Oh, we have seen some herp. And we have seen some derp. But Week Ten was chock full of some truly special stuff.
Start with the bestest. Elvis Dumervil. I can’t even. The Jaguras, without even enough time to run a spike play, barely get the snap off, and Bortles instantly falls flat on his ass. But lo, this is not university footy, so he may get up. Not that it would do him much good, except…Doom grabs his facemask, and grabs it good. 15 yard penalty, untimed down, 53 yard FG, Jaguras win and stay alive in the shit-tastic AFC South.
What discussion of derp is complete without a Nacho sighting? AND WE GOT ONE! Vintage form, too, as he throws a crucial interception to preserve the road win for the Dolphins. The Iggles are not good at this footbaw thing. NFC East, though. Good teams need not apply.
Speaking of not good…HAI DALLAS. Finding new and interesting ways to lose every week. The kicker even had the yips today! Rapey Jameis got in on the herp, dropping the ball as he was preparing to leap into the end zone for the go-ahead TD. But not to be out-derped…defensive holding on the Pokes, let’s have a do-over. Because Lovie is Lovie, he puts the ball in the idiot manchild’s hands again, but it works out. 10-6 Bucs. Dallas is 2-7, and of course, still totes in the hunt.
Looks like we have a new entrant in the “we ain’t even pretending to give a shit no more” club, and it’s the N’Awlins Saints. 47-14 losers at Washington. No, that’s not a drunken/pilled out typo.
The Giants get an awesome moral victory and beat the spread against the P*ts! Let’s not speak about that game any further. Or the inevitability of how the playoffs will end. Denial is a perfectly good defense mechanism. So is drinking.
No moral victories to be had in Mile High, I’m afraid. If PeyPey is headed to the glue factory, it’s a pretty lousy way to end a Hall of Fame career. 5 completitions, 4 picks against a piss-ant Chefs defense at home. The entire team was garbage today, from start to finish. I honestly have no idea what has happened since that lovely SNF ass-whipping of the Packers.
Not to say that the Packers have proven to be that fucking great themselves. Pretty derpy game by the Lions – TWO missed extra points gave the Packers a chance to tie late, then when they missed the two, Megatron dropped the onside kick! But for once, lady luck shone on Detroit, as Longwell badly shanked the 52-yarder that would have won it.
Welcome to sole possession of first place, Minnesota. Yeah, sounds weird to me too. Purple Jesus picked on somebody his own size this week, and the Raiders drop a home game they really couldn’t afford to lose.
The Ben comes on early for a hurt The Landry to slaughter The Factory. Looking pretty good for a Wild Card berth for the Yinzers, likely in the favorable “against the AFC South shithead” slot.
Great day for Cam Newton and the Panthers defense in a convincing 27-10 win over the Titans. The #1 overall seed in the NFC is starting to look like a fait accompli.
The Wally Pipp-ing of Matt Forte and the resurrection of the Chicago Bears continued, as Jeremy Langford and the Bears mauled the Rams in St. Louis. This will have no bearing on whether Jason Heyward re-ups with the Cardinals, so nobody in Missouri cares.
It’s time to complete the burial of the Seattle SeaTruthers. These fuckers are D-O-N-E, and I am fine typing this with 4 minutes left in the first half and going the hell to bed.
On behalf of everyone, but especially the good people of France…PLEASE stop being such a fucking dumpster of burning monkeyshit, universe.
http://36.media.tumblr.com/8d7a41a2f8c9a6d7482ea69f3b174752/tumblr_nrwqg10Wli1qzk2apo2_1280.jpg
The Donks; what? The defense played very well considering the Chef’s time of possession and starting field position due to the horrendous offensive showing.
The rest; keep on pluggin’.
The hit on Sanders was exactly the same as the hit on Hylton last week that was call PF “Hit on a defenseless receiver”; the differences were that Hylton lowered his head slightly before the hit and that they are watching the big bad Broncos more closely (go ahead and eye gouge all you want Pac Man).
