Eli and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Game

Based on the story by Judith Viorst

I went to the game chewing gum, and now there’s gum in my helmet and the locker room at Lincoln Financial smells funny and I accidentally put my jersey on backwards and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad game

During warmups, Odell got red Gatorade, and Rashad got blue Gatorade and I was stuck with orange Gatorade. I hate orange Gatorade. I think I’ll go play for the Australian Football League

In the first quarter I threw a short pass to Reuben and a short pass to Larry and a short pass to Will and even a short pass to Odell, for a TD. I wanted to throw a long pass, I said I was getting scrunched, and if I didn’t get more room I would throw an interceptions and no one even said anything. I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad game.

On the next drive, coach didn’t like my idea for a play that looked like a puppy when drawn out, and he said I wasn’t saying Omaha enough like my brother, and then I missed my receiver and threw and interception. Who needs receivers? It was absolutely going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad game.

I could tell because Ben McAdoo said I wasn’t his best friend anymore. The Eagles got a TD, and Ben said Odell was his best friend, followed by Rashad, and then me. I hope your snack cup explodes, Ben! And all your best players move to Australia!

During the second quarter I threw a pick-six, and the Eagles defense people were mean to me and Rashad dropped the ball and I kept going 3 and out. Coach said no juice boxes during half time. It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad game.

In the third quarter I was sacked, and fumbled, and called for intentional grounding. Also, I saw myself on the big screen and my helmet looked stupid, but they won’t let me put on racing stripes. They say we can wear the home uniforms next week, but next week I’ll be in the AFL

The only snack on the sidelines were sunflower seeds. I hate sunflower seeds. The Eagles fans kept calling me names, and the Eagles defender men pushed me in the dirt and they’re all a bunch of meany heads. I tried to throw a pass, but it went all wonky and they wouldn’t let Ereck catch the ball and we lost. It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad game.

Coach says some games are like that. Even in the AFL

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Doktor Zymm
An expert at time travel*, Doktor Zymm also has the ability to move objects with her mind** and can breath underwater***. *Forward only, at a preset rate **Via her hands, usually ***When the water is contained in a glass
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WhyEaglesWhy

“We’re good, thanks.”

– The AFL

Brick Meathook
ballsofsteelandfury

This was glorious! On many many levels.

entropy

Quick aside:

As some of you (or probably most, by now) know, I draw shit. Sometimes it’s good. Sometimes it’s not. But I do need to make special mention for a piece of equipment I recently purchased that is AMAZING:

an 11×17″ scanner. Most scanners are in your standard letter (or A4) format, 8.5×11, and that makes for a hellish time scanning anything larger. This thing is awesome. If you have anyone artistic in your life, who still does hand-made artwork that is scanable, do them a favor and get them a large-format scanner. They will love you forever.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m gonna post an open thread for the evening; give me a minute here.

entropy

Nature girl:

comment image

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I have to say I am a big fan of the last 3 you posted. Nice work.

entropy

You’re doing the Lord’s work your own self, sir.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Kate Upton because I am refusing to watch live TV so I have an hour to waste.

http://bouncebreak.com/gif/bounce/blonde-bra-bounce.gif

entropy

I’ll see your Upton and raise you an Eve:
http://ilarge.lisimg.com/image/1847389/968full-alice-eve.jpg

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

She seems nice

theeWeeBabySeamus

Send him to Hawthorn or Collingwood. Please don’t end up in Geelong.

/covers eyes, knowing he’ll end up in Geelong.

ballsofsteelandfury

Considering Geelong is getting all the players it wants in the free agency period…

entropy

Dirt Jets/small Bears on in one hour…. Not to trash this thread, but this warrants mentioning.

entropy

I watched the game at a local dive that is a Yankees/Giants bar. Most seasons, those two fandoms a collide to make me feel like Orphanbot, staring in at what others have and just wishing for my slice of the pie. Last night, even though I hate the goddamn Eagles, I enjoyed seeing Bad Eli come out to play.

I’m gonna send this to my Giants fan friends, they need this kind of thing.

Why Thank You Eddie

A Yankees/Giants bar? Godsakes it probably looks like the Mos Eisley bar from Star Wars.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

:Yeah in no way do Yankees/Giants fans look as human as the puppets in the Mos Eisley bar.

entropy

That’s the fucked part…. outside of sports, it’s the most fun bar in town. For a shithole dive bar, there are always women there, the drinks are reasonable, and they have a great selection of beer and bar food. It’s uncanny.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I have had this song stuck in my head for 2 days now. I blame Rikki because I only posted it to make a sarcastic remark to him

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1188GO4p1E

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I make that comment then immediately turn it on 5 times in a row

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

At this point I might be up above 20. Just have nothing else to do right now. Should I start spamming naked ladies like this is a liveblog to pass the time?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Giant head in teh sky approves.

Lothar of the Hill People

This probably isn’t the best place to post this, because holy shit it’s a funny post and I’m gonna be a bit of a downer.

But I’ve had a pretty rough day (long story involving a death threat), and when I come here and read the funny shit you people come up with, I feel a little bit better.

Some beer will help, too, but the laughs help more.

Thanks, everyone.

King Hippo

Tell the asswipe that you have lots of imaginary, less than mentally stable imaginary friends. And that we drink/do drugs quite a lot. Just try and provoke us. Chuh chuh.

entropy

Isn’t that the best part of drinking and doing lots of drugs? That we don’t *need* provocation?

Big Black Richard

Seriously, if we’re getting up a posse to go after someone threatening Lothar, I’m ready to ride on that futhermucker.

WEST COAST REPRESENNNNNNNNNT!!

King Hippo

HOLY SHIT, that was fucking great.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Between the liveblog and this post, I feel like the Giants-Eagles game has been the canvas upon which Dr. Zymm’s has painted her Mona Lisa.

King Hippo

It’s like she hath stared into the shitstorm and seen its very naked soul.

Lothar of the Hill People

Yeah, she was on fire last night. I got up early and looked at the comments and kept going back, back, back, because she was so good, good, good.

Bloody Lethal

I am going to reiterate that my close friend/roommate/Jets fan brought his girlfriend into my home following the first drive of the Giants game and I knew we were fucked. First off, this is bad form for many reasons including it being a girl and I like to fart and curse and I hate watching football with chicks. They stink and I hate em. Second off, she’s got a terrible record with meaningful sporting events like our roller hockey men’s league championship that we were 0-3 in when she was in attendance. 0-3! And we won all the other games. What’s the etiquette here? How do I break it to him that she’s not allowed near my sports?

blaxabbath

Tell him to spend that time landing some anal.

entropy

This is why I have a GF that likes football. She is also OK with my cursing, drinking, and random outbursts. The farting, well, not so much, but she knew what she was getting into here.

Lothar of the Hill People

My 5 year-old is in kindergarten, and made best friends with a girl down the street. Yesterday, getting off the bus, she tells me the girl doesn’t want to be friends with her anymore.

Today when she got off the bus, I asked her if she and her (former) friend had made up. She says, “a little, but we’re still not friends anymore.”

Then 30 seconds later, my daughter tells me the girl will be her friend again if my daughter goes to her house to play after school today.

This is what I imagine Eli is like in the locker room on a daily basis.