ANDREW CATALON: Good afternoon and welcome to exciting NFL action on CBS, home of Super Bowl 50! I’m a guy you haven’t heard of, flanked by a couple of former players with serious looks on their faces, underscoring the importance of this matchup between two middling teams that are neither in the playoff hunt nor bad enough to be in the running for the top draft pick. Both of my partners are named Steve!

So Steve, tell us what to expect in this matchup.

STEVE TASKER: Well, these two teams–

AC: Not you, other Steve.

STEVE BEU… STEVE BUE… STEVE BER… umm… STEVE B: These are two evenly matched teams, Andrew. I expect a physical game. Each team will try to establish the run early, so it can open up the passing game. And I wouldn’t be surprised if each coach has a trick play up his sleeve today, heh heh!

AC: Okay, let’s turn to my other partner Steve. What do we know about the home team? Are they still trying to find their identity?

STEVE TASKER: Remember that time I knocked the ball out of Leon Lett’s hand? That was like our Super Bowl!

SPERO DEDES: Okay, it’s time for kickoff. The Patriots have won the coin toss, AGAIN, for, like, the 90th consecutive time.

SOLOMON WILCOTS: Coach Belichick will defer to the second half.

IAN EAGLE: The pass is complete for 8 yards and a first down, and with that completion, yet another record of my broadcast partner Dan Fouts has been surpassed. Can we get an obligatory shot of Dan from the 1980s so we can chuckle at the beard?

IE: Ha ha, that beard.

DAN FOUTS: Why is your name pronounced Eye-an, instead of EE-an?

DARYL JOHNSTON: This game has been all about the play of the offensive line so far.

KENNY ALBERT: I have been rendered legally blind after looking at your sport coat for too long.

JIM NANTZ: And the Bears are going to punt on 4th and 1 from the opponent’s 37 yard line.

PHIL SIMMS: I agree with this move by Coach Fox, there’s too much time left in this game to take a risk and go for it on 4th down.

/Punt is returned for a touchdown.

KEVIN BURKHARDT: As we hit the 2:00 warning in the first half, we’ll step away for a commercial break.

KB: Back to action here, and the pass is complete in the end zone for a touchdown!!! We’ll be right back.

KB: And the kickoff goes out of the back of the end zone for a touchback. We’ll be right back.

KB: We have a timeout on the field.

/sigh

SAM ROSEN: And at halftime, the score is Jaguars 0, Rams -3. Let’s head down to our random hot brunette sideline reporter.

RANDOM HOT BRUNETTE: Coach, how would you describe your team’s first half performance?

COACH: With a very curt comment about “taking care of the football”, barely hiding my desire to not be bothered by having to talk to a sideline reporter on my way into the locker room.

RHB: Back to you, Sam, and your very circular face.

HALFTIME

ALL FIVE GUYS AT ONCE: /talking and laughing at unfunny jokes

GREG GUMBEL: We’re back for the start of the second half.

TRENT GREEN: Can I have some pudding?

TROY AIKMAN: Well, you’re absolutely right, Joe.

JOE BUCK: I didn’t say anything yet.

TA: Joe, the Dallas Cowboys and Tony Romo and the Dallas Cowboys, Dez Bryant, the Dallas Cowboys, the Dallas Cowboys, Jason Garrett, the Dallas Cowboys, Jerry Jones, Dallas Cowboys Cowboys Cowboys Cowboys Cowboys Cowboys Cowboys Cowboys Cowboys Cowboys Cowboys Cowboys.

CHRIS MYERS: Injury on the field, we’ll be back after the Fox low-key piano injury music.

KEVIN HARLAN: Looks like Lovie Smith is going to throw the challenge flag on this play. Let’s call in our NFL rules expert, former NFL referee Mike Carey. Mike, what do you see on this play?

MIKE CAREY: We have one foot down in bounds, one foot on the line, this call is going to stand as an incomplete pass.

JEFF TRIPLETTE: Touchdown Seahawks

THOM BRENNAMAN: Charles, let’s not forget to pander by mentioning the brave men and women of our armed forces who do such a brave job of bravely protecting our country so bravely. Brave.

CHARLES DAVIS: No one can quite put their finger on it, but everything I say seems to have an annoying smugness about it.

TB: Brave. Let’s go down to the field and see what Tony Siragusa has to say about the brave men and women of the brave armed forces. Goose?

TB: /speechless

 DAVID DIEHL: Guys, um, I think Dick Stockton is dead. Are you sure he’s not dead? I think he’s dead.

/Fox low-key piano injury music

TOM MCCARTHY: As this game draws to a close, did we get answers to any of the questions we had at the beginning of the game? Such as, did anyone know that we were an actual NFL television broadcast team?

ADAM ARCHULETA: I can’t believe I even have a job.

ANDREW CATALON: And the final score is 16-3, in a game that was every bit as exciting as that score would indicate. I kind of look like Karl Ravech. Steve, any final thoughts?

STEVE TASKER: Well–

AC: NOT YOU, OTHER STEVE!!!!  😡