I stick by my earlier statement of hating my parents. I walked boy dog to see girl dog and ran into my mom right as she left for a lunch meeting. She knew I was still drunkish and was dickish about it for 20 seconds til I admitted it, but she is dickish about everything.. First, why the fuck was she there. Second, I need to make a call to make it seem like I am not fucked up. Third, I did get to cuddle on the couch with both of them for an hour. Seems like an even trade off. Fourth, I left the TV on out of spite because I know she fucking hates it. Fifth, she is insanely OCD and my dog visit left dog fur everywhere on the first floor which I am not unhappy with.
Do you have anyone in your life that calls you 3 times, then calls the house you are in because a landline was free with cable and internet, then calls your roommate? That is my mom since I moved home and she keeps getting hurt doing stupid shit so she always needs me. My normal response is to help the first 600 times then tell them to fuck off. Way over my limit and don’t have the luxury of a fuck off
My favorite is she goes on a ski trip to France when she is begging people for money. Skies into a tree and breaks her hip. I had to do everything for her for months, she still took out the time to ask me why I don’t spend more time looking for a job. This one is a bike accident where she broke both hands and her knee. Still a dick to me, finally going in to get her hand fixed 6 months later. Got a scolding about how I suck yesterday while going to help her during football which is the one time I say leave me alone I won’t help you.
Oh, so the money thing. My great grandfather financed Walmart at its start, gave it all away over 100 mil to mostly animal foundations, Grandma made a shit ton on the market on her own before she had a stroke and other horrible things happen. I think she has 8 figures still. My mom pretends she isn’t from money but she still steals from her mom as grammy rots in a terrible home. I got $2000 in a fund for college from my great grandfather. That didn’t cover 1 semester of tuition
Hold up on an unemployed Rob Ryan terrorizing the seedy underbelly of New Orleans without regard for the NFL’s personal conduct policy, Sean Payton denies that Wolfman Rob has gotten the ax:
http://www.nfl.com/news/story/0ap3000000581405/article/sean-payton-says-rob-ryan-absolutely-still-his-dc
Like it’s Rob’s fault NO is a disaster.
Bowles needs to pick Wolfman up on waivers before the Jets/Bills rematch.
That would be entertaining, but I don’t know if the Jest Discretionary Fund has enough in it to cover Rob’s Hookers, Blow, and Hush Money needs.
Can someone give me a ride to the gas station, took my pups on a walk to my moms, laid in bed/couch after told to get fucked off and immediate leaving with both dogs watching an hour of Law and Order: CI. I still need cigs. I used to be the best fake sober driver so I think I can fake it unless someone is close to Appleton. I faked it on mushrooms. Still kinda drunk at 2 should be nothing. I left with only my dog, editing it seemed like a pain.
I’ve got a helicopter in East Troy. I’ll hop by after my next set.
-Stevie Ray
I made it there and back fine. But had the hiccups the whole time. I kicked over a glass after I was done. Still have the hiccups
John Oliver on daily fantasy:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mq785nJ0FXQ
I mentioned that earlier, and am so glad someone else watched it. My favorite part had to be the commercial at the end, specifically Katheryn Hahn’s bits. She was hilarious.
Off topic, but Ballast Point just sold out to Corona for 1 billion pesos, I mean, dollars.
http://fox5sandiego.com/2015/11/16/beer-giant-to-buy-ballast-point-brewing-for-1b/
We have a topic?
I always thought it was football and the never-ending pursuit for the removal of pants.
I’m always the last to find out about these things.
Technically, the company that imports Corona from Mexico.
If Cervecería Modelo or Cuauhtemoc was taking over, I’d feel a little better about it.
http://36.media.tumblr.com/09bfc464d7be82b939ae3a305edae7cb/tumblr_nscdp9NDaT1qzcyglo1_500.jpg
So; will they fuck up BP?
Hopefully they let them do what they are doing.
The Browns could have drafted THE BEN and instead got Kellen Winslow II.
So, you’re just TRYING to up the suicide rate in Cleveland at this point, right?
But he’s a FUCKING SOLDIER!!
http://i.imgur.com/DFrynaU.gif
Good to see that Barnwell landed on his feet at the main site over at TWWL.
