OH HAI! I Tommy, I play foots ball! So excitement!

Pretty wife put put out clothes, better change! OOO, SLIPPERS YAY!

Now I ready to take bus to stadium, say hai to coach! To TEAM! TO GRONK!

Wheels on bus go round and round, psi goes down and down, down and down!

WAIT, STOP! STOP BUS! LOOOOOOK! PETTING ZOOOOOOOOO!

Yay pets! PETS PETS PETS! But better get to stadium, or coach will yell. I hate it when coach yell. Make Tommy feel bad and have sad.

Here we are, at Jill-at! Coach says I go see Alex Gur-arrow first. OH HAI ALEX! You’re the best. What’s that? Alex say I get ice cream treat if he can give Tommy a shot! ICE CREAM! ICE CREAM! ICE CREAM!

Owwie, the shot hurt! A little! But now head feeling funny. Uh oh, coach says time to get to work! Better stretch with team!

Boy, whatever Alex gave me really has me thinking much more coherently. I can feel it lighting up my mind like a pinball table, and, boy, do I like pinball! Oh, that’s right, it’s coming back to me now–thanks to advances in medical science and whatever secret agreements Coach Belichick and Mr. Kraft made with the Koch Brothers, I always get a shot of a temporary medicine before a game that transforms me from my usual complete idiot self off the field and into one of the most advanced and intelligent athletes in the world today. Wow, this feels so much better; I feel all ready for the game now.

Coach Belichick says we need to exploit the weak part of their secondary and the aggressive nature of their linebackers today, and I wholly agree. It shouldn’t take much to put someone over the top to split the focus of that one DB, and then have either Gronk challenge the LB directly or have one of our many tiny white receivers go into the empty space should the LB charge for a blitz. You know, I wonder if Gronk gets the same shot as I do, as he always seems to know where to be and how to push off without the ref noticing. He probably gets in their faces like I do to try to sway their tendencies during the games. Actually, scratch that, he likely sends them the tawdry pictures he receives from admirers during the week in order to get on their favor. Okay, here we go, I have about ten seconds to make forty adjustments at the line, no problem… and… hike!

EXCELLENT! A wonderful first down from Edelman. Let’s keep this thing going, as their line is really no match for our cadre of sentient man bots engineered from IBM’s Watson and the DNA of Matt light in Ernie Adams’ laboratory. Okay, here we go… and… TOUCHDOWN! WOO! EXCELLENCE IN EXECUTION, AM I CORRECT, MY MAGNIFICENT TEAMMATES?

They never seem to want to celebrate with me when I use my full intelligence. It makes no sense; I don’t know why they can’t seem to stand me when I’m suddenly their vast superior in both athleticism and intelligence due to an unknown substance. LET’S DO THIS! GO DEFENSIVE UNIT! CEASE THEIR SCORING MOMENTUM!

/hours later, after a victorious game

Ahh, what a trouncing–it’s like the other team didn’t realize they’d be up against androids, players injected with untraceable enhancements, communication systems that would fail on them, standard equipment altered to tilt the odds in our favor, pacts with demonic forces, and vague threats against their families by powerful and connected individuals! Pity for them, I say, but huzzah to us, the victors, who have won the day fairly and squarely according to the Patriot Way! CELEBRATIONS, MY DEAR FELLOWS!

No? Still no? Okay, then.

Uh oh. I can feel the brain serum starting its decline. It is a good thing I only have to deal with the press now, and Coach tells me they don’t know the difference if I talk like idiot me, since he trained me to only give bland platitudes anyway.

WE PLAYED WELL!

CREDIT TO MY OFFENSIVE LINE!

GRONK WAS GREAT!

WE’RE JUST GOING TO TAKE THIS ONE GAME AT A TIME!

WE ALWAYS RESPECT OUR OPPONENTS AND EVERY GAME IS A TOUGH GAME!

THANKS!

Game was fun! I throw ball and THE GRONK go WOOOOOOOOSH and we win! Pretty wife will get me more ice cream! YAYYYYYYYYY!

I WIN! TOMMY IS BEST! TOMMY IS GREATEST!

HIGH FIVE!