Your Early Games Slate

Excuse the mess around these parts. A hellacious, take-no-prisoners Canadian slap fight took place here yesterday. I see certain commenters in a whole new light now and as for me-I don’t think I’ll ever be quite the same again. I regard these upcoming games as a salve for the many psychic wounds incurred. Let’s get to them, shall we?

Chi @ KC: The Battles of the 1-3’s! Cutler is questionable but expected to play so I can’t use the word Clausenfuck. Damn it! Bears leading receiver is Bennett, averaging 50 yds. per game. That’s not going to cut it. Chicago has 13 guys listed as questionable and has had to throw together the old tried and true “patchwork” line to protect Cutler. He’ll be blamed for their inevitable failure against a Chiefs squad that can get to the QB. Don’t put it past Reid to completely ignore JC inside the red zone YET AGAIN.

Sea @ Cin: Cincy is favoured by 3 in this game and Lynch will miss his 2nd straight game. Dalton is ginger-hot with a 9/1 TD/Intercept ratio. Both teams have won their last few games-Wilson has been sacked a league-leading 18 times so far while Dalton has fallen into enemy hands just twice so far. That’s good protection! Seattle is third best in QB pressures though. All-Pro Geno Atkins doesn’t care-he’s up against Justin Britt and the incipient skid marks he’ll have on his undies.

Was @ Atl: Slurs D has improved from 31st last year to about 11th to date. They are ranked #2 in yards allowed in the run game. Pass D might be an issue though-starting in the secondary this week is a 2nd yr. guy, a rook and a recent signee. JULIO SHALL FEAST. Much like Dalton/Green, Ryan/Jones have a very exciting and unstoppable thing going these days. Despite that I’d say that Freeman’s 448 combined yards and 7 TD’s have been more significant regarding Falco’s ritzy 4-0 start.

Jax @ TB: It’s the battle of the 1-3’s! Sound familiar? Welcome to Goodhell’s NFL. Hard to tell by the record but Bortles is progressing, Yeldon looks to be the future of the backfield and Robinson would be getting much more print were he in a more football-friendly city. Also, TE Thomas is expected to put in his first start today. The huge news in Tampa is that Connor Barth is back in town! If he makes 51% of his field goals he’ll be an improvement over Brindza. So, what I’m saying is…THE BAR IS LOW FOR HIM! (God, I love kicker jokes, don’t you?) Thar be talk that Head Pirate Smith be walking the plank before the next full moon.

NO @ Phi: Rob Ryan’s D gives up 9.8 yards per pass play. That’s right, pass against the Saints and you win a first down. Last I heard this was a passing league and you have to defend the pass. Pass-Wolfman’s not getting one. Ingram and Matthews-respective RB’s in this game-have one thing in common, they both lead their team in rushing and receiving. I guess that’s two things. Contrary to what you may think this game is rated AAA by the good folks at Duracell.

Cle @ Bal: Browns D is ranked 28th overall. Throw out last year with Tampa and McCown has a 17/2 ratio going back to his Bears days. Thanks to this statistical finagling I can put it out there that he’s a serviceable QB which he is not but can anyone do anything here? Browns starters are dealing with more than their share of boo-boos-Robertson, Gipson, RB’s Draugh, Turbin and Johnson, Hartline, Dansby and Haden are all out or playing wounded. The Ravens pass game is so bad Chris Givens is looked at as an upgrade. [looks over WR crew] Hmmm, Smith, Waller, Brown, Aiken and Campanaro…huh, I guess he is an improvement.

StL @ GB: Gurley went squirrelly last week against an above-average Cards D. His reward? Green Bay on the road. If the rook can keep the ball in his hands for lengthy periods of time it will give the Rams a shot at a win. The Pack are favoured by 9, are 4-0 ATS and have won 11 straight at home. A Rams win is not going to happen.

