Josh Duggar is available. Jared, Josh, and Injun Joe. That would make a hell of a Thanksgiving float for the parade.
As long as Donald Trump is driving that float, I”m in.
Pulls up MichaelJacksonJokes.Docx
::Find & Replace::
“Michael Jackson” — “Jared”
Close Ashley Madison.
Open Facebook.
Post.
you forgot
Call yourself thefatjewish
Profit
The spirit of KSK lives. This was funny, god help me for laughing.
How does Jared like his partners?
Just like his subs, 6 and 12!
They better serve bourbon in hell
So wrong in so many ways which is why it’s so right. Pass the bourbon Fozz.
Loudest I laughed all week. Satan is going to FUCKING LOVE ALL OF US.
I’m pretty sure there’s a KSK lounge all ready to go. Otto might be there already.
Don’t get why Jared was paying to have sex with underage partners. He’s a celebrity – dude should be slaying that for free.
“I don’t pay them for sex. I pay them to leave.”
-Charlie Sheen
I’ve also seen that quote attributed to the manager of the Golden Corral in the Kentucky town where Jared Lorenzen’s family lives.
I bet that quote dates back to the Bronze Age.
For sure man; he had enough cash to buy and ice cream truck, stock AND a new clown suit.