Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 11)

HRTN Pulp Cover

The scene: 30,000 years BC, more or less. Marc Trestmans Windowless Van is curled up on the floor of the hut, clutching his bag of weed tightly. Covalent Blonde is attempting to wrestle it away as Horatio Cornblower and OSZ try to reason with him.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: No way, man! This is my last bag of weed!

Covalent Blonde: I swear, Marc, if you don’t give me that bag I’m gonna…

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: No! Who knows when I’m going to find more, man?

OSZ: Marc, be reasonable. This is our best chance to get away.

Stoner Savage looks in from outside the hut’s door.

Stoner Savage: Gooma mok! Puk-puk!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: No way, man! I’d rather get eaten by some gnarly god than lose my buzz, man!

OSZ: Marc, this is the only way. Your stoner bud told us that his tribe has this bonfire every night…

Covalent Blonde (still trying to pull the bag of weed away): And he’s gonna dump your stash in the fire to get the whole tribe baked and give us a chance to get out of this place.

Stoner Savage: Muk!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: But it’s the only weed I have, man!

Horatio Cornblower: Marc…listen to me. “There is no greater love that a man hath for his friends, than to lay down his weed for them.” Do you know who said that, Marc?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (sniffing): No…

Horatio Cornblower: It was Woody Harrelson, Marc.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (still sniffing): Woody said that?

Horatio Cornblower: He did, Marc. He knew that some things are more important than weed. Especially your friends.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (looking at the bag of weed): O…okay, man. You guys are right.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van lets Covalent Blonde take the bag of weed. She hands it to the Stoner Savage.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Wait a sec, man.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van looks longingly at the bag of weed.

Cue music.

https://youtu.be/xa-y5RjL1vg

Cut to: A montage of scenes centered around Marc Trestmans Windowless Van and the bag of weed.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van on a merry-go-round, happily riding a unicorn. As he goes around he waves at the bag of weed, which is sitting on a bench nearby.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van at the movies with the bag of weed. He’s eating popcorn and laughing. The bag of weed has it’s own seat.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van strapping the bag of weed into a child’s car seat in his van.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van tucking the bag of weed in for the night.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (wiping away a tear): Just take it, man.

OSZ (putting a hand on Marc Trestmans Windowless Van’s shoulder): You’re doing the right thing, Marc.

Outside, the Stoner Savage surreptitiously dumps the bag of weed on the fire. He inhales deeply, and gets a goofy grin on his face.

Stoner Savage: Ahh…mooga aroonga!

Cut to: A few hours later. The tribe is sprawled around the fire, looking dazed & confused. A few of them are in a group singing…badly. Several are giggling at nothing in particular. One is sleeping peacefully, using Otto’s Brain as a pillow.

Otto’s Brain (in a stage whisper): Guys…hey, guys! I think we can get out of here now.

The DFOers creep quietly out of the hut. The few tribesmen who even notice them simply giggle or wave distractedly.

Horatio Cornblower: It worked! Let’s get out of here, people.

As the DFOers move towards the jungle beyond the village, OSZ stops and gently slips Otto’s Brain out from under the man using him as a pillow.

OSZ: Time to go, Otto.

Just as the DFOers reach the edge of the village, a figure comes blundering into the camp.

PK: There you guys are! Wow, I thought I’d lost you for good!

The other DFOers motion for PK to be quiet, but he’s pretty nebulous, and trots toward them.

PK (stepping on a dozing tribesman): It’s a real jungle out there!  Get it? I’m just happy I found you guys, though. This place is bigger than Fenway Park! Boy, I remember seeing the Red Sox play there back in ’92…it sure was hot that day!

The other tribesmen start to wake up as PK stumbles through them.

Angry Tribesman (rubbing eyes): Mugga…wugga?

Covalent Blonde (stage whispering to PK): Be quiet, you big bag of stupid!

PK: Or was it ’93? Gosh, the memory sure can play tricks on you!

Angry Tribesman (awake now): Muga tok! Kawanga!

The rest of the tribe wakes up, looking alert and angry.

Angry Tribesman (yelling and pointing at the DFOers): Abbag abbag yeh!

The whole tribe takes up the chant.

PK: Uh-oh…

Covalent Blonde: If we get through this, I’m gonna…

Suddenly a terrifying roar drowns out the chanting tribe. There’s a crashing sound and a huge figure emerges from the jungle.

Horatio Cornblower: Well, that’s not good…

To be continued…

 

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Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Tak-Mule; a tactical mule vehicle with recoiless rifle armament.

http://41.media.tumblr.com/e297776eb650f552695b5541cd5d5309/tumblr_nwvi9xwR6T1qzt40qo1_1280.jpg

Senor Weaselo

I’ll take 3.

Covalent Blonde

It is important to remember that I am prone to heinous acts of violence an rage. I mean, not Raiders-fan bad, but pretty bad.

Old School Zero

That was a great movie, for what it was.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

DO SOMETHING, KONGRESS!

entropy

No idea how I missed this a year ago, but this is very interesting news:

http://www.iflscience.com/physics/crystallized-light-reveals-potential

I dare you to read it and not think “lightsaber” immediately.

entropy

From Woody to Skid Row to Kong emerging from the jungle, this was fantastic.

Old School Zero

I hope this ends with a big village dance-off to the only music left in that van–a cassingle of Was (Not Was)’s “Walk The Dinosaur”

JerBear50

What up, Dog?

Enrico Pallazzo

Skid Row was a great addition but if you’re taking requests, how about some Britny Fox???

Senor Weaselo

How has Weird Science NOT been used yet?

Doktor Zymm

Cliffhanger!
Is this going to turn out to be a PK as Fay Wray situation?

montythisseemsstrangetome

PK as about three Fay Wrays.

laserguru

That’s a horrendous Photoshop waiting to happen.

Horatio Cornblower

I know I made that quote up in an effort to save us, (which PK then ruined. THANKS OBAMA!!!), but I’d bet my last dollar that Woody Harrelson actually has said that.

montythisseemsstrangetome

An inspired scene and montage. That sound you hear is a phone ringing to inform Beastmode Ate My Baby of his Academy Award nomination.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I actually think I’m going to appropriate that for the tagline.

King Hippo

The Gospel according to Woody!