Meanwhile, WhyEaglesWhy had a pretty Even Steven week with two wins, two losses, and one PUSH! King Hippo similarly picked two winners and two losers. Unfortunately, the stakes on one of the losers was higher, so it ended up being a losing week. Meanwhile, DTZM continues to show the wisdom of the movie Wargames as he was able to pull off the perfect week of not losing any money by not betting.
It’s a new week! On to the picks!
Balls of Steel
I did manage to get the Vikings game right, so that made me feel a little better. This week, I really like the Raiders against my Steelers. Call this your classic homer jinx bet. If I win the bet, I win money, if I don’t, my team wins. Win-win. I even have a chance to have my cake and eat it too. I will take the Raiders plus the 4 at Heinz. Stakes: $22 to win $20.
WhyEaglesWhy
I am back in the fabled catbird seat after having a perfectly mediocre week. If that’s not American, I don’t know what is.
Falcons -7 over 49ERS – I usually like to take underdogs, and almost never take favorites with a line this high, but…c’mon. It’s the Flow. Stakes: $11 to win $10.
Giants -2.5 over BUCCANEERS – Another favorite, you say? Well, the Giants scored 49 points last week, and Jameis ain’t no Drew Brees. So yes. Stakes: $11 to win $10.
Bears +4 over CHARGERS – The Chargers are DUNZO. (Sorry, OSZ.) Besides having no fans, no home field advantage, and no hope, their best receiver just went on IR. Stakes: $11 to win $10.
DTZM
I know, I know, I took a couple of weeks off. But I have an excuse! I wanted to make sure that I had enough money to get through the rest of the season. So, we have two new starting QB’s this week in similar situations, so let’s pick those games this week.
Falcons -7 over 49ERS – With the return of Mizzou star Blaine Gabbert to the ranks of starting NFL quarterbacks, it’s time for the return of my favorite rule: ALWAYS BET AGAINST BLAINE GABBERT. He’s as sure of a thing as you can imagine, and has been biding his time, waiting in the shadows for his chance to really look bad on an awful team. Throw in Vernon Davis leaving, Carlos Hyde’s injury, and the general shittiness of the 9ers, and they’d lose to any team in the league this week. Stakes: $11 to win $10
CINCINNATI -11.5 over Cleveland – This could be one of the most entertaining clusterfucks in recent memory. A Thursday night game, with the return of Johnny Football on national TV in the BATTLE FOR OHIO???????? This is a week where either JFF has a ridiculous game and the Browns pull off a miracle, or he throws 14 picks, fumbles 4 times, and they lose by 7 million points. Since the latter seems blindingly obvious, I’m going Bengals in a laugher. Stakes: $11 to win $10
King Hippo
SIGH. I suck no matter what angle I use. So I’m just gonna go with whatever instantly comes to mind.
Raiders +4 over STEELERS. Hey, you lose at home to Cincinnati (looking like poop in the process), you lose all credibiliy with me. These are, at best, equal teams (I think Oakland is better, perhaps significantly so), and the line is giving the Yinzers a full extra point. Yes, please!! Bet $11 to win $10. NOTE: I was willing to bet $22 with the extra half-point. SCREW YOU, Vegas!!
Browns +11.5 over BENGALS. Just too many points. Hold your fucking nose and take JOHNNY FUCKING FOOTBALL to keep this ugly fucking game somewhat close. Bet $11 to win $10.
COWBOYS +2.5 over Eagles. Finally, a home team for my all-dog slate. No NFC East team should get too far away from the pack, in the positive or negative direction. CasselVANIA breaks his Texas win-column cherry. Christine Michael becomes the first lady to score a rushing TD in a regular season NFL fixture. Bet $11 to win $10.
Name Balls of Steel Initial Bankroll: 200
| Pick # | Favorite | Underdog | Line | Wager | Winner? | Winnings | Bankroll Balance |
| 1 | San Diego |
Detroit | 3 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 210.00 |
| 2 | Minnesota | San Francisco | 2.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 199.00 |
| 3 | Tennessee | Cleveland | 1 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 188.00 |
| 4 | Philadelphia | Dallas | 5.5 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 198.00 |
| 5 | NY Jets | Philly | 2.5 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 208.00 |
| 6 | Indianapolis | Tennessee | 3 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 218.00 |
| 7 | Oakland | Chicago | 3 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 207.00 |
| 8 | Buffalo | Tennessee | 2.5 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 217.00 |
| 9 | Kansas City | Chicago | 9 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 227.00 |
| 10 | Green Bay | St. Louis | 9 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 216.00 |
| 11 | St. Louis | Cleveland | 5.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 205.00 |
| 12 | Arizona | Baltimore | 7.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 194.00 |
| 13 | New England | Miami | 8 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 183.00 |
| 14 | Kansas City | Detroit | 5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 172.00 |
| 15 | Minnesota | Chicago | 1.5 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 182.00 |
| 16 | Pittsburgh | Oakland | 4 | 22 | -22.00 | 160.00 |
Name WhyEaglesWhy Initial Bankroll: 200
| Pick # | Favorite | Underdog | Line | Wager | Winner? | Winnings | Bankroll Balance |
| 1 | Denver | Baltimore | 4.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 189.00 |
| 2 | Houston | Kansas City | 1 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 199.00 |
| 3 | Carolina | Houston | 3 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 188.00 |