One of the few NFL writers I can actually stand to read anymore.
Does he have a direct link (like he had at GL) so I don;t have to sift through the dreck?
Don’t know.
What is TWWL?
The
World
Wide
Leader
(TWWL+=ESPN)
I just wasted my time, didn’t I?
Well certainly inserted an unnecessary “plus” sign.
Holy shit I have been looking for this for a year plus now:
http://45.media.tumblr.com/85d637ea149a776ea975258e1d844cdd/tumblr_nxx67h4vrC1uf51wyo1_400.gif
I drew this as part of a short-lived webcomic I did back in 2000-2001, and it was then used by a local ISP for their ecard offerings. They stopped offering said ecards a few years ago and it has been hard as hell to find this thing (I colored it and made the GIF on their machines, and never got a good copy out of it. Lesson learned). It’s a shit scan and low-quality GIF, but I had a lot of fun drawing the original and may have to scan that in, even though it won’t be colored or animated.
I will be trying to read your thing, I will be looking for a hot asian woman closer to the woman that is closer to… I can go over there at 4. Nevermind
(to be read in Mark Renton’s voice)
We went to the Factory gates today and the fuckers were gone. No more suits. No more dogs. No more barbed wire. No more fucking Filth.
They were gone.
We all started fucking screaming, laughing, dancing around like Hearts just won the fucking Champions League.
THEY WERE FUCKING GONE.
“It’s fucking ours now, lads!” someone shouted, and no one has ever been more right about anything.
It was fucking OURS.
We set immediately to the graft–harvesting the plants, extracting that sweetest gum, baling the product, shipping it out as soon as fucking possible. Not only was everything ours now but we were tapping into a booming fucking market the likes of which hasn’t been seen in decades. Desperate people need it, and we desperately want to sell it to them.
So if you see a fellow Browns fan who is looking even the slightest bit happy, you can tell them where to go.
“Get yourself some fucking Sadness, mate. Best it’s been since the 80s.”
http://www.soompi.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/jun-ji-hyun.gif
My mom’s student is just has hot but with glasses. Just super hot.
Hockey has started! Hockey has started!
http://content2.beyondretro.com/blogs/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/skate.gif
What that country and western song? Ol’ Hockey Crotch, Ten see?
I went drinking with a friend of mine yesterday who owns a deli (the only decent thing PK ever did was mention it as, quite correctly, the best place for a sandwich in my town back when the Eagles used to hold their training camp here, even if he doesn’t understand the difference between “South Side” and “Downtown”), and at the end of the drinking day we went to the deli and made ourselves some damn good italian subs.
I mention this now not to brag, but because I am eating the second half of that sub and it even better now than it was when I was drunk, if such a thing is possible.
I want to steal the second half of that sub. Other things about me opinions on Onions might follow.
You can have the second half now, but it’s gonna be a little… processed… let’s say.
Ignore my previous msg
http://i.imgur.com/uHdwcVL.gif
My gym shorts that I covered in cologne yesterday to do yardwork smell like crotch again.
/ Things I only bring up to guys
// Sorry Zymm
Dude, what the fuck
I’m not sure you should bring that up to anyone.
You get the good with the bad
https://youtu.be/k_GxXRbSFDg
I grew up playing hockey. You can’t match my undesirably smell with all the dicks I have seen. Get drunk and shower at home like I do.
http://cdn.playbuzz.com/cdn/91c92e76-3153-4906-805c-aced30fec4b3/63983b11-b236-4335-a894-7e5c8e3b0aa1.gif
Obviously lied about watching LWT. One Kristen Bell I know is a repeat, then one more I think is not
http://dailygarlic.com/userImages/kristen-bell-gif-43574.gif
This is my Monday. This is always my Mondays. I will go softly into that good night.
NEVAR forget:
Looks like Wolfman Rob has lost his job.
http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2015/11/16/report-saints-firing-rob-ryan/
Wow, from the Things I Never Thought I’d Read Department:
“Yesterday, Kirk Cousins torched the Saints for four touchdowns with no interceptions. “
I’m still not entirely convinced that I haven’t just been hallucinating since yesterday morning. Though, if I am hallucinating, I hallucinated myself some damn fine chilaquiles for breakfast today.