Buf @ Ten: Watkins is out today. I do love the way the Bills are playing D but Ryan lets them go off the rails at times as we saw against the Giants last week and the end result is a ton of stupid penalties. Due to injuries in the backfield Boobie has got to get it done for Buffalo and I have faith in him because Boobies have always done it for me. The Titans running yards leader is Sankey with 126 and their receiving king is Wright with 213. Oof! Those are lousy numbers, kids. Mariota is humming along to the tune of 8 TD’s and 2 intercepts. Rook QB’s need to keep their mistakes to a minimum (listening are we Winston?) and he’s done that. It was evident even in pre-season that when a play or protection broke down he didn’t get panicky. Now, how about a little help, D?

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Redshirt

Brandon Tote: “Kickoff is nine-yards in the endzone? Hesitated after catching the kick? Fuck yeah, I’ll run it out!”

King Hippo

He went to U*NC, chances are he’s a few IQ points short of room temperature.

Redshirt

I should have known something was up when ESPN was singing praises to the Bengals. That never ends up well!

Old School Zero

Ohhh, Cutler.

...

In an odd way, it almost comforts me that he fucks up like this because it affirms my belief that caring about the Bears this year is a waste of time.

Old School Zero

That sounds like the last year of Norv Turner on the Chargers for me.

Gratliff

SAM BRADFORD EVERYBODY OH MY GOD

King Hippo

Trail of Tears, this time with airborne batteries!

Romonobyl

Gotta automobile project with the son, see youse guys for the Dallas massacre.

Old School Zero

Don’t let him wrench you around.

Charge of the Light Brigade

I was going to have a fun time with you guys, but the streams for my game is shit, so off to the bar I go. Have a good one commentists! I might be back for the evening thread.

Old School Zero

Drink well!

Gratliff

That’s the Bengals D I remember.

Redshirt

Sadly, me too.

indieguy

Flacco did something unexpected. Someone must have put some splenda in his water

JustStopDude

I heard he actually had a salted cracker in his pregame warm up.

Romonobyl

Fan Duel / Draft Kings commercial…DRINK!

nomonkeyfun

Don’t commit suicide today.

Old School Zero

ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US?

JustStopDude

That Flacco goal line sneak was ELITE…and fucking hilarious…

Old School Zero

That’s the wildest Flacco’s been in years.

King Hippo

Nice almost pick 6 by Flacco from the Factory 1.

Old School Zero

Seahawks just got Eifert’d on.

John Difool

ICECEPTION

King Hippo

Dunno if I’ve ever seen anything more incongruous than Jeff Fisher in pink sunglasses.

FUCK ME, knew I shoulda started Ty over Willie Snead.

Spur

Jeff Fisher’s pink sunglasses makes him more intimidating

Col. Duke LaCross

He looks like the”Mouth of the South” Jimmy Hart.

Spur

Dalton look good. Does this mean I have to stop making fun of him?

nomonkeyfun

Not until he looks good in the play—
/Falls to floor laughing.

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

But what are the chances he shits the bed again in the playoffs.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No; more credence to the no soul jokes.

Old School Zero

Ha ha, Bills, you so cray-zayyy

King Hippo

Hey Moose – am I wrong about teh Oakland footy contest?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Were did you speak of this blasphemy?

King Hippo

Imaginary money DFO gambling.

The Maestro

Mmm, time for some authentic Montreal-style bagels.

Montreal bagels > NYC bagels.

Fight me.

Romonobyl

A pox on your house sir! Manhattan bagels or GTFO!

Sharkbait

Are they covered in cheese curds and gravy?

/poutine is the shit.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You stand on pizza makes anything you say invalid.

JustStopDude

Quality state to the Ravens Offense….

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

A fumble on the fucking kickoff. THIS IS WHY I DON’T WATCH YOU, TITANS!

Jesus Tennessee.

King Hippo

…and they are still thirsty

/raises fist

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Odd name, but catchy.

