The Kansas City Chiefs Preview – What Memes May Come

The Andy Reid-era Chiefs began 9-0, and since then they have gone 11-13, including playoffs. That there is a Peter King-level contrived statistical nugget. What’s worse, they haven’t won a regular season game in nearly 8 months. What have they been doing all this time? For comparison purposes, the next-door neighbor Kansas City Royals have won, like, 80 games in those 8 months. EIGHTY! I don’t know how many games the Sporting KC have won, but I bet it’s on Wikipedia.

Is this the year the Chiefs break through? (h/t LSUfreek, via Deadspin)

The Chiefs actually had an encouraging season going in 2014, with a 7-3 record and wins over eventual Super Bowl participants New England and Seattle. The victory over the Patriots was the curb-stomping that occurred on a Monday night and caused ESPN and the rest of the world to lose their shit over whether the Belichick/Brady dynasty was done. It also begat the Belichick meme of “We’re moving on to Cincinnati.” The Pats, as you know, ended up making it to the Super Bowl, where they lost a close game late when Marshawn Lynch ran in a touchdown from 1 yard out with 16 seconds left to play in the game. Wait, what?

Anyway, the Chiefs lost 3 straight to Oakland, Denver, and Arizona, in late November/early December, which basically put them out of the playoff chase. As is standard practice for the Chiefs, the defense was very good, ranking 7th in the league in fewest yards allowed, and 2nd in fewest points allowed. This information is all available on the internet. The linebacking duo of Tamba Hali and Juston Houston were the standouts, even though I would become confused and disoriented every time an announcer for a Kansas City game would mention “Houston” and they weren’t even playing the Texans, a team about which I do not care. Also, I am easily confused and disoriented.

The feel-good story of the preseason so far has been the return to the field of safety Eric Berry. Berry missed the final 5 games of 2014, after a serious medical scare. The doctors were optimistic though, and Berry garnered much support from the entire NFL family for his courageous fight against equinophobia.

Eric Berry’s least favorite musical artist. (h/t the band’s official website)

Linebacker Derrick Johnson and defensive end Mike DeVito are also returning from injury, each having torn their achilles in last year’s season opener. Presumably each tore his own achilles, but it’s possible they tore each other’s. I don’t know what kind of locker room rituals go on behind closed doors.

The Chiefs drafted cornerback Marcus Peters with their first round pick (18th overall), but he doesn’t project to start this year.

On offense, the Chiefs continue with, Hey, look at this, another former 49ers quarterback. Tiny hands Alex is back for another season of handing off to Jamaal Charles, assuming he (Charles) has all of his tendons and ligaments in tact. It’s a 50/50 proposition every year. When he’s healthy, Charles is one of the most exciting players in the game.

BREAKING: Jamaal Charles just stepped in dog shit in his back yard, shredding his ACL.

The wide receiver corps for the Chiefs scored exactly zero touchdowns last year. It’s a bold strategy employed by Andy Reid, but one that paid off with an offensive ranking of 16th in scoring and 25th in yards. The team’s top wide receiver from 2014, Dwayne Bowe, has moved on to Cleveland. I’m not going to get in the weeds too much here with data analysis, but Bowe’s 60 receptions for 754 yards weren’t even the highs on the team. That honor went to tight end Travis Kelce, who had a breakout year in 2014, and whose name I mention solely for the purpose of including this gif:

(h/t SB Nation)

With Bowe gone, KC’s top 2 wide receivers are Albert Wilson and Jason Avant. Yep.

BREAKING: Jamaal Charles just traveled back in time to 1963 and was hit with stray bullet fragments while standing near the triple underpass in Dealey Plaza, shredding his ACL. There may have been other people injured in the incident as well.

The Chiefs’ offensive line took a hit in their first preseason game when right tackle Jeff Allen sprained his MCL. This is a problem area for the Chiefs, who gave up 49 sacks last year, even with a fairly mobile quarterback who is geared to dumping the ball off. The team spent their 2nd round pick on offensive lineman Mitch Morse from Missouri. Many media members mentioned that Morse’s mobility might make the man more meaningful in multiple match-ups.

Another key offseason loss for the Chiefs has been stalwart Otto Man. A perennial KOTW award winner, Man has been pretty much MIA since the end of last season, and I don’t mean Miami. Unless, maybe he IS in Miami. That would explain, well, nothing really.

BREAKING: Jamaal Charles has just been shot by Gavrilo Princip, shredding his (Charles’s) ACL. Aggravated fantasy football players across the world appear almost ready to start a war over this incident.

