Your Early Games Slate

Excuse the mess around these parts. A hellacious, take-no-prisoners Canadian slap fight took place here yesterday. I see certain commenters in a whole new light now and as for me-I don’t think I’ll ever be quite the same again. I regard these upcoming games as a salve for the many psychic wounds incurred. Let’s get to them, shall we?

Chi @ KC: The Battles of the 1-3’s! Cutler is questionable but expected to play so I can’t use the word Clausenfuck. Damn it! Bears leading receiver is Bennett, averaging 50 yds. per game. That’s not going to cut it. Chicago has 13 guys listed as questionable and has had to throw together the old tried and true “patchwork” line to protect Cutler. He’ll be blamed for their inevitable failure against a Chiefs squad that can get to the QB. Don’t put it past Reid to completely ignore JC inside the red zone YET AGAIN.

Sea @ Cin: Cincy is favoured by 3 in this game and Lynch will miss his 2nd straight game. Dalton is ginger-hot with a 9/1 TD/Intercept ratio. Both teams have won their last few games-Wilson has been sacked a league-leading 18 times so far while Dalton has fallen into enemy hands just twice so far. That’s good protection! Seattle is third best in QB pressures though. All-Pro Geno Atkins doesn’t care-he’s up against Justin Britt and the incipient skid marks he’ll have on his undies.

Was @ Atl: Slurs D has improved from 31st last year to about 11th to date. They are ranked #2 in yards allowed in the run game. Pass D might be an issue though-starting in the secondary this week is a 2nd yr. guy, a rook and a recent signee. JULIO SHALL FEAST. Much like Dalton/Green, Ryan/Jones have a very exciting and unstoppable thing going these days. Despite that I’d say that Freeman’s 448 combined yards and 7 TD’s have been more significant regarding Falco’s ritzy 4-0 start.

Jax @ TB: It’s the battle of the 1-3’s! Sound familiar? Welcome to Goodhell’s NFL. Hard to tell by the record but Bortles is progressing, Yeldon looks to be the future of the backfield and Robinson would be getting much more print were he in a more football-friendly city. Also, TE Thomas is expected to put in his first start today. The huge news in Tampa is that Connor Barth is back in town! If he makes 51% of his field goals he’ll be an improvement over Brindza. So, what I’m saying is…THE BAR IS LOW FOR HIM! (God, I love kicker jokes, don’t you?) Thar be talk that Head Pirate Smith be walking the plank before the next full moon.

NO @ Phi: Rob Ryan’s D gives up 9.8 yards per pass play. That’s right, pass against the Saints and you win a first down. Last I heard this was a passing league and you have to defend the pass. Pass-Wolfman’s not getting one. Ingram and Matthews-respective RB’s in this game-have one thing in common, they both lead their team in rushing and receiving. I guess that’s two things. Contrary to what you may think this game is rated AAA by the good folks at Duracell.

Cle @ Bal: Browns D is ranked 28th overall. Throw out last year with Tampa and McCown has a 17/2 ratio going back to his Bears days. Thanks to this statistical finagling I can put it out there that he’s a serviceable QB which he is not but can anyone do anything here? Browns starters are dealing with more than their share of boo-boos-Robertson, Gipson, RB’s Draugh, Turbin and Johnson, Hartline, Dansby and Haden are all out or playing wounded. The Ravens pass game is so bad Chris Givens is looked at as an upgrade. [looks over WR crew] Hmmm, Smith, Waller, Brown, Aiken and Campanaro…huh, I guess he is an improvement.

StL @ GB: Gurley went squirrelly last week against an above-average Cards D. His reward? Green Bay on the road. If the rook can keep the ball in his hands for lengthy periods of time it will give the Rams a shot at a win. The Pack are favoured by 9, are 4-0 ATS and have won 11 straight at home. A Rams win is not going to happen.

Buf @ Ten: Watkins is out today. I do love the way the Bills are playing D but Ryan lets them go off the rails at times as we saw against the Giants last week and the end result is a ton of stupid penalties. Due to injuries in the backfield Boobie has got to get it done for Buffalo and I have faith in him because Boobies have always done it for me. The Titans running yards leader is Sankey with 126 and their receiving king is Wright with 213. Oof! Those are lousy numbers, kids. Mariota is humming along to the tune of 8 TD’s and 2 intercepts. Rook QB’s need to keep their mistakes to a minimum (listening are we Winston?) and he’s done that. It was evident even in pre-season that when a play or protection broke down he didn’t get panicky. Now, how about a little help, D?

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
entropy

She’s with him because he’s got a great sense of humor.

blackroseMD1

That KC-Bears game was pretty damn good, aside from the fact that Jamaal Charles’ ACL decided to get the hell out of Dodge.

