Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 26)

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986.Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio.He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Beastmode Ate My Baby

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The scene: The basement of the creepy house where the Angry Girl Scout dwells. JJ Fozz, Lord Revisile, Rikki-Tikki-Deadly and Ballsofsteelandfury are chained to the wall while the Angry Girl Scout busies herself by drawing a pentagram and a variety of arcane symbols on the floor.

JJ Fozz: Look, kid…

Angry Girl Scout: I’m not a kid.

JJ Fozz: Fine. Hey…creepy girl who looks like a kid…

Angry Girl Scout: You know, you really have a way of getting under my skin.

JJ Fozz: It’s that special way I have with people.

Angry Girl Scout: I can appreciate that, actually. Most people suck.

JJ Fozz: Tell me about it! They drive too slow in the left lane, they wander through the grocery store without a clue, they can’t make up their minds at the bar…you’re at a bar, dumbass, order alcohol!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: Look, sometimes I want a beer, and sometimes I want something stronger.

JJ Fozz: A lemon drop martini might be stronger than a beer, but you still look like a dumbass holding one.

Lord Revisisle: Little girl…you should really let us go. We have friends…people who’ll miss us…

Angry Girl Scout: Like who?

Ballsofsteelandfury: Well…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: Doktor Zymm?

JJ Fozz: She’d miss her prize collection of beakers more than us.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: Marc Trestmans Windowless Van?

Lord Revisile: He’d have to come down out of his haze long enough to remember who we are.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: Scotchnaut?

Angry Girl Scout: HA!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: Excuse me?

Angry Girl Scout: You heard me! He’s not your friend! He’s not anyone’s friend!

Lord Revisisle: I think we hit a nerve.

Angry Girl Scout: You losers wanna know why I hate you so much?

Ballsofsteelandfury: Not if it’s going to make you more upset…

Angry Girl Scout (ignoring Ballsofsteelandfury): It was a long, long time ago…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: In a galaxy far away?

Angry Girl Scout (glaring): Don’t make me get the hot pincers.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (gulping): Sorry. Please do go on.

Angry Girl Scout: As I was saying…it was a long, long time ago…

Cut to: A flashback of a very young Scotchnaut on the playground with young WCS and an infant Old Scool Zero. Scotchnaut and WCS are playing cards while OSZ makes mud pies.

Li’l Scotchnaut: This is boring.

Li’l WCS: You said it! I hate being a kid.

Baby OSZ (patting the mud): Gah!

Li’l Scotchnaut: We can’t drink, we can’t go to the movies we wanna go to…

Li’l WCS: The ones with boobs!

Li’l Scotchnaut: You know what we should do?

Baby OSZ (holding up a handful of mud): Wan’ pie?

Li’l Scotchnaut (ignoring OSZ): We should form a gang…like…like…

Li’l WCS: Like the Greasers?

Li’l Scotchnaut: No, I mean a tough gang. Like the Warriors.

Li’l WCS: Aw, I ain’t seen that one.

Li’l Scotchnaut: Well…me neither, but I saw the movie poster!

Baby OSZ (his face is all muddy now): Pie gone.

As the boys make their plan, a girl in a scout uniform approaches. She looks exactly like the Angry Girl Scout, but less angry and more perky.

Perky Girl Scout: Hey, guys! What’cha doin’?

Li’l WCS: We’re forming a gang.

Li’l Scotchnaut: Hey! That’s a secret, WCS!

Baby OSZ (making another mud pie): Une tarte au chocolat!

Perky Girl Scout: A gang? Like the Greasers? Hey, I wanna join!

Li’l Scotchnaut: No, not like the Greasers! That’s just dumb! An’ besides, yer a girl.

Perky Girl Scout: So?

Li’l Scotchnaut: Well, girls can’t be inna gang. Everyone knows that!

Perky Girl Scout: That’s stupid! Girls can too be in a gang!

Li’l Scotchnaut: Can not!

Perky Girl Scout: Can too!

Li’l Scotchnaut: Well, it’s my gang an’ I say you can’t! C’mon, guys!

Li’l Scotchnaut gets up and leaves. Li’l WCS shrugs and grabs Baby OSZ’s hand and follows.

Baby OSZ (burping and waving): Bye-bye!

Perky Girl Scout (alone now, and looking angry): So, I’m not good enough, huh? Well, I’ll show ’em! Someday I’m gonna show ’em all!

Cut to: The present day, where the Angry Girl Scout is drawing the last of the arcane symbols on the floor.

Angry Girl Scout: So, on that day I swore vengeance on Scotchnaut, and vowed to destroy anything he created.

JJ Fozz: That still doesn’t explain why you’re…you know…a kid.

Angry Girl Scout: Oh, that. Well, you know, when you pledge your soul to the dark powers, immortality is one of the fringe benefits.

Lord Revisisle: Really? That’s kind of nice…

Angry Girl Scout: Of course, I have to keep the dark powers fed. Which is where you guys come in.

JJ Fozz: Uh-oh.

