Your “City of Charlotte Shuts Down For The Game And Nobody Notices” Open Thread

After watching Arizony blurp their way to victory yesterday I’m saying that the winner of this game is the NFC champ. It looks like RB Lynch is back on the field today. The usual fart-makers that must talk about things are wondering if he’ll be ‘ready’. Hmm, do you think that a Pro Bowl back with fresh legs might possibly be an upgrade over something called a, and I quote, “Christine Michael”? I do. Just looking at the both of these teams I must say, THERE’S A SHIT-TON OF TALENT HERE. DO YOU HEAR THAT JERRY REESE? IT CAN’T BE THAT HARD TO DRAFT WELL. [upends table that has nothing on it] Sorry. Where was I? Right. You’d think that mega-CB Norman would be matched up against WR Baldwin (he of the 13 TD’s in the last 9 games) but the former is a baby that only rarely plays the slot receiver. (don’t tell him I typed that) Speaking of tough assignments S Chancellor gets to be roasted on a spit with an apple in his mouth by TE Olsen. “Fat Chance” is great in run support but if Seattle wants to blitz he’s gonna be on an island that features quite a few balls whizzing overhead. CB Sherman does follow the opposing #1 WR all over the field and that spells bad news for Ted Ginn. Years from now when you hear the phrase “a rising tide lifts all shitty receivers to career years” you’ll think of the Ginner and have yourself a nice martini. (may apply to myself only). One guy that might be under your radar is Kawaan Short. The Seahawks have struggled against dominant DT’s (just like everyone else, duh) like Donald (Rams) and Atkins (Bengals) and short led the league at his position with 11 sacks and 16 tackles for a loss. The man tasked with going after QB Newton has sacked him 7 times in 4 games-OLB Irvin it’s time to do what you do. HAVE AT IT YOU RAPSCALLIONS!

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King Hippo

I mean, Cam Newton is Christian, too. He’s just not crazy enough to believe that God controls the outcome of fucking football games or that grown men in their mid-late 20s should be celibate.

blaxabbath

So he’s Aaron Hernandez Christian?

Dick E. Phuck

Is he christian? I thought he was built by the liberal Jews that control the media in order to destroy the shield and keep control? Think about it.

...

More like Seahawks genocide, amirite?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The Jews want more Muslims? WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?

blaxabbath

On the plus side, no one will rip on Carroll for the clock management at the end of the half.

BECAUSE HIS TEAM GOT BLOWN OUT OF THIS GAME BEFORE THE TWO MINUTE WARNING IN THE FIRST HALF!

makeitsnowondem

I think it’s really weird that Pete Carroll made a coaching error.

Old School Zero

What’s greater for PirateSloth, Beastmode, et al: the level of suffering or the degree of drunk?

Senor Weaselo

Yes.

ballsofsteelandfury

Drunkenness

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Tried to start drinking, but my lovely wife stopped me. Something about it not being noon yet.

Wimmens, amirite???

Old School Zero

DAMN THEIR SENSIBILITY AND CONCERNS FOR YOUR HEALTH!

John Difool

“So excited to see The X-Files returning to t.v., best reality show ever….”

-Pete Carroll

...

Because Michael Jordan is in the house:
comment image

Sharkbait

He definitely has money on this game.

blaxabbath

Lynch is going to be so awesome in Oakland next year.

evilbeaver8

Which will make it all the more of a shame that the Raiders will be in San Antonio.

...

It’s cute how terrified they are of losing their surrogate penises.

Sill Bimmons

Of all the stupid things they say, this is BY FAR the stupidest.

...

It’s one of those ideas where the longer you think about it, the more stupid you realize it is.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

So it’s safe to say that Rivera was the real genius behind the 05-06 Bears defense?

ballsofsteelandfury

Still time for another Charmception!

JustStopDude
Sharkbait

Is it bad I wanted them to fake the punt here?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Noop

blaxabbath

Good news is that ARI has an extra couple hours to game plan.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

WOOOO DEFENSIVE STOP!!!! GAME CHANGER WOOOOO

blaxabbath

:Next play:

“These guys are fired up but you gotta make sure you don’t run into the punter the way Sherman did there.”

indieguy

so panthers beat pats at the superbowl. whats pk gonna say?

Beastmode Ate My Baby

“Who forgot to pay off the refs?”

evilbeaver8

He’ll call on Congress to void the results of the game to protect the integrity of the game.

Dick E. Phuck

“Brett, you’re gonna make me cum.”

makeitsnowondem

I can see I’m the only one who still thinks Doug Baldwin’s self-assigned nicknames are hilarious.

