Mr. Trump Goes To San Diego

TrumpHat

People of San Diego, I have traveled here today to make a HYOOOGE announcement that will affect your San Diego Chargers, as well as the entire NFL, and of course, the world. As you know, in about a year or whenever, I will be President of The United States. Of America. Many great and spectacular things will happen because of this, but I wanted you all to hear about the first. Thing.

I think we can all agree that this football team here should have a classy new stadium, with classy buildings around it, and the best gold accents available. The thing is, many proposals demand public money, and you hardworking San Diego people are tired of paying taxes for things you don’t get to use. Like football stadiums. I get that, which is why I’m worth $12 billion or so. I understand how business and finance works better than anyone. Ever. So I’m here to tell you we will build this stadium with no. Public. Money.

Now you’re saying, Mr. Trump, how can you do this? Is it because you’re worth over $15 million? No, even though I am. I am going to solve another problem while I solve this other problem. Here’s what we’re going to do. Building a stadium is going to require a lot of labor. I know, because I’ve built many luxurious buildings, and they always seem to require labor. Now where, in this area, can we get labor? To build? Right over there, just past that Denny’s, is Mexico. Now I’m sure there are some good people there. But time and facts have shown that most Mexicans are sneaky and want to rape you while they steal your job. Which is like another rape, so there’s two rapes. Gotta tell you, those Mexicans are efficient, which is why they’ll make great stadium-builders. Plus the Trump Executive Office Mahal on the corner of the stadium parking lot. And the Trump Indian Gaming Luxury Center across the street. But we’re here to talk about the stadium.

The Mexican builders will sneak over and start working immediately after I take office. We will have a large funnel and some air pressure creating a vacuum, and this will supply us with up to 10,000 workers per week. These Mexicans can then feel the pride of knowing they’re building a big classy monument to my vision and a place for the Chargers to play. By my estimation, this stadium complex will be ready in about six months, give or take five years. So where will all the Mexicans sleep? That’s the beauty of my plan. We install the grass FIRST. And there you go, thousands of laborers comfortably sleeping on the forty yard line, not raping hardly anyone. Once the stadium is finished, I will give them good jobs at the border keeping other Mexicans out, so they can prove their loyalty. To me. And if they behave, maybe we make them legal sometime. I’ll get a guy to work on that.

But let me get back to this stadium. This is gonna be the biggest, fanciest, classiest building anywhere. You want cheerleaders? I got Miss America losers who need stuff to do. My daughter Ivanka, who I would date if she wasn’t already part of my family, can coach the girls on how to cheer and be classy. You want a big suite to do big business deals in? Hey, I know what that’s like. After all, I didn’t get to be worth $33 billion by ignoring deals. The suites at this stadium will be big enough for Rosie O’Donnell and any of her kids that haven’t run away. I’m talking enormous, with fine gold inlay all over the place. And each concession stand will be full of Trump Water, Trump Vodka, and whatever else people eat. My son will shoot big game for some exotic tastes. You want zebra? We’ll have zebra.

Let’s get to the money, which is all you should care about. This stadium will not cost San Diego a dime. I just need 5000 acres near Sea World, and we’re gonna take over Torrey Pines and make it a Trump West golf course, and the Hotel Del Coronado will now be a Trump property so it will be classy. That’s it. For that bargain price you get a classy stadium, managed by my Vice-President Benny Carson – don’t worry, he’s one of the good ones – and the immigration problem will go away just like that. This is a great deal for America. You’re welcome.

0 0 votes
Article Rating
SonOfSpam
SonOfSpam is a mediocre ship captain and an even worse writer. He is allowed to contribute to this website in exchange for money and drugs. Please don't encourage him or make direct eye contact.
Subscribe
Notify of
29 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
packman_jon

After reading “HYOOOGE ” I started reading it in Al Micheals’ voice

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

This post makes me question who is really behind Mr. Hippo’s comments.

http://38.media.tumblr.com/34202c99c0fabc7d4dd259620241ccf7/tumblr_no93l47bbH1sjz7a3o1_1280.gif

Porky Prime

Alternate title:

“A Chump Named Trump Stumps for the Humps”

http://thumbs.ebaystatic.com/pict/2618901867664040_0.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower

Very well done.

You’re fired.

ballsofsteelandfury

The Efficient Rapists is the name of Trump’s fantasy football team.

Sill Bimmons

He’s in cahoots with Telemundo.

...

He is Poe’s Law made manifest.

Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood

The punctuation forces you to read this in. Trumps. Voice.

Well done, good fellow. The Fonz agrees.

http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-snc4/41589_2231906123_8973_n.jpg

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

“I will eat a fish taco with a fork. Don’t believe me? Here’s how I eat pizza.”

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2015/08/14/23/2B57D61E00000578-0-image-a-42_1439590015207.jpg

Wakezilla

I thought Donald in this post would recruit all the illegal immigrants and make them work for free inexchange for citizenship, while the sexy women get to be the cheerleaders, but, this was so much better. Good job.

The fat used to cook food at the new stadium will be from the fat taken from fatties via liposuction because America is going to be a fatty free country when the Donald wins. Except for Rosie O’Donnel. Boom, health care crisis is over.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

The mortar will be made from 100% recycled welfare mothers.

Wakezilla

Recycled? The Donald doesn’t believe in that hippie global warming mombo jumbo garbage. It’s the real deal or noting for Donald Trump, good sir.

Cuntler

/begin Trump voice

Nice work. Sonofspam. But you’re still a loser.

/end Trump voice

Doktor Zymm

When can we visit this new stadium in San Donaldo?

Spanky Datass
jjfozz

“The suites at this stadium will be big enough for Rosie O’Donnell and any of her kids that haven’t run away.”

You, sir, are a genius on an unparalleled level.

Beerguyrob

I can’t wait for his campaign stop in Buffalo. ALL OF THE DOORS WILL FLY OPEN!

War on I-4 1997

…straight to Toronto.

Old School Zero
Doktor Zymm

Man, I’ve been wasting my life developing a mind control ray when the whole time all I had to do was write stuff on hats? Damn!

Old School Zero

/writes “Doing great things with your money” on a hat and puts it on

Why Thank You Eddie

His hat for hispanic audiences? Make America A Sandwich Again

Why Thank You Eddie

Hat for women audiences? Iron America’s Shirt

Why Thank You Eddie

Hat for meeting with Megyn Kelly? Just red