2015 Carolina Panthers – Watch Cam Run For His Life (Redux)

Move-Over

I grew up in Charlotte, and though it’s too antiseptic a locale to really be sentimental about, I certainly did find it pretty cool when my hometown landed an NFL franchise.  Even if it cheesily had to be named “Carolina” to appease team owner/Missouri Compromise enthusiast Jerry Richardson – make no mistake, this is Charlotte’s team.  It’s been fully embraced by the city, and the uptown (don’t say downtown, bitch, they cut you) stadium is a delightful place to watch a football game amidst a smattering of mostly polite banker assholes and other generic northern/midwestern transplants that give Charlotte its transient, opaque identity.  FUN FACT – the stadium is like 3 blocks away from the little shop where I got my tennis racquet restrung when I was a kid.  I like to think that Don (last name unknown) made out like a fucking bandit when the stadium site was selected.

But no, I certainly did not abandon my beloved Donks when the Panthers came into being.  I watch the Panthers with mild curiosity, and I feel good for the city when they do well…but there’s no love there.  When they play Denver, there’s not even the slightest pull of divided loyalty.  But they are on my teevee box every week, and in my newspaper (yes, I’m old and still read the paper) every morning, so since nobody else volunteered I know just enough to write this half-assed preview.

It’s really an easy team to describe – really good linebackers and Cam Newton.  That’s it.

For all the shit Cam gets from he-who-shall-not-be-named and other miscellaneous dispshits, he’s pretty well loved in Charlotte.  Very few people mind that he has a personality, that he likes to drink craft beers and eat at food trucks UPtown.  Von Miller hipster school alert!  I mean, for fuck’s sake, he’s not Kerry Collins or Jake Delhomme.  You have to realize just how fresh those memories are for Charlotteans, and know that only a complete moron would want to play the QB lottery AGAIN.  I have been to 5 Panthers games (all losses), and the most fun was a Monday night loss to San Francisco, because I got to be part of the mass full-throated booing of Kerry Collins.  We ultimately got our wish, and Steve Beuerlein (who then almost saved my fantasy team) damned near pulled off a miracle comeback.

That’s the gold standard for Panthers QB play, pre-Cam.  Steve Fucking Beuerlein.

Lest we forget, Jake Delhomme DID have one Forrest Gump season of wonder, which he followed by a home playoff bedshitting of epic proportions, in primetime no less.  Naturally, Marty Hurney (because he’s a fucking moron) decided this would be the ideal time to extend his contract with lots of guaranteed money.  This, combined with several other inexplicable decisions and draft day moves, drained the roster of young, cost-controlled talent and put the franchise in salary cap jail.

Which is how you end up with really good LBs, a franchise QB, and 45 or so veteran minimum/practice squad types.  The OL is so bad that local media got EXCITED when the team signed Michael Oher to play LT.  HAVE THEY SEEN MICHAEL OHER TRY TO PLAY LT???  And it was considered a real loss when Jonathan Martin retired during training camp.  Good thing Cam is fast.  And large enough to sustain some (more) physical abuse.

The WR corps may be even shittier.  Kelvin Benjamin showed up to camp Rapey Jameis-fat, then tore his ACL.  Ignoring the holes in the OL, the Panthers traded up to take a 2nd round WR that I hate, Devin Funchess from Meeeeechigan.  B1G WRs almost always suck ass.  Funchess barely played in the pre-season (hamstring), so I’m sure he will be loads of help.  Jerricho Cotchery (Old Testament, NC State, WOO!!!!) is still somehow around.  The man is apparently the perfect 4th wideout.  Fun fact – he was both a high school and college teammate of King Laserface.  He’s really old, and was never fast.  Philly Brown is shit.  That leaves Ted Ginn, who can only run fly routes, but which Cam does love to throw.  So you will see games where Cam has 20 passing yards at halftime, then throws 2 bombs to Ginn out of nowhere to fuck your fantasy team over when you thought the win was in the bag.

Whilst this may seem pessimistic, this hodge-podge is still quite likely enough for 9 or 10 wins and 1st place in the dumpster fire that is the NFC South.  Just don’t expect much in terms of playoff advancement.  Power to the People!

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

WTF I will be cock blocked for broken links now?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Not liking the new sites rules but

h ttp://41.media.tumblr.com/17dda7c9bdfe5eeadfc57d864d8ef6f2/tumblr_ntf7z1y2Ct1qk16obo1_1280.jpg

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Happy whatever random holiday that made me change days on trash pickup!

http://40.media.tumblr.com/9c1695804fd46fad10606bf7f67be2cb/tumblr_ntf7swgYhA1qk16obo1_500.jpg

blordinaryfagicmox

Early Matron Saint? Err, I mean, random espn anchor?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ME9CJRrhr3E

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

How dare you… Isn’t this ban worthy?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Oh you guys are talking college football. I can do that… remember that time Northwestern beat Stanford, that was cool. I totally didn’t just half ass watch it because my dad had it on and he is an alumus

blordinaryfagicmox
Porky Prime

I think it’s a motor oil.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

So my brother used to throw massive parties, with people smoking weed, people puking and the decibel level at like 90. My neighbors used to never care. I go out for a cig now, just opening a sliding door and 2 lights come on and they check out what I am doing. My brother has been gone for 2 years. The only noise is when I say “Dog, inside” (I renamed my dog “Dog” because the name my almost step siblings gave him was terrible)

Horatio Cornblower

You’re down 42-17 with less than 5 minutes to go. Put the challenge flag away.