| 4 | NY Giants | Atlanta | 3 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 198.00 |
| 5 | Philadelphia | Dallas | 5.5 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 208.00 |
| 6 | Cleveland | Oakland | 3.5 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 218.00 |
| 7 | Miami | Buffalo | 3 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 228.00 |
| 8 | Oakland | Chicago | 3 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 217.00 |
| 9 | Philadelphia | New Orleans | 4.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 206.00 |
| 10 | Arizona | Detroit | 2.5 | 22 | Y | 20.00 | 226.00 |
| 11 | Houston | Indianapolis | 1 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 236.00 |
| 12 | New England | Indianapolis | 7.5 | 22 | N | -22.00 | 214.00 |
| 13 | Philadelphia | NY Giants | 4.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 203.00 |
| 14 | St. Louis | Cleveland | 5.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 192.00 |
| 15 | Miami | Houston | 4 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 202.00 |
| 16 | Washington | Tampa Bay | 3 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 191.00 |
| 17 | Kansas City | Detroit | 5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 180.00 |
| 18 | Minnesota | Chicago | 1.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 169.00 |
| 19 | New Orleans | NY Giants | 3 | 11 | Push | 0 | 169.00 |
| 20 | Pittsburgh | Cincinnati | PK | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 179.00 |
| 21 | Baltimore | San Diego | 3.5 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 189.00 |
| 22 | Atlanta | San Francisco | 7 | 11 | -11.00 | 178.00 | |
| 23 | New York Giants | Tampa Bay | 2.5 | 11 | -11.00 | 167.00 | |
| 24 | San Diego | Chicago | 4 | 11 | -11.00 | 156.00 |
Name King Hippo Initial Bankroll: 200
| Pick # | Favorite | Underdog | Line | Wager | Winner? | Winnings | Bankroll Balance |
| 1 | Green Bay | Chicago | 7 | 22 | N | -22.00 | 178.00 |
| 2 | Cincinnati | Oakland | 3 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 167.00 |
| 3 | New England | Buffalo | 1 | 55 | Y | 50.00 | 217.00 |
| 4 | New England | Jacksonville | 13.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 206.00 |
| 5 | Seattle | Chicago | 14.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 195.00 |
| 6 | Oakland | Chicago | 3 | 55 | N | -55.00 | 140.00 |
| 7 | Atlanta | Washington | 7 | 22 | Y | 20.00 | 160.00 |
| 8 | Tampa Bay | Jacksonville | 3 | 22 | N | -22.00 | 138.00 |
| 9 | Denver | Oakland | 4.5 | 33 | N | -33.00 | 105.00 |
| 10 | New England | Indianapolis | 7.5 | 44 | N | -44.00 | 61.00 |
| 11 | Atlanta | New Orleans | 3.5 | 33 | Y | 30.00 | 91.00 |
| 12 | Seattle | Carolina | 7 | 22 | Y | 20.00 | 111.00 |
| 13 | Carolina | Philadelphia | 3 | 33 | Y | 30.00 | 141.00 |
| 14 | Houston | Tennessee | 3 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 130.00 |
| 15 | Seattle | Dallas | 6 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 140.00 |
| 16 | Atlanta | Tampa Bay | 7 | 11 | Y | 10.00 | 150.00 |
| 17 | Kansas City | Detroit | 5 | 22 | N | -22.00 | 128.00 |
| 18 | Pittsburgh | Oakland | 4 | 11 | -11.00 | 117.00 | |
| 19 | Cincinnati | Cleveland | 11.5 | 11 | -11.00 | 106.00 | |
| 20 | Philadelphia | Dallas | 2.5 | 11 | -11.00 | 95.00 | |
Name Darkest Timeline Zack Morris Initial Bankroll: 200
| Pick # | Favorite | Underdog | Line | Wager | Winner? | Winnings | Bankroll Balance |
| 1 | Seattle | St. Louis | 4.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 189.00 |
| 2 | Denver | Baltimore | 4.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 178.00 |
| 3 | Baltimore | Oakland | 5.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 167.00 |
| 4 | New Orleans | Tampa | 5.5 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 156.00 |
| 5 | Indianapolis | Jacksonville | 9 | 22 | Y | 20.00 | 176.00 |
| 6 | Oakland | Chicago | 3 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 165.00 |
| 7 | Cincinnati | Kansas City | 5.5 | 55 | N | -55 | 110.00 |
| 8 | Buffalo | NY Giants | 4.5 | 22 | Y | 20 | 130.00 |
| 9 | Kansas City | Chicago | 9 | 11 | N | -11.00 | 119.00 |
| 10 | Cincinnati | Seattle | 3 | 11 | PUSH | 0 | 119.00 |
| 11 | Seattle | Carolina | 7 | 11 | Y | 10 | 129.00 |
| 12 | Arizona | Pittsburgh | 3 | 11 | Y | 10 | 139.00 |
| 13 | Atlanta | San Francisco | 7 | 11 | -11.00 | 128.00 | |
| 14 | Cincinnati | Cleveland | 11.5 | 11 | -11.00 | 117.00 |
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Wow, you guys are… what’s the opposite of good?
Hey balls – my bad, but I only updated the text and not the table. Decided only to bet $11 on the Raiders when line shifted and took Jags bet off the board due to BloodSugarFitzMagic.
That made me doubly sad, I had picked the Jags D off waivers in my money league and was totes gonna start them. Had no others on my bench so I would have no safety net. Sigh, waived them for Cowboys yesterday.
No worries, I’ll fix it. Thanks!
Fixed!
I came here to beg you guys to start betting against the Chargers. Thankfully, WhyEaglesWhy allows me to keep my dignity wholly intact.
/Puts on powder blue Danny Woodhead jersey and chugs a Sculpin at 9am
As a Bears fan, I just can’t bring myself to do it. I believe my betting on them will lead to worse things for my team.
This is why I’m waiting until next week to start betting on the Chargers.
BYE +7 over Chargers
The Chargers offensive line will not be able to block Rivers’ children from mauling him to death with Bibles.
“You queers need to up your wagers.”
-Elderly woman on a fixed income
I’m going all-in at some point in the not-distant future.