They’ll start handing out the awards in an hour or so, and I still have a personal Best Picture to anoint. But before I do, let’s take a moment to remember that Straight Outta Compton was not nominated, and neither was Beasts of No Nation, and neither was The Danish Girl, and neither was Carol. Beasts of No Nation‘s Cary Fukunaga was not nominated for Best Director, or for Best Adapted Screenplay. Creed‘s Ryan Coogler was not nominated for Best Director. Carol‘s Todd Haynes was not nominated for Best Director. Tangerine was not nominated for anything.
The actual contenders, if you need a refresher, are:
Tooth-grindingly infuriating educomedy The Big Short
Highly competent historical drama Bridge of Spies
Homesickness simulator Brooklyn
Impeccably crafted excuse for reviewers to say “two-hour car chase” Mad Max: Fury Road
Ensemble nerd orgy The Martian
Torture porn/scenery porn/filmmaking porn/bear porn The Revenant
Shed escapeproofing tutorial Room
Boston Globe highlight reel Spotlight
And the Academy Award for Best Picture goes to…
Will Win/Should Win: Carol. You probably all saw this coming, as I’ve made no secret of the fact that I think Carol’s a first-rate work of art…
Carol‘s Not Nominated: Go fuck yourself.
No, I’m Serious, Pick A Real Nominee: God dammit. You’re the worst. Fine.
Will Win: Spotlight. I’m having a hard time with the idea of the Academy voters giving this prize to The Revenant, a beautiful and powerful movie that (EDIT: I can’t remember how I was going to complete this thought. Spotlight was good though!)
Should Win: Mad Max: Fury Road. This wasn’t an easy choice; in the last few days I’ve been going back and forth between this, Spotlight, and The Big Short. But in the end, I think we’ll all still be talking about Mad Max long after all the admittedly excellent films also nominated for Best Picture have passed entirely out of our cultural consciousness.
Upset Special: Room would be a big surprise here, but I can’t completely rule it out the way I can Brooklyn and Bridge of Spies.
So that’s that, then. I’ll leave links at the bottom to all my previous posts in case anyone wants to look back at them. Enjoy the show!
Costumes/Makeup & Hair | Sound Editing/Sound Mixing/Visual Effects | Film Editing/Production Design | Original Song/Original Score | Best Actor/Best Supporting Actor | Adapted Screenplay/Original Screenplay | Best Actress/Best Supporting Actress | Short Films | Documentary Feature/Animated Picture | Cinematography/Director | Foreign Language Film
Let’s be Blunt.
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Trump is like the Jordan-era Bulls. You can’t stop him, you can only hope to contain him.
Oh, goodie. The mainstream political media is retconning the obviousness of the housing bubble to attack Trump. I wonder if they’ll drag down, oh …. EVERYONE UP TO AND INCLUDING THE PRESIDENT AND FED CHAIR.
Hell no.
This is a weird aside and it only comes up because I thought about it again reading twitter (bad idea #1) and thinking about a bunch of dumb shit I read on reddit yesterday (bad idea #2), but has anyone who bitches about participation trophies ever actually done anything to earn a participation trophy? Because kids have been getting those things since I was a kid in the 80s, and I would bet it probably started in the late 70s or early 80s. But anyway, what is so bad about these things? I think I got one back in like 1986 or 87, and you know why? To commemorate participation in a joint activity with a bunch of other people. Why is it so bad to acknowledge that someone engaged in an activity alongside their competitors and probably their teammates, and that regardless of the outcome they have a token to share as a reminder. I’m not a sentimental person. I don’t collect things. I don’t decorate my home. I don’t have physical photos of any of my family and the only photos I do have of my family are four photos of my late mother and some photos of my brother in the four times we’ve seen each other since 2006. But my point is that these whining dickheads are probably the same leeches who can’t wait to grab free swag and who decorate their own space with reminders of all of their trivial and irrelevant participation (And, really, this describes the entire purpose of and how 90% of social media is actually used) in shit. Stop shitting on kids’ being able to be kids and collect their own pile of useless life memorabilia.
These same mouth-breathers bitch about kindergarten or preschool graduations like it’s not actually to determine that the kids actually learned something and everyone didn’t just wait a year of their lives.
Yeah, nothing off about Matt Damon being strapped to Ben Affleck. Nothing at all….
How the Hell is anyone taking BvS seriously?
Comix are srs bizness, don’t you know. Everytime I see the trailer on TV, I can’t help but wonder why they couldn’t turn on a damn light and I wonder when they bang. Wonder Woman makes a cameo at the end to make it a threeway, thus it not being gay, right? (Not that there’s anything wrong with that)
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I just watched the second half of TWD while eating pizza. How does this show keep escalating the intensity without cracking?
By not having enough killing?!
That makes sense. Even the most violent, battle-filled episodes I’ve seen aren’t like GoT-level battles. And that makes sense from a budget perspective, but also I guess it seems to keep the tension relatable because when something worse comes along it still only affects a small band of survivors.