Ballsofsteelandfury: I do not like the sound of this.

Angry Girl Scout (chanting): Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cookiethulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.

As the room gets dim, an eerie glow forms in the pentagram. A shape begins to take form, wrapped in supernatural mist.

Angry Girl Scout (repeating the chant): Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cookiethulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!

From inside the mist a guttural voice answers.

Cookiethulhu: Me…want…COOKIES!!!

To be continued…


Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
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Beastmode Ate My BabyTeddy's Bridge Over Troubled WaterOld School ZeroJerBear50Senor Weaselo Recent comment authors
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Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water
Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

Man, I’m almost disappointed that Angry Girl Scout has a sympathetic backstory now. After working with the Scouts for at least 5-6 years now, I’ve grown to… strongly dislike them. They’ve been unbearable the entire time and act surprised when they actually have to pay for the art they have commissioned. They think they deserve to have everything donated to them because they’re the Girl Scouts.

Moral of the story: I hope Cookiethulu gives that bitch what she deserves.

Senor Weaselo

This leads to Bleergh vs. Cookiethulu dance-off, doesn’t it… HAIL BLEERGH!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I think you got JJFozz spot on.
No, it’s called a Baltimore neck tie.


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C is for Cthookie, that’s good enough for me…

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Nicely done as always. Although I think you meant “Pre School Zero”

Old School Zero



[DFO] is gonna need a wiki page so I can start following all this stuff because I just cannot keep up.


Time to come clean…

I was in a gang in fourth grade. Keep in mind, this elementary school was an all boys, Catholic, military school. I shit you not.

It was the Charlie’s Angels Club – we worshiped the Angels. I got busted with a pack of Charlie’s Angels trading cards by The Man – actually it was my mom. My dad confiscated that stash, probably still has them today.

In the CAC, we did some bad shit, like being mean to other kids and ganging up on nerds during dodgeball games, and I remember one of us throwing an apple at another table during lunch.

One day, we went too far and the gang was broken up Sister Ruth. I remember her saying we should consider to be like other groups. She specifically mentioned the Lion’s Club.

Anyway, I’m still a CAC lifer. Always will be. (Jaclyn Smith was my favorite Angel.)


“I was in a gang in fourth grade.”

As if we didn’t already know Fozz was from Charm City.


Catholic military school. Yikes. Was this your uniform?
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We looked like miniature mailmen. Had rank, medals, the whole thing. They also had NCOs and officers from the Army and Marines as advisers – those guys were super fucking cool and taught us the filthiest marching cadences ever.

Here is one that I still remember to this day:

Up jumped a monkey from a coconut grove
Mean motherfucker you could tell by his clothes
Black jumpsuit and a black beret, he was a paratrooper all the way
Lined 100 girls up against a wall, bet a $100 he could fuck them all
Fucked 98 and his balls turned blue
Then he backed off, whacked off, and fucked the other two

monty this seems strange to me


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The amount of shit I took for wearing that uniform and going to that school was unbelievable.

I used to beg my parents to send me to the local parish school. In hindsight, I may have been mocked but at least Father Roman Hands didn’t get me.


Let’s do that again. Said the priest to the altar boy.



“Here is just a sample of some of the low expectations Catholicism found on social media.”

Oh, eat a dick.


Where did that quote come from?


By a coincidence of sorts, I’m on the fourth season of The Wire. I do not believe any of the characters are representative of young jjfozz.


… for legal reasons.


JJ Kenard

Horatio Cornblower



Thin mints steal a piece of your soul every time you eat them. #samoas4lyfe

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Seeeeee that’s just frustrating. You say something True and Right, but then you tarnish it with your Coconut Cult craziness. Samoas are fine, but in the Cookie Wars they are Hungary- aligned against all that is good and true, but without street cred of the Hugo Boss-designed uniforms

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

After you guys have your little girl scout cookie civil war, I am going to oppress you so hard with my pants-autocracy.


Tagalogs first. Samoas second.

I will defend this with my blade and my gun. (The blade is a broken bourbon bottle, the gun is a slingshot.)

Old School Zero

Un tarte au chocolate. Un tarte au chocolate. Un tarte au chocolate.

So funny.

Horatio Cornblower

For God’s sake wipe that mud off your mouth and speak ‘murikan.

monty this seems strange to me

So, young perky girl scout is Isabella from Phineas and Ferb?

Doktor Zymm

It’s a shame, this whole kerfluffle could have been avoided if Scotchnaut had just snuck into more R rated movies as a kid. Then he would know that girls can TOTALLY be in gangs.


What movie is this from?

Doktor Zymm

Switchblade Sisters. A fine example of the 70’s cheesy exploitation flick.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Tits and short-shorts…..PERFECT.

Doktor Zymm

Cookiethulhu is my new favorite horrible monster of all time!


Also, Baby OSZ is freakin’ adorable, and I usually think babies are gross.


Cookiethulhu is a stroke of genius! I’m glad I’m still alive.

/finger gunz


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