The Nateural: Just The Beginning

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Nate Boyer: Well, it was a good run. All I ever asked for was a chance and the Seahawks gave me that. It’s a business and, as it goes, I guess it was my time to go. It was a rush that I’ll never forget. But it feels weird to not know what is next. I mean, ever since the Q Course I feel like I’ve gone nonstop from training, to war, to Texas, to Seattle.

::Stares off into overcast Washington afternoon::

It’s nice not having to deal with anymore national sportswriters asking me how many people I killed but I sure do miss the NFL trainers. I’m 34 and still haven’t gotten my ankle fixed from that car bomb shrapnel in Khandhar. Maybe now is the time to finally take care of myself.

::Dials Department of Veteran Affairs::


Kate McCain, Veteran’s Affairs Account Management Professional – Grade 3: Mmmhmmm, VA scheduling how can I assist you today?

Nate: Good morning! I am calling to schedule ankle surgery to repair the tissue damaged in a car bomb that I —

Kate McCain: Mmmmmhmmm sir, may I have your name?

Nate: Nate Boyer. I was recently with the Seattle Seahawks but served as a Green Beret in Afghanistan durin —

Kate McCain: Mmmmmhmmm sir, I can’t schedule you for that appointment. It says here you were on the secret waitlist and, unfortunately, when that was exposed last year we were unable to reach you so your benefits have been terminated.

Nate: This is unfortunate but surely I must have some sort of recourse. Just because the VA arbitrarily decided to let a few dozen veterans die waiting for medical care doesn’t seem to be a good reason to deny my ankle surgery. I have, in fact, been promoting the US military as a football player for the University of Texas and in the NFL  — very much in the same vein as Pat Tillman — and I would like to know if there is a different number I could call to appeal this situation please.

Kate McCain: Sir. SIR! Let me stop you! I helped you as much as I could! I don’t control these things and I am trying to help you! You do not need to take this attitude with me! I am sorry that you are upset but we have many phone calls to answer and if you do not like the response from me, I suggest you contact the VA Retirement Resources hotline.

Nate: My apologies for coming off brash. I do appreciate your help. Would you give me that phone number?

Kate McCain: Sir, that number is not available at this time. I’m afraid there is nothing else I can help you with. You’ve been playing football instead of resting at home waiting for the surgery or to die, whichever comes soonest, and we are not going to be responsible for repairing damage caused by playing years of such a violent sport. You are going to have to contact them if you want your whatever fixed. Goodbye. 

::Nate stares as the dial tone sound coming from the receiver::

Nate: Golly. That sure seems unfair. Guess they don’t want vets abusing the system though. Fortunately, Coach Carroll said the team would always support me. I’ll just dial up the league offices to see who I need to talk to.

::Dials NFL Player Support Department::

Bob Grady, NFL Player Support Account Management Professional – 4 Week Trainee: Ok ummmmm, support here how can I assist you today?

Nate: Good morning. I am a little frustrated here but I hope you can help me out. You see, my name is Nate —

Bob Grady: Ok ummmmm, sir, may I have your name?

Nate: Nate Boyer. I was with the Seattle Seahawks and can’t get any help from the VA in getting my ankle surgery scheduled and thought —

Bob Grady: Ok ummmmm, sir, I can’t schedule you for any appointment. It says here you were in the military and that profession is on our list of activities more dangerous than playing NFL football.

Nate: Maybe you could just give me the number to Coach Carroll please? He seemed to know the details of what I need to do.

Bob Grady: Ok sir, I’m going to stop you right there. I didn’t sign you up to go play war after your acting career went south. That was your decision. But we just aren’t going to be doling out money to every player who claims to suffer a little joint pain or CTE from their time in the league. Especially one who got hurt off the field. That’s on you for not negotiating a guaranteed contract.

Nate: Well, I actually was guaranteed the support of the Seahawks front office and I’m sure that includes —

Bob Grady: I’m glad you’re so sure, sir, because I can’t help you with anything else and I do have other phone calls to get to. Thank you.

::Nate stares as the dial tone sound coming from the receiver::

Nate: Well this is just unacceptable. The weather is nice enough that I should be able to walk to Century Link and meet with Coach Pete in person. He’ll help me out. Hey, maybe I can even visit ol’ Delmore Barry on the way! It’s getting dark but I can make it by morning.

::Nate begins his walk::



Sherriff Will Teasle: So where you heading?

Nate: Seattle. But I’m looking for a place to eat right now.

Sherriff Teasle: There’s a diner about thirty miles up the road there.

Nate: Is there a law against me getting something to eat here?

Sherriff Teasle: Yeah! ME!

To be continued…

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I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
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This was fucking good.


Mazel tov boychiks!

It seems our boy Julian wasn’t concentrating entirely on football this off-season.

On a scale of mostly to incredibly, how bigoted are Pats fans towards Jews anyway?


What did Tom Brady have to do with the curse on the Red Sox?


Damn, that should have been a reply to Blaxabbath below.


Cris Carter should be made to carry this guy around on his shoulders until his ankle is fixed.


And by that you mean Cris Carter should make one of his friends carry him around?

Enrico Pallazzo

The Sex Cannon is still waiting on help for the VD.


He’s about to sign with Atlanta, where (I’m told) there are a lot of strip clubs.


I hope Nate eventually gets to play that game where he rides a horse and drags a goat around. I think they call it “baseball.”

Don T

No. Please no.