[Interior- Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. Scene opens on DOCTOR HOUSE sitting in his oddly-stylish and expensively furnished office, playing with his giant tennis ball thing. Enter DOCTOR WILSON]

WILSON: Good morning, House. I hope you slept well.

HOUSE: [Gruff, insulting but humorous reply].

WILSON: At least one of us is. I have a case for you. Do you remember my first neighbor when I moved to Princeton, Jason?

HOUSE: [Wry insult to Wilson’s masculinity]

WILSON: Yes, well, he’s now head football coach of the Dallas Cowboys. He called last night because his team has suffered a number of unexplained injuries.

HOUSE: Anal prolapse?

WILSON: No, no, the Cowboys, not the Patriots. And these aren’t normal modern football injuries involving torn ligaments or strains or concussions. Their bones are breaking. Shattering at the slightest touch. The team doctors are stumped. They need you, House.

HOUSE: [Catty remark about Cuddy’s cleavage]

WILSON: Will you do it? It would mean proving all those people who said lacrosse is football’s effeminate douchebro cousin wrong.

HOUSE: Jerry Jones going to send his private plane?

WILSON: Complete with a jello-filled waterbed and two coked-up hookers.

HOUSE: I’ll do it. Get my team together.

[Interior- Jerrah World. Disturbingly plush executive offices of the Dallas Cowboys.]

JASON GARRETT: Doctor House, I presume? [Titters at own half-wit joke] Ahem. Hem. I am Jason Garrett, head football coach. I went to Princeton.

JERRY JONES: AND I’M JERRAH JONES!

GARRETT: Ahem. Yes. Well, thank you for coming. I went to Princeton. We’ve had quite a spot of bad luck the last several weeks, what with two of our star players “going down” with fractured bones already.

[Dan Bailey limps past, carrying his own severed leg]

Our team physicians are the finest in the Greater Dallas-Forth Worth Metropolitan Statistical Area, but they have been unable to determine a cause for these injuries. I went to Princeton.

JERRY: I DON’T TRUST DOCTORS, EXCEPT FOR THEM PLASTIC SURGEONS! THEY KEEP MY FACE SKIN TIGHT AS A $50 WHORE’S COOCH! AND WHAT THEY CAN DO WITH BOOBS THESE DAYS! EVERYTHING IS BIGGER IN TEXAS!

DOCTOR ERIC FOREMAN: I’m sure it’s amazing. Now, if we can take a look at the injured players…

JERRY: HHHEEEEELLLLL NAW! YOU THINK I’M GOING TO LET ANOTHER TEAM’S COACH GO AND RAMBLE AROUND MY SPREAD, ASKING QUESTIONS AND POKING HIS NOSE IN?

FOREMAN: Sir, I’m not Mike Toml-

JERRY: YOU THINK YOU CAN PULL THE TUMBLEWEEDS OVER MY PEEPERS, BOY? I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!

GARRETT: Ahem. Yes. Well. Perhaps we should head down to the trainer’s suite.

[MANY HOURS LATER. Interior- Conference Room. DOCTOR CAMERON stands at whiteboard, while  HOUSE, FOREMAN, DOCTOR AUSSIEGUY, DOCTOR BISEXY, DOCTOR JEWNOSE, DOCTOR NEWKID and DOCTOR DOCTOR WILSON’S DEAD GIRLFRIEND sit around a conference table in the shape of a giant blue star.]

HOUSE: So what do we know?

CAMERON: Well, we know this isn’t cancer, osteomyelitis, osteogenesis imperfecta, whooping cough, dropsy, pulagra or rickets.

BISEXY: It could be autoimmune…

NEWKID: Yes! It could be lup-

[HOUSE beats NEWKID to death with his cane. No one lifts an eyebrow.]

HOUSE: IT’S NEVER LUPUS! Except for the one time it was. Did our highly illegal breaking and entering into the patients’ houses yield anything?

JEWNOSE: Well, it turns out Jeff Ireland was wrong. Dez Bryant’s mother is not a prostitute.

CAMERON: Really?

JEWNOSE: Yeah, she’s a madame. Runs a whole brothel out of Dez’s gardener’s cottage. Nice place- very classy.

AUSSIEGUY: All we found at Romo’s house was a whole bunch of Daisy Duke shorts.

CAMERON: He makes his wife dress up like Jessica Simpson? That’s creepy…

AUSSIEGUY: They were Men’s size large. THAT is creepy.

BISEXY: Oh, I don’t know. It’s kind of…sexy. Cuz I’m bisexual. The socially acceptable kind.

HOUSE: What if we started treatment for-

FOREMAN: No, House! We’ve already nearly killed the entire offensive line with your totally unethical guess-and-treat approach to this case. Tyron Smith may never be able to see a stubbly beard again without losing complete control over his bowels, for God’s sake!

[Spots Terrance Williams running sprints outside conference room. Trips him.]

HOUSE: [staring at whiteboard as if trying to bore a hole through it] There MUST be something we’re missing. How was Remo acting before he got injured?

JEWNOSE: Romo. And he seemed pretty normal at his pre-game press conference. Here, see for yourself.

[Grabs remote, activates World’s Largest Conference Room Video Screen. Press conference begins to play]

HOUSE: Don’t you see it?!?! You idiots! Why didn’t anyone notice this? You see, the body is like a [insert extremely strained medical metaphor where the body is like a nickel cornerback or something] and that’s why none of our treatments have been working!

CAMERON: Not because you came up with those treatments completely out of your ass?

HOUSE: [Sarcastic remark about Cameron’s cleavage]

[Interior- Cowboys training suite. ROMO, BRYANT, BAILEY, OFFENSIVE LINEMEN, THE LONG SNAPPER and THREE BALLBOYS are on treatment tables, looking pale and bloodless, as if the sweet release of death is only a few short breaths away.]

HOUSE: What are your sponsorship deals?

ROMO: Jess…Jessica? Is that you? I’m sorry I stole all your Daisy Duke shorts…

HOUSE: [Slaps Romo with cane, likely breaking several teeth] FOCUS! Have you or the team signed any new endorsement deals this season?

ROMO: Milk. Cowboys…new deal…milk….

HOUSE: Get him started on Dexamethapregnaglobutrimethazone. 821 centigrams per fortnight. Get them all started.

GARRETT: My stars- what does the New Official Non-Beer Beverage of Dallas Cowboys Football have to do with this? I went to Princeton.

HOUSE: Only this.

[Activates World’s Largest Patient Room Television. Press conference plays]

There, do you see it? You idiots have been poisoning your own players. Enhance the bottom left. Zoom in.

AUSSIEGUY: My God. Is that…?

[Voice reverberating distantly and entering through inexplicable and unnecessary skylight]: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW! I AM FUCKING CRAZY!