OR

You’re up 42-17 with less than 5 minutes to go. Quit trying to rush the next play to avoid the replay.

Jesus God Fuck football coaches are the worst people on the face of the Earth, and I’m an attorney!

Wakezilla

Nobody will ever, ever, EVER compare to those who work in HR. Soulless creatures, they all are.

Sill Bimmons

Look at that shitpile of a schedule.

One ranked team.

What a joke.

blordinaryfagicmox

Who could’ve known Hawaii wouldnt be a powerhouse this year? Also, pre-season rankings are more bullshit than creationism.

Sill Bimmons

Back-to-back Drew Brees ads!

WE HAVE ACHIEVED PEAK BREESUS

blordinaryfagicmox

Just in time, now that the Saints are mediocre and Brees wont be re-setting any passing records anymore.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

He is hawking the dumbest shit right now.

Bloody Lethal

They’re going to have to break me in half… or at least break my collar bone!

Bloody Lethal
WCS

Beamer looked so sad in the last sideline shot. Let’s remember a happier time:

comment image?w=1000

Sill Bimmons

That. Is. Fucking. Hilarious.

makeitsnowondem

I never get tired of this.

blordinaryfagicmox

Final score 6-3 in double overtime

blordinaryfagicmox

6-3 in favor of Wake. By the transitive property: Wake Forest, National Champs.

WCS

ACC Football: FEEL THE HERP!

theeWeeBabySeamus

I really wish I could argue the point but…
*sigh*

Sill Bimmons

And that’s that.

Sill Bimmons
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

You know that advertisement is photoshopped beyond belief or just leftover pink ooze somehow still around from Ghostbusters 2, right? Probably both.

blordinaryfagicmox

Chick-fil-a was the one that hated gays a few years ago right? Or were they in favor of gay stuff? Who can remember…

Sill Bimmons

They were against gay stuff.

They lost.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

How dare you! The respected the well known Christian value of shaming anyone that doesn’t agree with them. That’s why they denounced Jesus 10 years ago, he hung out with whores, thieves and the worst of society

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

they*

edit button please?

Horatio Cornblower

Jesus was about telling, not spelling, so don’t sweat it.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

The new comment system ate my comment that insulted Hippo. Not a fan

blordinaryfagicmox

Spin move is the circle button, Kirk. And this guy calls himself a professional?

blaxabbath

Read an in-flight magazine once that had some really great things to say about Charlotte.

WCS

Peter King too! He wrote 198 things about it in his Ten Things He Thinks He Thinks section!

Porky Prime

“Some Pig” magazine?

Spur

That’s a broken collar bone

WCS

NAILED IT

Sill Bimmons

Confirmed!

WCS

Well, that’s more like what we anticipated…

Spur

Scott van pelt got some sun

Spur

Sooo. Anyone really think VT can pull it out?

theeWeeBabySeamus

tOSU looked like they’d passed the weed around before qtr #2. Seriously fugly.

blordinaryfagicmox

OSU just has to fall back on their superior firepower and intelligence, and that’s all she wrote.

blordinaryfagicmox

License to kill fake-turkeys by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill fake-turkeys at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit – ever. They’re like the Viet Cong – VTech Cong. So you have to fall back on superior firepower and superior intelligence. And that’s all she wrote.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Was gonna make the obligatory VTech poontang reference…but too close to home, lmao.

Sill Bimmons

That didn’t do anything for their chances.

ballsofsteelandfury

Think or hope?

I’m just bracing for the fuckup that gives OSU the win.

Spur

Virginia Tech is so dangerous on the weekdays.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Wow, I need to get some alkyhol in me.
I would have bet that was on Thursday. Hence my earlier (now decidedly stupid) month from Thursday comment.

I’m losing it, man. 😀

WCS

TWO white guy touchdowns?! When did Chip Kelly become VT’s o-coordinator?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Wow, I guess I owe these slow, shitty white boys an apology. They’re not half bad considering how slow, shitty and white they are.

Spur

UTILIZE THE WHITE FULLBACK!!!

Spur

That Peter Pan movie looks absolutely awful. But probably still not as bad as the live one with Walken.

Spur
blordinaryfagicmox

Is the joke that an inter-conference game is being ref’d by a crew from one of those conferences?
/hopes VT is still in the ACC

theeWeeBabySeamus

We could sooooo crush the SEC West. Or East.

LMAO

blordinaryfagicmox

Well Texas AM and Missouri went from middle of the pack Big 12 to almost champs of the SEC…

Spur

How was Game Day without Fowler?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Davis gave Corso and Herbstreit handy-J’s under the table while Dez went to Starbucks and got latte’s for everybody.

Not really…but wouldn’t that have been cool if true?