I see 10-6 on the upside for the Chiefs this year. It looks like the AFC West is flattening a little bit, with Denver clinging to the hope of one more productive year from Peyton, San Diego usually floating around the playoff bubble, and Oakland… still being Oakland I guess. So 10-6 might actually win the division. At least it should mean a wild card game, which the Chiefs can lose in some new soul-crushing way, for those fans that have souls. BTW, if Charles gets hurt early in the season, you’re looking at 7-9.

BREAKING: Jamaal Charles just ordered the Code Red, shredding his ACL. Chiefs fans can’t seem to handle the truth.

I live in a rural area in southwest Missouri. It is heavy Chiefs country, and they are on my CBS affiliate every Sunday. Despite having lived here for 15 years, I have managed to learn very little about the Chiefs, an accomplishment that I feel is well-reflected in this team preview. For this reason I encourage those of you who ARE Chiefs fans to comment and add more insightful analysis. JOIN THE CONVERSATION!

One final note, I made it through this entire write-up without making an Andy-Reid-is-fat joke. I will celebrate with the adding of barbecue sauce to ribs.

(h/t Fiorella’s Jack Stack Barbecue)

BREAKING: Jamaal Charles just inadvertently stood between Andy Reid and the above pictures on Reid’s computer monitor. You can guess what happened.

0 0 votes
Article Rating
montythisseemsstrangetome
Monty this seems strange to me The movies had that movie thing But nonsense has a welcome ring And heroes don’t come easy
Subscribe
Notify of
73 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Don T

Montalvo! What a season for KC.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Alex is HUGE in Viet Nam.

Porky Prime
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Glad about Eric Berry returning.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSAJ0l4OBHM

laserguru

Now this! This right here is a rock solid post!
Nice job Monty.
Nice fucking job.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

GREAT! Now that’s going right to his fucking head. If he moves to LA it’s all your fucking fault……

NOT a San Andreas Fault joke.

WhyEaglesWhy

Even though Jeremy Maclin was not mentioned, you will enjoy him immensely. He is a delight.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Little Timmy stopped behaving so badly.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

The Pats, as you know, ended up making it to the Super Bowl, where they lost a close game late when Marshawn Lynch ran in a touchdown from 1 yard out with 16 seconds left to play in the game.

I like this alternate universe.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

This is fucking great.

Speaking of fucking; totally agreed they are fucked HARD if Jamaal Charles is lost for any length of time.

I MEAN HARD.

http://38.media.tumblr.com/c8db4e19feb06083ba8a415ffa4b4491/tumblr_mppd8crIYf1qedb29o1_500.gif

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Of course a few other injuries/suspension with the division and instead it is a cheap-ass fence.

http://33.media.tumblr.com/8363de3a7df8397272c7edfb09d3a671/tumblr_ntvoj0VKJT1sqf5tdo2_400.gif

Horatio Cornblower

Speaking of the Patriots losing in the Super Bowl…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t2kXmFOJ_2k

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

It is again 60 with 100% humidity in this awful place to live. Also my neighbors can’t speak at a volume lower than 10 and every window is open so I hate them. I know I am terrible but not as bad as them.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I made it through like a 1/3 of a cig. It is a swamp outside and no one should be in it.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am really irrationally angry with them right now. They yell everything. Always. I just don’t understand it. My family is loud but not everyone yells everything

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I still hate my neighbors. Fuck those guys

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

This wasn’t me being flippant. They are the god damned worst.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Makes me appreciate my neighbors.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am working on figuring out my team name. I got the terrible pic I will use as my avatar but haven’t locked down a name yet. Anyone have any ideas?

http://images.sportsworldreport.com/data/images/full/30636/jay-cutler-6-of-the-chicago-bears.jpg?w=640

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I just got DOOOOOON’T CAAAAAAAARE on our leagues message board. Simple but I like it

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

It looks even worse than that when in avatar format. I am happy with my image choice.

Horatio Cornblower

Team name: Vaccinate What Now?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I went that route of my other team. VaccinesCauseCutler. I need something different

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The Bearistocrats!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

All of the ones I’ll post, including the above are from Kommenters.

Jared Fogle’s Pee Wee League
Caitlyn Jenner’s lopped off member
Aaron Rodger’s Beard Cream

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Underground Pad Level
Hochuli’s Jungle Boys
Mad Max: Furry Chode
The Domestic Violence Space
Imagine Dragon Deez Nutz
Hollywood Florida Hulk Hogan
110 Percent Lunchpail Society

Werekoala

I went with Tom Brady’s Deflated Balls.

Sill Bimmons

So Adam Sandler remains the genius we all wish we were.

Just when his “SNL Forever” schtick finally starts to wear thin even among the mouthbreathing troglodytes who laugh at his piss and fart jokes, he goes and starts the gold mine known as the Hotel Transylvania animated franchise.

