ANNOUNCER:  When last we left our intrepid adventurer, THE RED ROCKET, he had been placed in peril yet again by the forces of THE FAT HUMPS, and was defeated soundly, ending last season of ADVENTURES OF THE RED ROCKET with a resounding thud.  Luckily, since he was born without a soul, our intrepid hero will be able to rise to the challenge next season on… ADVENTURES OF THE RED ROCKET!

Coming this season on ADVENTURES OF THE RED ROCKET!

• A 10-6 Season!
• A disappointing Wild Card Loss!
• A.J. Green misses 3 games, and is a decoy for 2 or more!
• Pacman Jones murders a stripper with a pile of cash!

  

• Jeremy Hill and Gio Bernard each make the other non-fantasy relevant by playing 16 games and stealing each other’s touchdowns!  You’ll NEVER play the right one!
• THE RED ROCKET will throw for under 180 years at least 3 times, even WITH AJ Green!
• White fans will buy Rex Burkhead jerseys in bulk!

  

• People will complain BITTERLY about Marvin Lewis, even though he makes the playoffs every year, and the Bungles were HOT, STINKY GARBAGE until he showed up.  He replaced Dick LeBeau, and immediately made them seem like an actual football team.
• Russell Bodine WILL fire a snap through Andy Dalton’s tibia
• There will be A BILLLLLLLION articles about how cheap the Bengals ownership is.  Mike Brown is cheap.  WE GET IT.

So stay tuned this season for the EXCITING adventures of Andy Dalton, THE RED ROCKET!  He’ll thrill!  He’ll disappoint!  And it’ll end, once again, in a Wild Card asswhuppin’.  Tune in every Sunday, through January 9th.  Because that’s when they’ll lose in the playoffs, you see.