Latest posts by makeitsnowondem (see all)
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- Oscars 2019 Preview: I Have Eaten The Polar Bears That Were In Your Ice Cap – February 23, 2019
A phone rings in a spacious, luxurious apartment in Trump Tower. A large, dead caterpillar perched atop a molding orange answers.
Trump: It’s Trump, bitch!
Brady: Uh, hey, Donald. It’s your friend, Tom.
Trump: Tom! Tom Hanks. So glad to hear from you. Loved Bridge of Spies. Loved it. Best Picture for sure. You’re the best.
Brady: It’s Tom Brady.
Trump: Tom Brady! You’re the best.
Brady: Wait, do you know Tom Hanks?
Trump: Of course I know Tom Hanks. I’m great friends with Tom Hanks. I know everybody. Everybody’s my friend, I’m great with people. People say I’m not good with people. I’m great with people. People don’t know how great I am with them. The blacks don’t know how great I am with them. The Muslims don’t know how great I am with them. Amazing.
Brady: Look, Donald, I have to talk to you about something. You’re doing great, I’m really happy with the way the campaign is going, but you have got to stop talking about me. I’m putting everyone off the best I can, but they keep asking me about you. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this under wraps if you don’t just… just chill.
Trump: Keep what under wraps, Tom? What are you talking about? Hold on… are you sure you’re not the Tom from Bridge of Spies? You sound more like that Tom.
Brady: No, I’m not the Tom from Bridge of Spies.
Trump: All right, Tom. Great. What are we keeping under wraps? I’m great at keeping things secret. The results of my birth certificate investigation? The most secret. No one will ever find out what they are, because I’m the best at confidentiality.
Brady: Sure, right. So there’s this guy who works for me. McNally. You remember McNally, from that ball deflation thing?
Trump: Of course I remember McNally. I’ve got a great memory. I never forget a face. I never forget a name. I never forget a congenital disability, except for that one time. Anyway. McNally. Didn’t you fire that loser? What did you call him, “Snake”? Ridiculous.
Trump: Bird. Yeah, Bird, like I said. Didn’t you fire that loser? Incompetent.
Brady: He was suspended. The NFL reinstated him. He’s not doing equipment anymore, but… well, he’s working on a side project for me.
Trump: What are you talking about, Tom? What side project?
Brady: I don’t want to say too much over the phone. Let’s just say he’s helping you out. And he’s gaining the weight back.
Trump: Oh, well that’s great, Tom. You’re the best. I appreciate the help.
Brady: You get what I’m saying, then.
Trump: Of course. I’m very sharp. I have a very high IQ. I don’t need you to spell it out for me. I get it. You’re a great friend, Tom.
Brady: You’ve got it? You sure?
Trump: Of course I get it. Do you get it? Do you need me to explain it to you? I’m very smart, Tom. I can explain it to you. I’m very good at explaining things. Everyone tells me I am. I make things very clear for people.
Brady: Yeah, Don, sure. Explain it to me.
Trump: He’s gaining the weight back. He’s getting heavier. He’s going to be big. Yuge.
Brady: No, I was trying to be subtle. I’m saying he’s been inflating something, if you–
Trump: I know about being subtle. I’m an expert negotiator. I make the best deals. I can be much, much more subtle than you can.
Brady: Donald, McNally has been inflating your poll numbers.
Trump: What? How would he do that? I don’t understand that, how would he do that?
Brady: I don’t ask about the details. Bird is really, really good at inflating and deflating things. That’s all I know. I figure if you can inflate balls, you can inflate polls, right?
Trump: Inflating my poll numbers? Ridiculous. My poll numbers are the best. I’m winning by a lot. They’re yuge. They don’t need to be inflated. Unnecessary.
Brady: They’re “yuge” because he’s inflating them.
Trump: That’s impossible. I’m winning. I win all the time. No one’s better at winning than I am.
Brady: Really? Do you have four Super Bowl rings?
Trump: I have a hundred Super Bowl rings.
Brady: Don, look–
Trump: I have more Super Bowl rings than everyone else put together. Just wait till I file my Super Bowl ring disclosure.
Brady: Don. Listen to me–
Trump: I invested a lot of them, though, so I can’t show them to you. I’m really rich.
Brady: You don’t have any Super Bowl rings. And your real support is at like 4%.
Brady: Donald? You still there, buddy?
Trump: You’re serious?
Brady: That’s what I’m trying to tell you.
Trump: This is a disaster.
Brady: Hey, come on. Look at all the winning you’ve done the last few months. You love winning, right? Think of all the winning you enjoyed because I helped you out. We can’t all win the Super Bowl every season. Even I can’t do that. Sometimes it’s just not your year. But that doesn’t mean that all the games, all the polls, that you cheated to win were meaningless. You and I, Don, we know we’ve got to savor every win, that every win matters, because what else in this crazy world is worth cheating for? Nothing, that’s what.
Trump: Tom, I’ve said things I can’t take back. Horrible things. Awful things. I’m great with the Mexicans and the Muslims, but I said things about the Mexicans and the Muslims and now no one knows how great I am with them. Awful things. I just kept saying more awful things because the more of them I said the more my poll numbers kept going up. Now everyone’s going to think badly of me. Also of all those people I said terrible, terrible things about, but mostly me.
Brady: Hey, don’t worry about that. That was all part of the plan.
Trump: Tom, I don’t understand. I don’t know why you would do that. I don’t know why you would want me to do that. Why would you do that? Unbelievable.
Brady: I support all my friends, Donald.
Trump: You call this support? This isn’t support.
Brady: Well, also, there’s the fact we might have to play the Broncos in the playoffs.
Trump: The Broncos? They’re not a good team. They’re a good team because they have a good defense. I like offense. They’re boring. They’re just terribly boring. They’re not strong. They don’t have the stamina to win a Super Bowl.
Brady: Yeah, and their right tackle’s Muslim. You made him real mad. Could be a key advantage for us.
Brady: Bill’s idea. Pretty good, right?
Trump: I can’t believe this. I’ve been very nice to you.
Brady: I know you have. You’re a very good friend.
Trump: You’re fired.
Brady: Nice try.
Trump: I should report you to the FEC. Backstabbing. Incredible.
Brady: They’d never believe you. What are they going to do? Confiscate my phone?
Trump: Tom, what’s that noise in the background? I can barely hear you, and I have great hearing. Perfect hearing.
Trump: You son of a bitch.
Brady: Anyway, keep up the good work. You know, winning and making America great again and all that.
Trump: Unbelievable. Unthinkable. Ridonkulous. The most ridonkulous. Incromulent.
Brady: You’ll be all right, buddy. Hey, I gotta go. I’ll catch up with you later.
Trump: Right. Later. Hey, Tom?
Trump: Tell Wes I loved him in Concussion. Great movie. The best. Best Picture winner, for sure. Incredible.
Brady: Sure thing, Donald.