Were you full after eating them? Because if not, yeah, you’re hallucinating.
But then maybe you were hallucinating being full, in which case, we’re right back to the original problem.
Fuck it, too metaphysical for a Monday. You’re probably actually experiencing reality, but it’s an odd one for sure.
I thought that link said “Saints fisting Rob Ryan” and I thought, woah, that’s one kinky family
You’re a poet and don’t even know it!
Ryan Longwell hasn’t played for Green Bay since 2005, and retired in 2013. Mason Crosby is the droid you’re looking for.
oops. What I get for not proofing myself.
That’s all right. I still think BJ Raji is Gilbert Brown.
The guy with the Triple Whopper campaign is back in town? I refuse to google if that is the guy because I make most mistakes when I edit. Free flowing asshole is how I choose to be
I like Taco Bell too, but there is only so much I can eat of it.
Well done, sir. Well done indeed.
You obviously have never been in Wisconsin, the Tripple Whopper is the healthy choice on menus here
I’ve been to Wisconsin, and yeah, the food options were… less than healthy, we’ll say.
Monday Morning Katy:
Here’s the life of a college teacher: I was up at 5 am, googling pictures of Taylor Swift to put in a Powerpoint for discussing the Paris attacks.
I have an irrational hatred of Taylor Swift. I will never forgive you.
Wow. No part of that sentence makes sense to me.
Heh.
The best way I can summarize is to say that I’m asking how governments can respond (to terrorist attacks), and/or how should they respond, when one of the main goals of terrorist attacks is to prompt a response. Thus, should governments just “shake it off” when it comes to terrorist attacks, or do they declare “bad blood” and strike back?
My students got a kick out of it when I said no matter what governments do, “terrorists gonna terror.”
I’m so glad I don’t have to try to relate to college age kids… I’d shoot myself over the sheer banality of their pop music.
That is an odd intercourse of ideas.
Moved on to Last Week tonight but you guys deserve a gif. Been like 5 min
http://img003.lazygirls.info/people/avatar/avatar_kristen_bell_lr73QpC.sized.gif
Every time I see this banner image, I have to watch an episode of Harvey Birdman. This is not a complaint, mind you, just a PSA.
I’m trying to think of a joke comparing the Paris concert shooters with Phillip Rivers spewing semen into his wife’s vagina.
It’s a horrible thing to joke about, really, but I can’t get it out of my head. I’m a horrible person.
It’s OK, Lothar. You’re home now. It’s safe to make as many horrible jokes as you’d like.
“The last time that much hot material filled the air, Mrs. Rivers got a pearl necklace and a kid thrown in to boot.”
I have an HBO Go account but can’t find a Time Warner link in the settings, fuck it, stealing it. Always easier.
Hey, did anyone watch last night’s Last Week with John Oliver? He takes on Daily Fantasy, and it amazing. The sheer amount of fuckery going on between FanDraft DuelKings is staggering.
That is actually what I will do now.
One more
I would like to go to there.
http://images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/31600000/-4-Morena-Baccarin-the-mentalist-31652548-500-150.gif
I went to an easy classic. This one might be new
http://i.imgur.com/16kFV.gif
New or not, it’s fantastic. Happy Monday, indeed.
Yum! For some reason I’m craving cantaloupe.
PeyPey – torn plantar fascia. AND THEY GODDAMNED LET HIM PLAY??
Fellow Donks, we are well and truly fucked.
Holy shit, what a crappy way to end a fantastic career. I don’t see him being effective, nor healing up enough to play this year. And I don’t think he has gas in the tank to come back next year.
He’ll end up playing another game on it, aggravating it, and saying “Fuck it, let Osweiler take the team”
The alternative is to do the Jason Taylor plan–multiple needles in the foot before each game. Fuck that.
It is a terrible way to end a career, but I do hope he hangs it up soon. I didn’t like Favre as a human being, but seeing him a Jets and then a fucking Viking jersey was just sad. I’d rather that sort of thing not happen to Peyton.
