High Plains Grifter

-The camera pulls back to show a once prosperous and optimistic but now desolate, nearly deserted town.

Lago Hell

Two men stand at the entrance to the town’s once busy hotel.  They are the only two people visible, although a disconcerting number of vultures can be seen circling above the town.

jason-garrettI tell you sir, I have never seen the like of it, and I went to Princeton!  Our two best men, gunned down like animals!  And we but days away from those nefarious New Englanders being released from the territorial prison after having completed their sentences for deflating pigskins.  I don’t like our chances at all.  Also Princeton.

jerry-jonesThat’s some fine exposition there Princeton but, (spits what could be tobacco, could be blood), nobody got gunned down and you know it.  Dez broke his foot off in some john’s ass gettin’ him outta his momma’s house and Romo tripped over one a’ them Daisy Duke shorts we kept findin’ around his locker.

jason-garretthmm yes, but it sounded better my way.

jerry-jonesOh piss on your way you Ivy-league sonuvabitch!! We’ve got a real problem on our hands here.  Those Patriot pricks’ll get outta prison in two days and they’re gonna be coming here lookin’ for revenge.  All I’ve got to stop ’em are Doopy Pantz over there, (points to Brandon Weeden, who has wandered out into the road and is trying to pet a skunk), and half a defense.  I don’t like our chances with that, especially given your fondness for bubble screens.

Jason-Garrett 2With all due respect sir, my bubble screens were very popular at Princeton, where I played football and my father called the plays.  Also we will have the service of the one they call ‘The Kraken’ by that time.  I’m told he got on the 3:10 at Yuma this afternoon and should be here before the Patriots get out.

jerry-jones Yeah, I’d forgotten about Kraken.  I guess he can probably keep from throwing a woman onto a heap of assault rifles for one week anyway.  That’ll help, no doubt.  But we need something more; we need a real gunslinger to get our offense goi…Hey, what’s that?

(the camera swoops back, away from town and focusing on the back of a lone rider.  The rider approaches the town slowly, as though uncertain of his destination.

Grifter Rides

jason-garrettI’m not sure sir.  He looks vaguely familiar though, as if he had a mysterious past, or had at one time been relevant to our work.  He’s almost recognizable; I think, oh shit, oh good Christ no it’s…

CassellHI!  I’M MATT CASSELL, GUNSLINGER FOR HIRE!!  I HEARD YOUR TOP GUNSLINGER WENT DOWN AND YOUR SECOND STRINGER APPEARS TO BE MAKING LOVE TO A SKUNK!!!  I’M HERE TO OFFER MY SERVICE TO PROTECT THIS HERE TOWN, AND ALL I ASK IS THAT I GET WHATEVER I WANT FROM YOUR TOWN FOR AS LONG AS I’M HERE.  FAILING THAT I’LL SETTLE FOR THE LEAGUE MINIMUM!!!  I OWE THOSE PATRIOTS FOR STEALING FOUR YEARS OF MY LIFE!!!

jerry-jonesMatt Cassell?  The same Matt Cassell who washed out in Minnesota?

CassellYUP!!!!!

jason-garrettThe same Matt Cassell who protected Kansas City for one season and pretty much let the savages do whatever the hell they wanted for another three?

CassellYUP!!!!

jerry-jonesChrist’s sake boy, why do you keep shouting?  We’re standing three fucking feet in front of you!

CassellI’M NEVER SURE ANYTHING I THROW, INCLUDING MY VOICE, WILL GO BEYOND TWO FEET WITH ANY KIND OF EFFECTIVENESS, SIR, SO I COMPENSATE BY YELLING REALLY LOUDLY!!!!  ALSO YELLING SEEMS TO MATCH THIS PICTURE, WHICH SUGGESTS FAR MORE OPTIMISM THAN IS JUSTIFIED BY MY PRIOR PERFORMANCES!!!!!

jerry-jonesWhatever punk.  Hey, aren’t you that same guy that wanted to protect the southlands of California but couldn’t get past those two stumble bums, Palmer and Matt Whathisface?

CassellLEINART SIR!  AND YUP THAT WAS ME!!!

jerry-jonesSon, I don’t know who told you that we was so desperate that we’d pay a third rate gunslin…

weedenMr. Jones, sir?  That striped kitty bit me in my special place and sprayed me in my face and now I’m all stinky and my eyes are burning and it hurts when I try to pee!

jerry-jones-facepalm(to Cassell)  When can you start?

CassellI’LL BE READY JUST IN TIME TO RUN OFF THOSE PATRIOTS SIR!!!

/fast forward to ten minutes after the Patriots arrive in town

riot4a

jason-garrett 3Well, that went better than I expected!

jerry-jonesOh fuck off Princeton.  I’m going over to Dez’s momma’s house.  He won’t be doin’ any kickin’ for at least another two weeks.

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
26 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
WhyEaglesWhy

I had no idea that Jerral had appeared in the “Black Hole Sun” video.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ballsofsteelandfury

Well done!

That picture of Cassell is horrifying.

litre_cola

Was just lost in thought and it came to me. If JERRAH had his way Johnny football would be qbing the Cowboys. That would be fantastic theatre.

Beerguyrob

In the front of my brain, I can easily picture a scenario where good ol’ Jerry sends Jim Irsay some Texas Gonzalez in a straight trade for Andrew Luck.

pickettschargeksk

I’M NEVER SURE ANYTHING I THROW, INCLUDING MY VOICE, WILL GO BEYOND TWO FEET WITH ANY KIND OF EFFECTIVENESS

That’s just a top quality goddamn joke, right there.

/remembers Cassel era in Minnesota, vomits
//sobs
///sob-vomits
////somits

montythisseemsstrangetome

Off topic: Is there anyone more unlikeable in baseball right now than Jonathan Papelbon?

http://38.media.tumblr.com/8fb70b6fb4509ec29acf273eb5d92b52/tumblr_nvcrelpCwI1qgsza6o1_540.gif

SonOfSpam

Base-ball?

(To answer your question, maybe Ty Cobb?)

Sep

No, but the worst part is the people that have come out and DEFENDED what he did. I…just…I dunno, fuck all those people.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Bryce Harper?

WCS

Any Cardinal?

montythisseemsstrangetome

You’re right but go fuck yourself WCS.

Sill Bimmons

Just take a moment and stop to think about the sheer heights of douchebaggery it takes to make a sympathetic figure out of Bryce Harper.

Simply awe-inspiring.

SonOfSpam

“Put on my hat and DAMMIT scratch my head, that was smooth, no cameras right?”

Love everything about this.

Sep

Matt Cassel is what that lad Prince Herbert inherits in The Holy Grail: The strongest Cassel built on a swamp.

SonOfSpam

I feel like you really nailed the Weeden persona as a less-rapey BEN.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Brandon Weeden, who has wandered out into the road and is trying to pet a skunk…

Love this image. Also, “Whathisface” isn’t really something Jerrah would say, it’s more of a Mike Mayock expression.

Beerguyrob

“Fucknuts there” does seem more Jerrah’s style.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Nicely played

BrettFavresColonoscopy

“I’M NEVER SURE ANYTHING I THROW, INCLUDING MY VOICE, WILL GO BEYOND TWO FEET WITH ANY KIND OF EFFECTIVENESS”

Take all my internetz

montythisseemsstrangetome

Jerry Jones seems remarkably restrained and reasonable in this piece. Fantasy Fan Fiction indeed.

King Hippo

I’m amazed he’s kept those devil horns in…for now.

Enrico Pallazzo

I’m surprised that the GODDAMN DOUBLE J didn’t try to call up The Land Baron.