I don’t know about you but it looks like an absolutely beautiful fall day out there. A great day to work in the yard, as a matter of fact. But I won’t be doing that AT ALL. Because of the football, you see. Glorious, glorious games with frothing at the mouth giants trying to disembowel some other guy because he prefers to wear a uniform with a different colour on it. Existential, huh? No? Well, umm, here are the games…
Det vs SD: Melvin Gordon makes his debut against last year’s best rushing defense. Sure there are Suh pieces missing but Melvin [giggles quietly to himself] has some work to do. Welcome to the NFL buddy. These teams rarely play each other so that’s important. The Bolts have 8-8 written all over them.
Ten at TB: I can only assume that this will be the featured game because the NFL is a stupidhead. Titans! Bucs! Oh My! Mariota begins the massive uphill struggle that is getting acclimated to the whys, wherefores and whatchamacallits of the pro game. Evans plans to play but if he’s a no-go don’t blame me for starting him in fantasy. (hamstrings are a such dicey thing with wideouts) Winston gets the start and I miss Giraffe already.
Cin at Oak: This one is for all the chili that you can pour over Ramen noodles. Hey, we’re on a budget! The dangerous (to himself) Dalton has quality help in Green and Hill and he’ll need it because it looks like Khalil Mack is the second coming of [insert name of your favourite defensive player here]. Cincy has never won in Oakland-they’re 0-9.
Bal at Den: This here is the feature game for the 4:25(?) slot. E.S.T. RULES! Apparently the Broncs are dialing it back on O because Peyton can’t feel his fingers or somesuch. I don’t get what the big deal is, I hardly have any feelings at all and I’m fine. Although CJ is a fine back the Ravens are always quite stuffy on D so we’ll see where that goes. Smith, Sr., just get this year over with so that you can get into the booth and be the most interesting talking head since David Byrne.
NO vs Ari: Carson is back! Fans are hoping that last year’s surprising-est team (9 games in) that flew under most folks radar is back and that the window to glory is still open. On paper that seems to be the case. On the other side, Brees has to adjust to the loss of Graham, an aging Colston and the addition of Spiller. Regarding Spiller, and I never get tired of saying this, “He can’t run between the tackles!”. I think Brees will manage just fine with these new variables. If his arm was chewing gum I’d say that there’s still some flavour left. Not sure about that D though…
Is it me, or does anyone else often mistake the patch on the Detroit uniforms for a 9/11 memorial?
It’s from WWIII, the day the whole world nuked Detroit.
Not really, but Detroit looks like it.
Someone smarter and more statisticsy than me should do s comparison of Darrell Bevell to Norv Turner.
2015 Pete Carroll: regressing back to the mean
When the apocalypse comes, Chris Simms looks like the kind of guy that will volunteer himself to be some warlord’s fuck-slave.
Oh look…Melvin Gordon apparently learned how to play football between the last pre-season game and today.
He just broke off a sick run for a (possible) TD.
Not sure how it ended, but, 34-31 Street Louis is the final.
Beast-Mode fail on fourth down run. NO SKITTLES!
To be fair, the play sucked.
Ah fuck you Pete.
what happened in the Seattle game?
Darrell Bevell happened
Seattle stopped 4 & 1 around the Rams 40.
Something something jet fuel with controlled implosion.
Fuck you, Pete Carroll.
How do you say “your lease is up” in Germany?
Import a bunch of Muslims.
Was that a draw?
The shotgun draw – guaranteed 2 yard loss.
Not true. Sometimes if you really need 20 yards, you can gain 10 on a draw. The point is, you’ll never, ever gain enough. Ever.
Very tricky Oakland. Trying to fool the Bengals into thinking they’re playing baseball.
So I’ve had a decent day. It’s gorgeous outside, got a lot of work done around the house, kids haven’t beaten me up too badly, and even the wife has been only about 10% as passive-aggressive as normal.
I mean, nothing to write a 5,000 PK opus about, but a day that doesn’t feel like a colossal waste of time.
Then, for no reason, I’m having awful heartburn and just when I break down and take a zantac, I’m sitting in my kid’s bean bag chair with a drink in one hand and have a freakishly snotty sneeze that comes out of nowhere and ends up in my hand. And I can’t get out of the bean bag chair because it’s like 2 inches off the floor and I have both hands full.
So, pretty much a day just like the Bears had.
Then James Jones shows up, tips over the bean bag, and pours your drink on your head.
Yeah, he’s nothing special. Just the best QB in the league makes him look like an all-pro.
I agree, but as a Bears fan who owns Cobb in one league and Adams in another, fuck him.
Sauvage cologne: When you want to smell like Johnny Depp after digging a hole in the desert.
Yeah, I saw that commercial and thought, “who wants to smell like a hippy smoking patchouli?”
