Dysfunction and Mediocrity : A Redskins Bye Week Update

Doktor Zymm

Doktor Zymm

An expert at time travel*, Doktor Zymm also has the ability to move objects with her mind** and can breath underwater***.

*Forward only, at a preset rate
**Via her hands, usually
***When the water is contained in a glass

Doktor Zymm

The Redskins are currently 3-4, and second place in the NFC East. I’m going to repeat that last bit in larger font, in case it was too absurd to sink in

The NFL team located in Landover, MD is 2nd in the NFC East.

The Skins are pretty much where I thought they would be in the preseason, it’s just the hilarious catastrophe that is the NFC East putting them in much better position than they deserve to be. Anyway, in case you didn’t watch any Redskins games this year, I’ve put together a visualization of their two division games. The orange line is the 9/24 21-32 loss against the Giants. The blue line is the 10/04 20-23 win against the Eagles. It’s set up in such a way that the top of the chart represents the opponents end zone, and the bottom represents the home end zone. As such, offensive drives are (hopefully, though with Cousins you can never be sure) lines going upwards, and defense is the downward lines. Mousing over will give a brief summary of the play. The game reads from left to right, the axis is time remaining

Take a peek at the third quarter, between the 30:00 and 15:00. Look towards the bottom of the chart, notice all the activity down there. Look towards the top of the chart. Notice the barren emptiness. This is the dreaded THIRD QUARTER, nemesis of the Washington Redskins. I suspect Chubby Gruden doesn’t quite understand the concept of half time adjustments. The idea is to adjust to the play of the opposing team, not to switch which side you dress on.

An artists representation of the Redskins third quarter offense

There was a brief exception to the shitty third quarter rule just last week, when Kirk Cousins led the Skins to the largest comeback victory in franchise history. Again, I feel the need to repeat that in larger type, as it’s a highly improbable sentence which is, somehow, the actual thing that is true and happened.

Kirk Cousins led the largest comeback in franchise history.

So, about that. I’m still of the opinion that Chubby G went out of his way to destroy RG3 because he would rather have a mediocre QB whose style fit his system than actually have to figure out how to use a different sort of talent. (This also explains why he won’t use the damn run game more.) And that’s what he got. He’s inconsistent, hopefully improving, and not a guy I want to stick around and become a franchise QB. Take a look at the chart again. That orange line. For the first three quarters of the game, every offensive play with significant yardage is a punt. Then, when the game is already lost, there’s a sudden burst of competence, with a long drive ending in a missed 4-1, then another long drive ending with a TD and 2 pt conversion. He was better in the Eagles game, but his competent stretches are always liberally peppered with interceptions and boringness. It’s also worth noting that his performance in no way correlates to the performance of the O-line, which is just plain odd. The O-line has been half missing due to injury the past couple weeks (We miss you Kory and Trent!) and the competent bits still show up. A good thing? IDFK.

Kirk Cousins uses the bathroom with this sign

The defense is actually better than expected, there are some satisfyingly short opponent drives on that chart. Kerrigan was injured in the Buccs game, Keenan Robinson, Jason Hatcher, Stephen Paea also injured, along with the entire secondary, as far as I can tell. Other injuries of note : Desean Jackson’s hamstring apparently ran away and there has been no response to the fliers asking for it to come home. Chris Thompson, and less serious, Matt Jones, put a bit of a strain on the RB by committee that Chubbs used to great effect against the Rams, then promptly forgot about. Overall, lots of injuries, hopefully healing up well during the bye.


The Redskins are fulfilling their preseason promise of being slightly better than they were last year. The second half of their schedule is a bit more difficult than the first half, but with lots of the NFL and the NFC East in particular being shittier than usual this year, there are still some winnable games in there. I’m actually going to upgrade my pre-season prediction from 5-11 to 6-10!

Doktor Zymm
Doktor Zymm
An expert at time travel*, Doktor Zymm also has the ability to move objects with her mind** and can breath underwater***. *Forward only, at a preset rate **Via her hands, usually ***When the water is contained in a glass
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blaxabbathMoose -The End Is Well NighSenor Weaseloballsofsteelandfuryscotchnaut Recent comment authors
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Just coming across this now.

Makes me want to see WAS in the playoffs. With a 6-10 record.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I was able to fix the window pain after looking at the graph. The glass needed cutting to size.

My dick was just that hard.

Great job on the rest too.

Senor Weaselo

Matt Jones. Who? Matt Jones. Who? Matt Jones.


The Dok doth rok.

/very edutaining!

Old School Zero

An actually competent infographic on a sports site? Holy shit. We’re coming to run fivethirtyeight’s jewels!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Senor Weaselo

Well that’s what happens when you give the good Doktor a chance to use the statistics.

/Seriously good work

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

The Subway with the Discarded RGIII Cutout will have to change the sign above their bathroom.

Don T

Loved the chart. Never seen that before.
DC could be tricky if DeSean comes back. Counterpoint: ’14 Browns with Josh Gordon.


Yeah, that chat is awesome. Great visualization!

King Hippo

AHHHHHH!!! Honkified Alfonseca hand!!!!!


This post was well-crafted, well-reasoned, entertaining, and not racist.

Where do you get off calling yourself a [*Redacteds] fan?

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

Lessee here, there were no racial slurs thrown around, so it can’t be a Patriots fan writing it.

There don’t seem to be any bitter tears of frustration staining the screen, so it wasn’t a Browns fan writing it.

Wait, how do you tell a Patriots fan’s casual racism from a Washington fan’s acceptance and embracing of an ethnic slur?

(Not that Herr Doktor is a typical slur-embracing Washington fan, of course…)

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

That graph made me drunk again.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

How is that the only comment on this? Love the article

King Hippo

The Deadskins should be ashamed at their level of play, given the love and care this detailed statistical analysis has shown. Perhaps they will beat teh Dallas now?


I was told there would be no math.