Your Early Games Slate

Excuse the mess around these parts. A hellacious, take-no-prisoners Canadian slap fight took place here yesterday. I see certain commenters in a whole new light now and as for me-I don’t think I’ll ever be quite the same again. I regard these upcoming games as a salve for the many psychic wounds incurred. Let’s get to them, shall we?

Chi @ KC: The Battles of the 1-3’s! Cutler is questionable but expected to play so I can’t use the word Clausenfuck. Damn it! Bears leading receiver is Bennett, averaging 50 yds. per game. That’s not going to cut it. Chicago has 13 guys listed as questionable and has had to throw together the old tried and true “patchwork” line to protect Cutler. He’ll be blamed for their inevitable failure against a Chiefs squad that can get to the QB. Don’t put it past Reid to completely ignore JC inside the red zone YET AGAIN.

Sea @ Cin: Cincy is favoured by 3 in this game and Lynch will miss his 2nd straight game. Dalton is ginger-hot with a 9/1 TD/Intercept ratio. Both teams have won their last few games-Wilson has been sacked a league-leading 18 times so far while Dalton has fallen into enemy hands just twice so far. That’s good protection! Seattle is third best in QB pressures though. All-Pro Geno Atkins doesn’t care-he’s up against Justin Britt and the incipient skid marks he’ll have on his undies.

Was @ Atl: Slurs D has improved from 31st last year to about 11th to date. They are ranked #2 in yards allowed in the run game. Pass D might be an issue though-starting in the secondary this week is a 2nd yr. guy, a rook and a recent signee. JULIO SHALL FEAST. Much like Dalton/Green, Ryan/Jones have a very exciting and unstoppable thing going these days. Despite that I’d say that Freeman’s 448 combined yards and 7 TD’s have been more significant regarding Falco’s ritzy 4-0 start.

Jax @ TB: It’s the battle of the 1-3’s! Sound familiar? Welcome to Goodhell’s NFL. Hard to tell by the record but Bortles is progressing, Yeldon looks to be the future of the backfield and Robinson would be getting much more print were he in a more football-friendly city. Also, TE Thomas is expected to put in his first start today. The huge news in Tampa is that Connor Barth is back in town! If he makes 51% of his field goals he’ll be an improvement over Brindza. So, what I’m saying is…THE BAR IS LOW FOR HIM! (God, I love kicker jokes, don’t you?) Thar be talk that Head Pirate Smith be walking the plank before the next full moon.

NO @ Phi: Rob Ryan’s D gives up 9.8 yards per pass play. That’s right, pass against the Saints and you win a first down. Last I heard this was a passing league and you have to defend the pass. Pass-Wolfman’s not getting one. Ingram and Matthews-respective RB’s in this game-have one thing in common, they both lead their team in rushing and receiving. I guess that’s two things. Contrary to what you may think this game is rated AAA by the good folks at Duracell.

Cle @ Bal: Browns D is ranked 28th overall. Throw out last year with Tampa and McCown has a 17/2 ratio going back to his Bears days. Thanks to this statistical finagling I can put it out there that he’s a serviceable QB which he is not but can anyone do anything here? Browns starters are dealing with more than their share of boo-boos-Robertson, Gipson, RB’s Draugh, Turbin and Johnson, Hartline, Dansby and Haden are all out or playing wounded. The Ravens pass game is so bad Chris Givens is looked at as an upgrade. [looks over WR crew] Hmmm, Smith, Waller, Brown, Aiken and Campanaro…huh, I guess he is an improvement.

StL @ GB: Gurley went squirrelly last week against an above-average Cards D. His reward? Green Bay on the road. If the rook can keep the ball in his hands for lengthy periods of time it will give the Rams a shot at a win. The Pack are favoured by 9, are 4-0 ATS and have won 11 straight at home. A Rams win is not going to happen.

Buf @ Ten: Watkins is out today. I do love the way the Bills are playing D but Ryan lets them go off the rails at times as we saw against the Giants last week and the end result is a ton of stupid penalties. Due to injuries in the backfield Boobie has got to get it done for Buffalo and I have faith in him because Boobies have always done it for me. The Titans running yards leader is Sankey with 126 and their receiving king is Wright with 213. Oof! Those are lousy numbers, kids. Mariota is humming along to the tune of 8 TD’s and 2 intercepts. Rook QB’s need to keep their mistakes to a minimum (listening are we Winston?) and he’s done that. It was evident even in pre-season that when a play or protection broke down he didn’t get panicky. Now, how about a little help, D?