Chris Simms’ announces like he’s reading a script for the first time. He sounds like he’s in a middle school play called “The Football Game”.
My happiness in seeing the Donks in full without leaving the house (I fucking HATE the outside world) is always tempered by the 97% likelihood of Pheeeel and Jeeeeeem.
There’s more spleen in the this comment than Chris Simms has in his body.
Like father, like son.
Joe Flacco is doing different things this season. For example, his wife is no longer cutting his hair with a flowbee.
Pete Carroll chewing his gum so hard right now if you hooked some copper wires up to his teeth you could take down ever single wind turbine in Washington.
I’m still not drinking Miller Lite at gun point but that Aikman “I dwell in the past” ad is pretty good.
Hey look, the one Saints fan shown on TV is a Kim Davis avatar with a Geaux Saints sign.
Oh joy, Phil Simms’ inbred fuckboy son is announcing the Bengals game.
Yeah, but his spleen is announcing for the CFL.
Had Seattle recovered the kick, could they win with a FG since they kicked off? Or is it still the first possession due to trickeration (ie, no turnover) and a TD is needed?
That counts as a Rams possession. So they could have won with a FG. Rams can’t end it with a FG.
That’s actually pretty clever then. If you feel your redzone defense is strong/ their redzone offense is less than stellar, it’s a bit of a risk but a higher upside than simply deferring and kicking it deep.
Yes. It counts as the Rams having a chance to possess, and any score wins.
Every other official on the crew was yelling at Triplette to change that call. But yes…”kudos to Jeff Triplette…and his crew”.
Since I can actually watch the Ravens play, its a given they will be beaten worse than Ray Rice’s wife.
I certainly hope so, but think NAWT.
First time kommenting on DFO, enjoying the auto-refresh.
Glad to hear it! We went through a few iterations, and I want to change the look of the comment box, but I’m glad it’s working for you.
Fleshwound!
Welcome back to the asylum
THROW IT TO AUSTIN
Severe T-Storms headed my way folks. Might hear some loud noises!
God I hate our local weather people.
That was a hell of a catch by Bailey/throw by Foles
Fuck. Darrell. Bevell.
As a Vikings fan I can whole heartedly endorse this comment.
Legion of Derp
Wait — can onside kicks melt steel beams?
How, perchance, will the Rams fuck this up?
DERP.
Isiah Pead will be prominently involved.
yet, if it was a fair catch, can the returner be hit?
I was wondering that as well
Right? That should have been a penalty, but Jeff Triplette is fucktarded.
yeah, where was the late hit then?
That’s a heady play. He deserves a hard slap on the ass.
That’s is a crock of shit
Wait, Manziel played?!
I had him on my bench!
Depends on your definition of ‘played’.
Mike Pettine just said the same thing
ESPN says he is Johnny Fucking Touchdown.
Wait, what? He just made that the fuck up.
Jeff Triplette moment.
Yet another game day tradition, brother number 3 is a Saints fan and he brings some Popeyes chicken on game day. Nothing wrong with that.
Oh, Pete gone batshit.
Seattle surprise onside kick surprised the kickoff team
me 2014: bears look good, could make the super bowl
[loses week 1 to buffalo]
me 2015: colts look good, could make the super bowl…….
I was just informed that the Rams official game program has an ad for United Van Lines. Probably for a discount on moving rates.
Oh hey John Brown, on my bench I see.
JJ Watt’s hard work and determination is what really made that kick good.
Don’t forget all the wood-choppin’!
John Brown goes marching on.
+1 Benet*
*Stephen Vincent
I applaud your choice of banner pic, sir!
Agreed…but looks like more maintenance than a space shuttle.
Rams just lost a DE – BRING IN MICHAEL SAM AND THE DISTRACTIONS
Is that his band’s name?
Big Ben and The Stalls
Geno Smith and the Jawbreakers.
Aaron Hernandez and the Chains.
I like pants, but around here I’m rarer than a devout free-market Capitalist in the Politburo.
Fucking Bears, could have at least gone for two and got the backdoor cover.
Not THAT kind of backdoor, Aaron…
They don’t call it Loss Vegas for nothin.
Is anyone actually even bothering trying to follow their fantasy teams today? Got more players than there are teams.
I got a zero from Vinaiteri. Probably the most surprising point total ever.
I closed my money league window with that grabage LacyDOWN, and that Abdullah score assures me it will not be re-opened.
Got enough points from Rodgers and Kelce that I probably won;t have high enough waiver priority to get James Jones, though. I HATE FUCKING FANTASY.
Hey all. Been tearing up carpet and painting doors this morning. Taking a break for NO at ARI now.
Tearing up carpet, eh, wink, wink, nudge, nudge? Painting doors, say no more, say no more.
Real live housework. It’s hot af around here.
Always a pleasure.