On the other hand, though, the whole band of TWD reminds me of the “murderous hobos” joke my friend would make in describing the typical D&D player group. They seem to leave nothing but destruction in their wake.
Good night guys, and thanks for watching with me. I’ll post a quick postmortem of my predictions tomorrow.
Terrific jorb, my friend. Thanks for your work on a pretty shitty weekend for our community.
Thinking I’ll have a toast for Porky.
I’m with you on that.
I echo those sentiments. Well done sir.
Crosses off the checklist.
Thanks for making this more fun than it should have been. Night, all.
Agreed. Later.
Good night all. Crackerfest ’16 was a jewel!
I have to admit. I really, really wanted to move to L.A. and work with my brother as the legal/business side guy to his creative work. Because at the very least, the office view would be awesome.
The real Best Picture winner: DTZM for getting imgur to finally embed.
I’m still waiting for the Rudy Ray Moore Lifetime Achievement Award
+ Dolomite
What, The Fat Boys weren’t available?
Nope. Two are dead. Or maybe all three. Can’t remember.
I guess Young MC had better shit to do.
Too many Miami yacht parties for techbros.
Oscars closing to Public Enemy because their sound guy’s black friend is his iTunes playlist.
15/24. Not terrible.
Are they really closing the show to “Fight the Power?” Do they think this counts as black people?
It’s like George W. Bush having “Fortunate Son” on his iPod.
Or AC Green having “I Touch Myself”
I’m not sure what was more talky tonight – the Oscars or The Walking Dead?
I don’t get TWD, but at least what I’ve seen was way better than Fear TWD, which is entirely comprised of characters who deserve to die.
Oh lordy, I can tell already they’re going to make us suffer multiple slow shows with talks of trading crops for protection only for Negan and violence to show up at the finale in like 6 weeks.
Public Enemy! Fuck yeah!
Ron Paul was listed as a producer. There’s your problem right there.
I love all the people on Twitter referring to it as “The Room” instead of “Room” because English is fucking weird.
IT’S TEARING ME APART
Darren Sharper’s in his cell thinking he should have gotten a tiger costume.
What the fuck? Chris Rock is holding a Thin Mints box and handing out Trefoils!
“Not the first time a Brownie’s handed out cookies”
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Catholic Church gonna take that acceptance speech to heart, and double down on “Girls Scouts are all whores.”
Morgan Freeman holding the card to show people he didn’t just Jack Palance the announcement.
“I’m now organizing a program at the San Diego Zoo for longtime non-Oscar winners to be sodomized by animal so they can an award. Cranston gets the rhino.”
I literally don’t know what most of these movies are
Makeitsnow right again. Seriously, who did you chloroform at PWC?
Spotlight wins the Oscar for Best Picture! Way to come from behind! Which coincidentally is pretty much what Spotlight is about.
Good night everyone!
Banner quote
YEAH BATMAN MONTOUR HIGH SCHOOL REPRESENT
C’mon meteor!
Come on Fury Road
Oh, come on. Roadside handjobs aren’t that expensive.
The indigenous people of the World…. So, all of us?
Anyone who has ever written “first” in a comment section?
Does that mean who can round them up and abandon them on reservations?
Oh sweet Jesus the red state reaction to this speech is going to be fucking priceless.
THE TAEKS, THEIR A-COMIN’.
DAM LIBTARD DEECAPRIO STOP MAKING THIS BOUT A THEEORY #TCOT #CRUZCRUZ #REELMURICKA #CHIRSTIANCONSERVATIVE
Finally Leo wins. I bet Alan Thicke and Kirk Cameron are so proud.
Tom Hardy, a man so recognizable that I thought it was Jeremy Renner in that mask until I actually watched the movie.
Tom Hardy’s great and all but I need to know a lot more about the woman sitting next to him.
Heisenberg should just walk up and put two in the back of his head
Congrats on the Oscar Leo; comes with a trip to Belieze.
Well, there goes all our jokes.
Make a bear rape joke Leo. You know you want to.
“I mean usually you have to go to West Hollywood if you want a bear to take you from behind, am I right?!!?!”
Aaron Rodgers is RIGHT THERE! Do it!
Great, the Susan Lucci jokes can fucking end.
Boooooooooooooooooo
Settles that, I guess.
Apparently you can’t hate Dalton Trumbo for being a combo but you can hate him for being a shitty parent. Good to know.
To the person asking if they’ve thawed Nicholson’s corpse yet, they also have to thaw the 24 year old he’s tit-fucking first.
That’d be me. And god bless him for it.
For the love of god, Give Walter the Oscar
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Who makes the first rape joke on Twitter if Leo loses?
Not Darren Sharper
He said joke, not who’d make the first actual rape.
Song about banging an old chick, “Julian Moore, everybody!”
Is she older than 25? Then fuck her.