JustStopDude
makeitsnowondem

holy shit

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Bortleback

So how early in the 3rd quarter will they put in horse balls and let Cam start taking selfies on the sideline?

King Hippo

He’s probably trying to fly in Mettenberger for the 4th quarter to join in the fun.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Senor Weaselo

Brr brr drr drrrr!

blaxabbath

Remember when the Rams beat SEA and the experts were like, “I SAID SEATTLE WAS RED HOT THEN AND LOSING TO A BAD TEAM DOESN’T CHANGE THAT!”?

Dick E. Phuck

This is easily Russell’s most charming game.

tundrajim

Fun fact: nobody knows Roman Harper’s true first name; they just chose to name him after the era he was born in.

Sill Bimmons

This is a commentary on his first game as a pro:

comment image?w=500&h=213

Kungjitsu

How Alex Smith was that throw?

Sill Bimmons

More Alex Jones than Alex Smith AMIRITE

blackroseMD1

I’m pretty sure that this is what watching a snuff film feels like.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

of Donald Trump? OK, maybe not that good, but good.

Doktor Zymm

Maybe Carolina can beat the 73-0 NFL record for biggest blowout!

King Hippo

The Redacteds own that one, right?

/I was a sports almanac NERRRRRDDDDD as a young’un

Doktor Zymm

They lost it actually, the Bears won it. 1940.

King Hippo

DAMN YOU DRUGS AND OLD AGE BLURRING EVERYTHING TOGETHER

Doktor Zymm

Nah, you can’t be blamed for forgetting that the Bears could score points at some time in history. It’s not logical.

Doktor Zymm

The Skins did win the highest combined scoring game of all time, 72-41 over the Giants in 1966.

King Hippo

They should rerun THAT on NFLN sometime. Good teevee

theeWeeBabySeamus

SHUT UP NERDS!!!!!

Doktor Zymm

I would totally watch that.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Seattle’s Plane is already warmed up and on tarmac…
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view3/1309475/plane-crash-2-o.gif

JustStopDude
makeitsnowondem

Tough, Doug

Beastmode Ate My Baby

OK, spotted CAR 31 points…time to turn on the jets.

/pointless optimism

Sill Bimmons

Oh well…

ThePirateSloth

I’ll let you have the optimism.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Sorry man, but I’m enjoying this. Mainly because of the truther and the god whisperer.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Also the Broncos sooperbowl losses come to mind.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Jeebus just likes Cam better.

makeitsnowondem

Actually, Troy [vomits into Troy’s lap]

Senor Weaselo

GO FOR IT YOU’RE ALREADY DOWN 31.

blaxabbath

Remember when SEA signed Fred Jackson and people were like “WHHAAAAATTTT?”

bourb0nblues

Maybe he can play QB?

makeitsnowondem

Seahawks are only getting beaten this badly because Russell Okung went out and because they were getting beaten really badly when Russell Okung went out.

Romonobyl

You know what this game is lacking? FISH THROWING!!!! We can’t watch a Seattle game without fish throwing.

Sharkbait

What about ducks? Wilson’s already thrown a couple of those.

makeitsnowondem

I’M TRYING

— Russell Wilson

Sill Bimmons

No fish in Charlotte.

TOBACKY THROWIN WOO

King Hippo

Naw, CLT has always been banker assholes. Winston-Salem and Durham are the ‘baccy towns. And the despair lands Down East.

JustStopDude
Sill Bimmons

Short game.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Afternoon fellow Kommentists. I just got on break and WHAT THE SERIOUS FUCK!?!?

Sill Bimmons

It’s been glorious.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

How did this happen?

Sill Bimmons

Lots of good Panthers and bad C-Hox.

Doktor Zymm

Turns out Carolina is really good and Wilson kinda blows. Also the Legion of Boom is totally out of boom.

blaxabbath

If the NFL wants to keep selling ad space for my viewership, this game better start racking up the head injuries.

makeitsnowondem

I can only imagine how angry Angry Doug must be right now.

JustStopDude
Sill Bimmons

Why won’t his heart explode?

Doktor Zymm

POP LOCKETT AND DROP IT

Sill Bimmons

Yeah, Troy, but what Russell Wilson thinks about this game is no longer relevant.

blaxabbath

“Russell Wilson doesn’t believe this game is over.”

Maybe you should take a look the track record of his beliefs.

John Difool

I haven’t seen Hox Schadenfreude this good since they made a Superbowl music video three games into the season and then went 8-8.

Sill Bimmons

SB XL.

They STILL won’t shut up about it.

...

Nearly as bad as baseball Cardinals fans still bitching about the 1985 World Series.

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