WCS

The pedo Dr. Pepper vendor will be taking the open offensive line coach job with the Browns tomorrow.

Sill Bimmons

Brad Paisley: Colossal Douche

WCS

This is true:

Brad Paisley went to the same high school as my wife, grew up an hour from Pittsburgh, and only got into country music after the decline of grunge in the late 1990s. Not only is he a terrible artist, but, he’s a fraud. Although, he is, by all accounts, a decent person. Still, double fuck BRO COUNTRY with a rusty crowbar.

blordinaryfagicmox

So he’s not from Kentucky?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9p534Q5hhw

WCS

DAMN YOU TO HADES FOR MAKING ME CLICK ON A BRAD PAISLEY SONG, AND MAKING YOUTUBE SUGGEST I WANT TO WATCH MORE OF HIS AUDIO DIARRHEA

blordinaryfagicmox

He didnt write the song, just borrowed it from Patty Loveless, so you got that going for you.

Bloody Lethal

If I told you guys I bet on VA Tech tonight on the moneyline would you think I had a problem?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Wow. I’m reminded of a saying having to do with the sun and canine asses. Urban might be the one to go all Orenthal-ly at halftime.

Sill Bimmons

Those fucking helmets, man.

Like something out of a George Lucas fever dream.

WCS

AC Moore is too upscale for Blacksburg. They had to drive to Roanoke.

WCS

Fat, white guy touchdown for Castrated Turkeys, and every WIP listener just jizzed themselves.

“DA EEGILS BETTA DRAF DAT GUY NEX YEAR, ANGE! DAT GUY GITS IT!”

Sill Bimmons

So much for Virginia Tech giving Ohio State a game:

http://www.vixenvarsity.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/welp.jpg

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hokes would be better off if OJ went to work on their tiny linemen and freed up the schollys to start over.

Bloody Lethal

This could turn around!

Bloody Lethal

O nvm.

Sill Bimmons

Huh. How about that.

theeWeeBabySeamus

VT: We’re back baby!!! No…seriously.
tOSU: How did we let these tiny slow white kids score on us?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hope they stay that way until a month from Thursday 😉

Brocky

Hey, no receivers? what about 19 time all pro Greg olsen?

Seriously, it’s been five years bears fans, our mediocre white tight end is gone. Embrace the black unicorn.

It’s not sarcasm when I say I only know this team by its former players

SonOfSpam

Weird – just went to the Panthers’ home page, and under “Contract” each player’s status is “Indentured.”

ballsofsteelandfury

I like this comment so much I want to say This is Great again.

makeitsnowondem

I really like Cam. He’s had some tough stretches the last few years, but you’ve got to watch out for him once he gets rolling.

http://cbssports.com/images/blogs/Cam_Newton_Accident_Charlotte_Truck_Pictures.png

Bloody Lethal

I hate the Panthers with a passion and wish them nothing but ill will.

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m curious as to why the hate. It’s not like the franchise has had any success that the fans can use to behave like assholes.

laserguru

Quite possibly a fan of another NFC South team. My brother is a Saints fan and has nothing but hate for them. Then again he says they barely matter as a franchise along with Tampa.

And he says their barbecue blows.

ballsofsteelandfury

I can definitely understand the hate from a barbecue perspective. Everything else is just gibberish to me.

Bloody Lethal

It’s a weird mix of timing and misplaced blame in most cases…

Matt Moore ruined the last game at our stadium. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpU16YXr5Eg

And I was in the house for this one. Steve Smith did a snowman in our endzone…

There was no snow.

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/01/09/sports/football/09giants.html

Sill Bimmons

That’s like hating vanilla ice cream.

Moonbatting Average

MEN. I have the first pick in a 12-team no PPR league, and I need your help. Should I take AP, or switch to Fat Eddy? JChaz and Dez are also posibilities, but I feel like Beast Mode is due for an injury.

nomonkeyfun

Draft a Chiefs WR. You’ll be certain to win your league.

Moonbatting Average

Don’t try to trick me. I know the Chefs don’t have any WRs

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

AP lost his best blocker in Loadholt. Go with Spare Tire Dixon (Lacy).

laserguru

Loadholt has been tragically overrated for the last few years. He has the most offensive line penalties on the planet the last few years. He was constantly getting false starts and holding calls and he gets beaten like a drum with a speed rush, which is why he is an RT and not an LT.
Cummings is going to be a major upgrade.

And his nickname is AD for All Day. Just to clarify.

SonOfSpam

Actually it stands for Ass Denter, but po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

ballsofsteelandfury

Eddie Lacy is #2 on my list. AP is #3. #1? LeVeon Bell.

Moonbatting Average

LeVeon makes sense if you have the fourth/fifth pick or so. But with the first, I feel like I need day-one points, considering how far down my second pick is

SonOfSpam

I got the #1 pick over the weekend and took Lacy (barely over LeVeon). I also drank so much that I took Tyrod Taylor in the 14th round. To my credit, I did not remember this pick. At all.

Mother Puncher

I can’t wait for another season of hearing how friendly Luke Kuechly is and how classy of a player he is.