RIP my fantasy teams.

entropy

Yep. Seattle just giving it up.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Sharkbait

Is that Rio 2016?

John Difool

That’s about right.

King Hippo

whew, they don’t make you kick the extra point any more, I get the Skins cover!!

...

John Fox icing the kicker on a 66 yard attempt?

Is it wrong to want your own team to lose because of that?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Um…. great chance to block it.

...

Eh. Not sure you need to take a timeout to do that.

Plus the chance of an outdoor 66-yard kick even coming close to the uprights is so low as to not need a strategy to stop it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You may want the right block play in and the ST coach could have called it. We don’t know the reason the TO was called.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Called FOR it.

Old School Zero

HELL TO THE [*Redacted] S

John Difool

Ladies and Gentlemen….. Kirk Soul-Crushins

Spanky Datass

No Cousins, I needed the pick-six when the Dirty Birds coudl still cover!

Smuckers

There’s the captain kirk i know.

Sill Bimmons

haha cousins

Dick E. Phuck

Game ending Pick six. How Washington.

Gratliff

FUCK YOU SKINS

Sill Bimmons

NOW GET A FUCKING STOP BROWNS

...

Oooooooh! Potentially soul-crushing defeat possible in Kansas City!

Moonbatting Average

Cleveland leaving plenty of time to Cleveland

Dick E. Phuck

Those Browns were streaking down the field.

ThePirateSloth

I hate you Darrell Bevell

Sill Bimmons

NLRB decertification ruling overturned on appeal, Factory workers locked out as management contemplates next steps.

Dunstan

Wagner Act humor is the best!

Sill Bimmons

A side benefit of having been married to a soulless HR exec.

Ravens fans file FOIA request to uncover evidence of the refs conspiracy against Baltimore.

blaxabbath

Anyone: “I have an idea…”

CBS: “WE’LL TAKE IT AND TURN IT IN TO A POLICE TV SHOW!”

Sill Bimmons

OMELETTE COPS: DINER DIVISION

entropy

Russell Wilson just tried to get Locket killed.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moonbatting Average

Come on Jags! All the overtime!

Doktor Zymm

So…the Skins DIDN’T completely melt down in the second half? Neat.

...

Don’t worry. There’s an entire extra period for them to meltdown in instead!

Gratliff

Baltimore is going to burn slightly more than usual tonight.

Sharkbait

Factory of sadness suddenly on strike. Production of sadness has ceased.

nomonkeyfun

They are still producing just storing it up for later in the year. They plan to flood the market. It may happen next week, the week after or for even greater sales, at Christmas.

John Difool

ProTip to Washington: You just might want to cover that Freeman guy

Old School Zero

Wait, is it legal for the 2015 Bears to win in the same weekend as the Cubs in the playoffs?

...

Only if they beat Missouruh teams.

Old School Zero

WELL PLAYED

...

What are things rarely heard when describing Chicago teams in October?

King Hippo

BearDOWN! FOAR MIDTERMS!!!!!!!!!

Sill Bimmons

no fucking way that just happened

entropy

Did Wilson just slide into his own blocker?

Smuckers

Holy shit skins! I’m sorry, but i am not used to this!

...

Loogit those there Bears trying to win and shit.

Bloody Lethal

Atlanta has been the epitome of useless today.

nomonkeyfun

Since when have the wimminz been allowed to use the nucular football? It’s gotta be that time of the month amiright?

/MRAed

John Difool

WOW ONT in Mylanta….errr, I mean Atlanta.

Old School Zero

MORE OVERTIME FOR THE BUFFALO WING GODS

King Hippo

Wow, these shit games all got awesome at once.

Sill Bimmons

haha falcons

Glorious Chairman Dan

CAPTAIN CLUTCH

Moonbatting Average

Did Eddy Lacy get hurt or something?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
nomonkeyfun

And old people complain about twerking?

Spanky Datass

Pick six time Cousins, you know you want to.

/needs cover

Bloody Lethal

I’ll be damned if I didn’t want the same thing.

entropy

I’m smelling a time here in Cincinnati.

entropy

A tie, that is. What the fuck, iPad?

Spanky Datass

Skyline will do that to a body.

ThePirateSloth

I have no words. Words fail me. #firedarrellbevell

entropy

Jesus, Seattle. Just give the game away.

Bloody Lethal

Yes please do.

ThePirateSloth

Bevell will call 2 runs, leave the Seahawks in 3rd and 7-9. Fail the conversion, Bengals kick a F .

Redshirt

I could have sworn the Bengals would’ve missed it.

Sill Bimmons

come on c-hox

Sill Bimmons

fucking hate you c-hox

Old School Zero

Devonta > Joshua

Sill Bimmons

Devonta must not be a Philistine.