Sharkbait

Gentlemen.

Spanky Datass
Spur

Are there any other Europe songs?

Romonobyl

I think a few came out during WWII…oh…you mean the “band”.

Spanky Datass

The Penultimate Countdown?

Col. Duke LaCross

“Rock The Night” and “Love Chaser” were pretty solid.

Spur

Troy Aikman looks like he’s having an allergic reaction. He’s all red and puffy.

King Hippo

Buck must have used a new fragrance on his junk.

King Hippo

Who’s gonna bake a mediterranean seasoned tuna steak and pop some vicuprofen in about half an hour?

THIS HIPPO!!!

Col. Duke LaCross

HOW THE FUCK YA DOIN’!

Hungover.

John Difool

Furiously trying to get drunk before the Falcons curbstomp the Skins.

Redshirt

Looks like the other NFL game is “Looking for a Medicare plan? Tune in now!”, “Paid Programming”, “Paid Programming”, “Queen City Craft: Home Brewing” and “Entertainment Tonight”.

I hate NFL Rules.

Spur

Shouldn’t Joe Buck be gone doing Baseball shit?

King Hippo

I’m sure he will spend the entire footbaw game talking about how excited he is about the fucking goddamned Cubs.

Old School Zero

HERE WE GO REDZONE CHANNEL HERE WE GO

King Hippo

CUE TEH HEROIC MUZAK!!!!

Redshirt

Over/Under Number of “Utley Slide Legal” comments when defenseless receiver fouls are called: 5

King Hippo

The other Utley? SO JELLY, guys…

JustStopDude

Frying up a plate of scrapple…

http://pabook.libraries.psu.edu/palitmap/scrapple1.JPG

It looks gross, but dear god the smell and the taste is awsome. Its basically all the leftovers from a processed pig, slow cooked into a paste block. You then cut it and fry the shit out of it. I love it thin and crispy.

Its a holdover from Germany and Dutch cooking so its a regional thing…

Gratliff

I haven’t had Scrapple since I move to Michigan. It’s hard to convince people who don’t have access to it that the combination of ingredients creates an edible substance.

King Hippo

yeah, that sounds nasty and I’m from the SOUTH

nomonkeyfun

The best, no scratch that the only reason to go to Baltimore.

Well, besides rioting.

Col. Duke LaCross

Had a dorm mate my junior year of college that made some once. None of us knew what it was and it looked like congealed vomit before he cooked it. But goddamn if it wasn’t the greatest hangover helper we ever had.

Bloody Lethal

Start Alfred Morris against Atlanta today or start Theo Riddick vs. AZ or Shane Vereen vs. SF??

/I will lose any way.

Spur

We don’t need a third Manning.

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Sigh – Cooper.

JustStopDude

I understand these Fox and CBS pregame shows less and less. They seem to go on for forever and they are so boring…

Like what the fuck is this about? https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=181&v=l9MZFPSpJ2Y

Gratliff

Good to see Terry Bradshaw getting some time in as a producer.

Spanky Datass

I landed on Fox earlier just in time to hear Cowherd use an unverifiable (probably fabricated) quote to prop up his flimsy opinion. So typical him, I guess. (Such a punchable face)

http://41.media.tumblr.com/a438845d7dae91e549c37770fa9d7711/tumblr_nsmo54pWKz1qzayzko1_500.jpg

Bloody Lethal

I don’t care what your point was.

Gratliff

I’m rooting hard for a 4-way 2-3 tie in the NFC East come Monday morning. Doopy Pantz vs. New England, Racism vs. Atlanta in a strange heel turn, and the Giants’ inability to not faceplant every time they have an opportunity to do a thing. Hot Garbage Fire in full effect today, I think.

John Difool

I have this weird feeling Dallas may be the only winner in the NFC East today and I don’t like it.

King Hippo

4-way tie at 6-10 to end the season with total points tiebreaker would be pretty great.