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Old School Zero

Fuck the Calvin Johnson rule.

King Hippo

Of course, now Washington just has no time to possibly make a last ditch comeback. Poor fuckers.

Sill Bimmons

At least I got a Roddy catch, first one in three weeks.

Sharkbait

Bills gon’ Bills

Redshirt

Officials: Penalty on Bengals’ WR!
(NFL Commish looks sternly)
Officials: We mean Seahawks’ CB!
(NFL Commish smiles approvingly)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Brick Meathook

Watch out! She could accidentally sit on those sunglasses and break them.

Please be careful!

Spanky Datass

IT’S EVEN BIGGER AND WETTER THE SECOND TIME!!!!1!! SORCERY!?!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

POST FAIL!!

Sill Bimmons

YESSSSSSSSSSSS COME ON RODDYDOWN

John Difool

HOLY FUCK ATLANTA

Moonbatting Average

What? What happened?

John Difool

The inevitable got prolonged.

Sill Bimmons

Union certification of Factory workers denied by NLRB; production ordered to be restarted as workers appeal ruling.

King Hippo

WHAAAAAAAAAA????????????

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moonbatting Average

Fucking FINALLY, Matty

Redshirt

Need a Field Goal? No Timeouts?

One yard reception, tackled inbounds.

The Bengal Way, bay!

entropy

He wasn’t tackled. He was run the fuck over.

Moonbatting Average

O WE GON TRY A LITTLE GAMESMANSHIP

Gratliff

YEAH! FUCK THE [*Redacted] S!

Why Thank You Eddie

“YEAH! FUCK THE [*Redacted] S!”

– Andrew Jackson

King Hippo

Too cold, too cold.

entropy

That was an interesting tactic, Bungles.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
entropy

Well, good morning.

Moonbatting Average

Oh, Bungles

Sill Bimmons

MATTY ICE SMASH

Gratliff

Look at Matty Ice throwing an ineffective shoulder.

The Maestro

How is football so good and so shit all at the same time? It’s the Schrödinger’s cat of sports.

ThePirateSloth

God. Dammit. Darrell. Bevell. And your conservative fucking play calling when up by 17 fucking points.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Brick Meathook

I like the dude in the back talking on his iPhone.

Redshirt

One time, Pacman! ONE TIME!

The NFL’s war against defense continues

Sharkbait

Back from work, beer in hand. Just in time to see the Bills celebrating and then get flagged again.

The Maestro

Did she sleep with Ricky AND Julian?

That is fucking gree-hee-heasy.

Sill Bimmons

WHY WOULD YOU TAKE THE GAME OUT OF GURLEY’S HANDS THERE GAHHHHHHHHHHHH

King Hippo

150 yards rushing, and they have 3 offensive points.

Sill Bimmons

WHEN DID TODD HALEY START COACHING THE RAMS

Dick E. Phuck

Ha-Ha. Game over Rams.

ThePirateSloth

My motorcycle ridin, alcoholic, angry at “the man” cousin, TheBuccaneerGrizzly, has now arrived to post his hatred of Darrell Bevell.

Lothar of the Hill People

DONTCAREDOWN

Moonbatting Average

Don’t mess with my emotions like this, Bengals

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Somehow it fits.

Sill Bimmons

5 yard QB sneakdown

entropy

holy shit GingerDown in Cincy

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Redshirt

Not anymore.

Spanky Datass

I was earlier, not now.

Redshirt

Does the Bengals think that there’s a fifth quarter?

Sill Bimmons

Dark days indeed when officials are praised for getting an obvious call correct.

That was a shit play call Washington.

JustStopDude

Honest to god…I am confused as to how the Ravens have even made it to 1-3 at this point.

Fuck it….I’m pulling for Cleveland just so I can hear the teeth knashing from my home town.

Sill Bimmons

Because Todd Haley And The Scobees were doing their greatest hits.

Lothar of the Hill People

Catler is running around in the pocket like someone’s got a laser pointer.

Moonbatting Average

Gentlemen. Any entertaining games on? Bucs vs Jags? *spit take*

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Spanky Datass

Spanky Likey! Obs.

Gratliff

Wow. Sup.

entropy

Did anyone really say, “you know what we need on TV? more John Stamos.”

Sill Bimmons

Every woman over 50?

Sill Bimmons

Emergency board meeting at The Factory as employees send their unionization vote to the NLRB for certification.