Maybe everyone in the NFL needs to listen to more Neil Young.
I really, truly can’t imagine him playing after this season. But been wrong before. Tis hard for the athlete to let go.
This is the image I have in my head whenever I think of Peyton this year.
http://media.cmgdigital.com/shared/img/photos/2013/10/14/1e/9b/yatittle.jpg
The year before he had the best season of his career. Highest rating, most TDs, one of his lowest INT rates, then it was all gone in one offseason. Getting old is a bitch, but it happens so fast, and so embarrassingly to athletes.
They will just run Brock and/or (gulp) Siemien (sp?) out there and hope they can back into 2 or 3 wins and somehow hold off the Raiders for the division (and stay a game ahead of the Humps for the 3 seed). Then maybe PeyPey can be healthy enough for the playoffs.
Isn’t Osweiler a decent backup?
Opinions vary in Donks-world. I am skeptical, but we shall see. He’s looked pretty poor when called upon in relief, but to be fair he’s never had a start where he’s had practice reps and a chance to prepare to play as the starter.
He was pretty bad in college.
He fucking sucked in relief yesterday. You should hope someone repairs Manningbot this week
He wasn’t bad coming in Sunday and should improve with more playing time and practice, the rest of the team is pretty talented so they should at least go .500. Dude has not started a regular season NFL game, so there is no way of knowing how good he can get. Without getting a gimmick offense and and a whole preseason to prepare it takes QBs game experience to learn the position. Everybody is so eager to proclaim greatness or permanent incompetence that there is no idea of learning and patience any more, which is fucking idiotic. Steve McNair is probably the last of the QBs that was trained and groomed for the position.
He is athletic and strong for a big dork, has descent pocket awareness and escapes much better than you’d think, has a strong arm and is reasonably accurate, down side is he’s a sub 60% CR, but so is Cam. We’ll see, there will be going pains at which time Hippo will say I TOLD YOU SO, and other times when he shows flashes of good that I will become overly optimistic, both of us will be wrong. My guess is that he will gradually improve until they loose patience and send him packing to a team where he will do well.
Let me get this straight, you’re gulping Siemen?
I’d feel bad for Peyton if he didn’t command, what, a third of the team’s salary cap?
Outstanding career, though. I’l always cherish his fighting through immobilizing sexual tension with Papa John to make coherent commercials.
http://cdn.rsvlts.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/Alison-Brie-GIF-07.gif
I have had a Kane winning lasts night game image stuck on my TV for hours now. I have let you know I am both a Chicago fan, hockey fan more than else, but this stupid image wants to make me punch Kane in the face at this point. Who the fuck puts on a hat for the post game interview?
That’s his “I’m not a raper” hat.
Everyone knows he is a raper and/or puncher of random cab owners. The hat fools no one. I lean more towards the cab puncher thing, not 100% on the raper
Was it a fedora? I always picture him in a fedora now.
I really should have taken an extra Zoloft this morning.
I would still be awake. Zoloft wouldn’t have helped
Ok, you get two gifs. I like the second one more but I assume you guys will like the first.
http://media1.giphy.com/media/Mh2FpXnWZ8mFG/giphy.gif
Also, if Juron Brown doesn’t pull down that Sherman tip-near-pick, the game is over right there.
The [*Redacted] s were clearly motivated by the dulcet tones of Lee Greenwood yesterday. Cuz I’m proud to be a Native American, where at least we’re charged $200 to park…
http://45.media.tumblr.com/8297539a52c4cb9ea6af20e1cd2bef17/tumblr_nrsipageTc1tdhimpo1_500.gif
The Giants did so many Giants things yesterday that I can’t begin to break them down.
They Giants away they game. The end
Like I said…denial and booze. Lather, rinse, repeat.
I felt I went too strong on the 10 am boobs already. Should I just lean into it?
Lothar, rinse, repeat?
I need to go edit the Wikipedia page for the work ‘clusterfuck’ so it just contains the NFC East standings.
Also, I assume the training intern just miswired Peyton’s neck or something. Maybe he needs a replacment capacitor. I’m sure he just needs a little soldering and he’ll be right back in it.
