A fearless and moral inventory

Old School Zero
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(As the sun comes up, a gathering of lost souls is happening in Nearby Church Basement, Anywhere, USA)

Todd: I’d like to thank everyone for coming out this morning. We’ll begin, as we always do, with the Serenity Prayer.

All: (said in unison)


Grant me the serenity, to accept the injuries I cannot change

The courage to play the stars I have,

And the wisdom to use the waiver wire.

Todd: Thank you. I’ll be your guest speaker for this morning, so I guess I can tell you a little about myself. Heh, I suppose I should stick to the format. Hi, my name is Todd, and I am a terrible Fantasy Football team manager.

All: Hi Todd.

Todd: By the grace of Goodell and the Program, it’s been over two years since my last terrible Fantasy Football decision. See, for all you new people–and there look to be a lot of you today–I was once in those same depths. I drafted Peyton Hillis a year after he was even relevant, and didn’t have any good back up when he got injured. I believed in Derek Anderson based on two good throws. Don’t get me started about my rationalizations around CJ Spiller. And… yes, it’s true… I drafted Trent Richardson in the first round, and started him all season. No more, though! I’ve been working this program and I’ve been honest with myself about my abilities and limitations, and today I can tell you that it does get better. I now start Devonta Freeman and I no longer go full homer during drafts. I’m free of the stress and the sadness that comes with being in that downward spiral. And you can get there, too. Now, let’s hear from some of you. Any first timers out there that want to speak?

Bob: Hi, my name’s Bob, and I’m a terrible Fantasy Football team manager.

All: Hi Bob.

Bob: I… it’s been one day since my last terrible Fantasy Football decision. (Many present nod at those words) I left… I left Drew Brees on my bench. (There are murmurs of agreement and sympathy) I mean, I started Alex Smith and he exceeded his projections but–

Todd: It’s okay, Bob. No need to rationalize or try to make up for it here. There are no judgements. In fact, I bet you’re not alone here. Any of the rest of you now only have one day because of Brees? (95% percent of the room raise their hands) Just as I thought. Anyone have any non-Brees issues they’d like to talk about?

Pete: I listened to Rotoworld.

Todd: That’s not so bad.

Pete: No, no. I only listened to Rotoworld.

Todd: May Rog have mercy on you. We’ll need to get you started up on the steps again, so you can get to Step 3: Make a decision to turn our decision making over to a power greater than ourselves, without paying any extra fees, and often cross-checking its wisdom across as many data points as possible. How about we take a coffee break? Looks like we have a sponsor for today’s coffee and doughnuts… they were provided by… uh… damn it. Draft Kings dot com.

(The room empties in chaos)


Old School Zero
Old School Zero
Ex-Chargers fan in Portland. Sorry about your carpet.
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Moose -The End Is Well NighballsofsteelandfuryLow Commander of the Super SoldiersRikki-Tikki-DeadlyOld School Zero Recent comment authors
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I misread that as “Bees” and thought you were talking about the Steelers defense.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Just like real bees, the Steelers were lost when the Queen Bee went down.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
King Hippo

I rightly benched Aaron Rodgers! I feel so smart!!!

Ruh roh, I also left Derek Carr on the bench and picked up/started Bridgewater instead. 15 points beats 0.2, but 48 would have been much fucking better.

/still would have lost, my opponent did NOT bench Breesus Christ

monty this seems strange to me


I’ll see you at next week’s meeting.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

These doughnuts you speak of, are they real or symbolic?