Seriously, fuck that guy.

WCS

Andy Reid fat jokes will never not be hilarious.

Changlorious Basterd

Andy Reid spots an all-you-can-eat buffet

http://i.minus.com/ibzeuKDpHorxB8.gif

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I really love this gif. It is gonna get spammed until people are sick of it, then like 50 more times.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I meant the Andy Reid one, not the Stay Puft.

Changlorious Basterd

The Chiefs under Alex Smith and Andy Reid are innovators. I bet nobody ever tried this before…

http://cdn0.sbnation.com/assets/3425297/faketonobody_medium.gif

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Well no one else lets them play blackout drunk. Other than Rex

http://s3.amazonaws.com/br-cdn/temp_images/2013/11/22/Butfummble.gif

Changlorious Basterd

That moment is the gift that will never stop giving!

The Maestro

Wait, didn’t Jeremy Maclin sign with the Chiefs this offseason? Wasn’t it something to do with him wanting to get his hands on Andy Reid’s secret rib sauce recipe or something?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

You did include the Kelce gif, which I think is more important

Wakezilla

My favorite Chiefs moment last year was early in the season, Alex Smith threw the ball beyond 10 yards twice in a row and the announcers lost their shit, proclaiming Alex Smith was reformed and he’d take more chances.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

God, could you imagine Alex Smith in Las Vegas? He’s spend six hours wandering around until he found a $2 craps table and spend the next forty-five minutes betting exclusively on the pass line.

Doktor Zymm

Don’t Pass has slightly better odds, but betting Don’t Pass is a sure sign of a poor team leader.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You think Andy Reid is ever going to let one of his quarterbacks select the “Don’t Pass” option?

Changlorious Basterd

The only time Andy Reid uses the ‘Don’t pass’ option is when he’s driving past a fast food restaurant.

ballsofsteelandfury

Rex Grossman always bets the come.

Porky Prime

Alex Smith in Vegas? Pai Gow. No question.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“You’re kidding me? A BAND OF HOR…oh. Never mind.”

– Warren Sapp

Spur

We couldn’t find OttoMan to write this up? Also, Mormon Methheads are the worst.

Cuntler

Well done! Hopefully you did not get any rib sauce on your jorts while writing this.

/Also, I am upset that you made me realize that band of hipsters is Band of Horses. I hate it when I am forced to think.

ballsofsteelandfury

I am proud that I have no idea who that band is.

Don T

I’d really like the Chiefs if they at least give the impression of being able to entertain the idea of heaving a pass, say, eight yards downfield. Especially during two-minute offense time. Hell, I even like their uniforms. And Andy Reid is pretty much unhateable. Not being from Philly or Jersey, I am confident in this assessment.
BTW, happy birthday Monty!

Horatio Cornblower

“And Andy Reid is pretty much unhateable.”

Clearly you never spent Father’s Day at the Reid household.

Just like Andy.

WhyEaglesWhy

I also believe Andy Reid to be unhateable. This opinion is not shared by many of my compatriots.

Doktor Zymm

I enjoyed the adventures of Mr. Peabody and Jamaal Charles’s ACL in the WAYBAK maching.

Sill Bimmons

WHOA, Andrew Luck is playing Hodor in the newest DirecTV ad.

Confirmation that he read the old site and is currently lurking here.

http://pbs.twimg.com/media/BwjISLvIAAAlpJL.jpg:large

Enrico Pallazzo

The worst thing to happen to the Chiefs was losing Otto Man from the internet. RIP.

Old School Zero

BRING BACK OTTO

The Maestro

Has someone sent his U****X profile a PM or something to try and reach out?

Horatio Cornblower

I have. He never responded.

I cried.

I have a sneaking suspicion it was Rowles who killed him.

Lothar of the Hill People

Johnny Sugar

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Is it wrong I totally picture Johnny Sugar as looking like Johnny Doe from Boogie Nights?

http://img4.bdbphotos.com/images/120×156/y/o/yo0mhhvzbh5lzhbm.jpg

Why Thank You Eddie

Why Thank You Rikki

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I always pictured him as more punchable

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4qmjbuuRo1qzxh2t.gif

Apologies to Jack Gleeson, he actually seems nice.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I will half apologize but you were the worst. I stand by me calling you Joffrey. But since you are here now. Hey what’s up? How is your day going sir?

entropy

Was Rowles working for the Irish? Did he get any blowback from it?

blaxabbath

“This information is all available on the internet.”

::Looks in mirror::

Is [DFO] just another #content mine?

Why Thank You Eddie

Content Mine? I was told this would be the prequel to Enemy Mine. Dennis Quaid and Louis Gossett will be devastated.