Intern was most likely Lopez from Red vs Blue. I am sure it was posted in Spanish and nobody could translate.
You know…Washington really could win that sad fucker after all. The “reward” would be hosting either Minny or GB, but still…WOO?
They rebuilt him using bits and pieces from a TRS-80, and then Radio Shack goes belly up. It’s no wonder he’s starting to fail.
I miss the days I worked 60 hours a week to barely afford my shitty apartment 5 hours away from my parents, at least then I wouldn’t have to pretend I wasn’t still drunk to someone or immediately answer calls from my mom for work or she will call both my dad and the land line to get me to show up
/I was high and getting drunk every second I was there for the record
My parents both have asked me if I would be able to live outside their reach. My brother is in the army trying to get to the middle east. Sister is doing the same with engineering. Just shitty parents but doing their best to be fall backs with their failure kid who moved back home
I should say my sister didn’t result to drugs, my brother went the other way and went to anything they didn’t monitor. He runs 10 miles a day and is a great leader so I shouldn’t say shit
I am sobered up in the last few hours so I will be more coherent than exdrunk 5 am me.. I can still be a dickbag to you if you want. Still hating on bad football and crappy TV so don’t expect better out of me.
Watching the highlights of the SNF game, I really appreciate that Ellington’s score to put the game away happened in front of the little scoreboard on the field (I don’t know what you call them — the ones that advertise at field level during soccer games) displaying Kam Chancellor.
All I can say is that I have abandoned all hope and/or faith in sports until spring.
At which time, when all of my baseballers begin to suck ass, I will abandon hope until late summer fall.
Midway thru which….I’ll push it back to winter….which I’ll again push back to spring before winter arrives.
WTNY….you are a fickle hoooor (obligatory Frank Reynolds pronunciation)
I forgive you Doom….I know you can’t help how stupid you are. You are but a systemic symptom, the problem goes far deeper. Pass me the bottle, Jesus….we’re starting early.
http://i51.tinypic.com/2j3o6rr.gif
anytime I feel hope creep in…I know it’s time to put away the pill bottle for the night.
Hee hee…well pass it my way, I could use teh mellowz. RG get’s sprung from the booby hatch today, and goes to his new home (bcuz kicked out of other one after his display of love and affection LMAO). Freestanding Alzheimer’s unit.
Can’t wait to see how long it takes him to get blackballed there. We’re running out of places. 😀
I wanted to punch M&T Bank Stadium yesterday. The rest of these home games will be a contest to see who can puke in their seats and not get kicked out. What a horrible fucking mess.
I was lucky enough to witness that Dumervil Derp.
This town has officially gone off the deep end, and I cannot begin to explain how entertaining it is.
Walking out of the stadium I heard a guy explain, in detail, how all the games were fixed to benefit Fan Duel and Draft Kings. I would have recorded it with my phone, but I was drunk.
Boobz. Wrong spelling or not that worked
I am stuck with fantasy people punching me in the dick like my second dog that thinks love is punching in the dick.
She is awesome other than that. The dick punch thing happens all the god dam time
As means of an update…I truly love morning coffee over RiveBrog of the games I am too sleepy/old to finish. Sounds like the officiating that I felt was kinda shitty early on only got worser and worser. But the right team won, at least.
Sadly, CJ2K’s deal with Satan seems to have run out. And with it my fantasy team’s chances of finishing anything other than 5-8. WOMP WOMP me.
You made an insult. I don’t care how stupid it is. Fucking stupid. I will reply
Officiating was bad. Even Pete Carroll gave the “I’m not allowed to comment on it” when asked about the refs. I didn’t see it against SEA’s favor much but I’m a little biased. At best, then, the entire crew was simply incompetent.
That is also because Pete Carroll doesn’t recognize the MSM as a legitimate source of news. He is waiting for the time when he can jump on Infowars to discuss the alien lizard Ref’s conspiring to keep good men of faith away from the Super Bowl because the Trilateral Commission owns the NFL in conjunction with Bohemian Grove… LOOKIT UP SHEEPLE!!!!