JustStopDude

Cleveland at Baltimore. Should be the perfect game for the Ravens to build on their Steelers win last week. Get an easy win.

I expect them to get blown out at home.

King Hippo

I NEED some Ratbird defensive TDs, to counteract what fucking DeAndre Hopkins did to me Thursday night,

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

It’s the Browns so they won’t lose, but the game will suck the life out of ya.
http://orig15.deviantart.net/f583/f/2015/121/5/2/cell_absorbs_fat_man_o_by_redhavic-d8rrwnj.gif

The Maestro

So in weird sense of karma that perhaps stems from my overt nationalism, I crashed hard on my bike yesterday and tore my leg, shoulder and hand completely to shit. Brakes just completely locked up on me. Fortunately I was only at about 25 mph, but any more than that and it could have been so much worse. But at any rate, looks like I get to enjoy my Thanksgiving stuck on the couch with a fuck ton of gauze and polysporin.

Gratliff

Wow. So Brandon Fells might lose his foot. The MRSA jokes aren’t going to be as funny now, and his production is in danger of dropping to Victor Cruz levels.

King Hippo

Yikes.

John Difool

Got MRSA in my right hand after surgery with pin placement to set a broken thumb. Scariest most painful shit that ever happened to me. They give you the same medication that fights Anthrax, if that doesn’t work you’re tucked.

JustStopDude

Same here when I was in the military. I got it in one armpit and unknowingly spread it to the other one using deodorant.

I got a strong paint tolerance. I’ve broken a leg before and walked on it for a month because I got spina bifida. I can’t feel shit….and that MRSA crap had me begging medical to just put a bullet in my head.

Fucking carrier went like Def Con 1. Made me burn all my shit. They moved everyone out of the berthing (and this is out to sea mind you so there isn’t space for shit) and bleached the fuck out of it.

Bloody Lethal

Same for Daniel Fells.

Gratliff

Holy shit. I have 4 fantasy players out this week and 1 on bye. This season is bullshit.

King Hippo

I’m wondering if Sonny Dykes gets offered a better job than Cal. Pretty remarkable that they were in it to the end in SLC last night, with their QB shitting the bed like that.

Col. Duke LaCross

That game was sloppy as fuck for both teams, and I say that as a Ute fan.

Spur

Chip Kelly goes back to Oregon or USC?

...

Arkansas.

Spur

I just show that Mets-Dodger play. In baseball, it’s ok to slide in a way to hurt someone but you can’t celebrate after hitting a home run. Unwritten rules are stupid.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

An unwritten rule is no rule at all.

nomonkeyfun

“Hey I’ve done pretty well.”

-British Constitution

King Hippo

Ah, the joys of the 20-team league and bye weeks/injury problems. Antonio Andrews or Boom Herron for my 2nd flex is driving me up the wall.

King Hippo

Did I mention I am already starting Kaep with Cam on bye? Chuh chuh.

Spur

Morning! I really hope the Rams pull out a win today.

laserguru

I hope so too. Get that winning streak going!

laserguru

Alright I’m getting up. Time for a five mile walk followed by a bacon and egg breakfast sandwich, then get my marinade started cuz there are games to watch and ribs to grill. Yesterday was a glorious and joyous baseball day and I’ve got cash on a two team parlay today.
Game day!

laserguru

Now that you said that you can expect to see Aaron Rogers in the next few days.

Gratliff

Eagles and Saints are a combined 2-6. I really didn’t miss the late 90’s.

nomonkeyfun

It’s a good thing Clausen isn’t playing today. Andy Reid would put on a set of XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL pads and eat him alive.

nomonkeyfun

I’ve always believed it’s best not to get kids hope up. He’s just learning early what a cold cruel world this is.
His parents though. Someone should call Olivia Benson. That woman is worse than Hedda Nussbaum.

laserguru

He’s a little young to have the “thousand yard stare”.

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