In the Grim, Dark Off-season…

…there is only conflict. Upon the blasted-out ruins of a forgotten peninsula, called Boca Raton in the Third Age, the thirty two Primarchs of the Shieldperium meet to decide what tactical changes must occur before the War begins in earnest once more in the months to come.

Take your seats.” The halls of the chamber echoed with the power of the Red Hammer’s voice, and thirty two ceremonially armored figures fell silent and seated themselves at the massive, oblong slab of granite.

I am here but as an observer for the Emperor, may He rule forever. Now converse, and finalize the modifications to the War that your forces may bring Him greater glory this cycle.

Silence stretched on as the Primarchs regarded the Hammer. The automaton stood at the head of the table, its blank face unreadable. The Shieldperium’s crest stood out in brilliant red, silver and blue upon its armored chest. Each Primarch hated the Hammer in his own way. The wretched machine was essentially a puppet for the Primarchs, but it was necessary to grant it some semblance of power over the them. The Hammer was an invaluable bodyguard for the Emperor, but that did not ease the loathing directed towards it.

“Very well, then.” Primarch Bisc, clad in midnight purple and black, stood from his seat. “As Lord of the Raven Guard I propose that each grunt in the trenches, before becoming eligible for combat, must mark himself as eligible in a special red cloth hood and…”

“Sit down, Bisc!” Arthur the Blank’s battle scarred face crinkled with disdain as he spoke the words. “We’re here to consider serious propositions only.”

“Yes,” an eerie chorus of voices added. “We must always remember the safety of our legions is paramount.” Several Primarchs shifted in their seats as Ne’F Loener spoke. The being was a hivemind of all inhabitants of its home planet, Sheezhed.

“Safety? Safety?!” cried the Primarch adorned with glittering silver and blue stars. “By the Bells of Hells, my Legion’s a Chaos-damn STAR! Nothing can bring them down! Not even this preposterous Cee’Tee abomination. Corrupter of Minds? I don’t think he even exists and I’M FUCKING CRAZY!

“The Emperor’s position, may His wisdom guide us, on the Chaos Being known as Cee’Tee, Corrupter of Minds, is that there is no connection to its influence and soldiers succumbing to battle lust so completely they lose all rational thought.”

A slurred voice leaked out of an iron-horned helm of deep blue and pure white. “Whaat? Did sssomeone ssssay sssomething about looosing rational thought?” The hiss of narcotic stimulants being administered by automated injector tubes in the Primarch’s armor punctuated each sentence. “Nuthin’ wrong wiith that.”

Arthur the Blank stood. “My Falcon Legion was particularly decimated by its rivals bringing them down from behind, pulling on the necks of their armor like godless cowards! Let us punish all those who would do such.”

A chorus of ascent spread around the table. A small figure dressed in the official robes of a Shieldperium Legislator approached the table from the shadowy periphery of the room. “Lords, may I make a suggestion?” The Primarchs turned to regard the newcomer.

“What is it Parliamentarian Blandino?”

“Deploying Chop Blocks should also be punished, honorable Primarchs, and punished severely. And without hesitation,” the Legislator offered, head bowed in respect.

Primarch Zyg the Wulf of the Berserker Legion growled his opposition. “Should we not be concerned about the rumored power gained by the Yellow One with each infraction?”

Blandino’s head turned upward slightly. “Mere rumor, Primarchs.”

Then it is settled. I shall report to the Emperor, may He rule forever, the new proclamations for this cycle,” the Hammer thundered.

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MikeWallaceAndGromit
DFO's resident gamer of the video and board variety.
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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I finally got to read this and it is fan-fucking-tastic.

http://i.imgur.com/dmdIBOd.gif

ThePirateSloth

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRsPheErBj8

I love you for this though

JerBear50

When the slurring, Primator fa’tump spoke, was that the sound of Kashmir I heard in the distance?

montythisseemsstrangetome

Primarch Bow’len added “zzzzzzzzzfffffffffffffvvvvvvvvvddddddd”

ArmedandHammered

See, I have always seen them as members of the Traitor Legions. I always thought of them as following the chaos gods. The Ravens – followers of Khorne the god of violence (domestic and otherwise), warfare and murder. The Patriots – followers of Slaanesh god of pleasure and pain. The Buccaneers – Nurgle of course with all the MRSA. And the Chargers – followers of Tzeentch god of change and sorcery.

ArmedandHammered

Plus rules that cannot be interpreted correctly and always mean something different to different people sow chaos and discord between the followers of each legion.

ArmedandHammered

No problems. I have read most of the books as I went through a huge Warhammer and War40K phase when I was playing Warhammer Online and really loved the setting and the stories. It is funny that this came up because I had a long time ago assigned some of the teams to the Chaos Gods, forgot one earlier:

The Eagles – Malal/Malice, The Renegade God – God of Anarchy, Vengeance and Nihilism

Sill Bimmons

In this dystopian nightmare there is only one thing left for humanity to eat:

http://images2.houstonpress.com/imager/u/original/6414236/tongues_01.jpg

nomonkeyfun

Primarch Mar requests indestructible cases of imitation “fruit juice” be allowed in explosive hurlers body armor. Also he would like a two mirror so no one can see the hurler’s face when explosives wind up in his own sides trench.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I can’t wait to hear from the childlike Primarch Da’Vis, Lord of the Eyrie System, Warden of the Eastern Spiral Arm, and Defender of the Vale Nebula.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Just check your junk folder; his email gets caught in mine.

WCS

Primarch Kron’kee sits quietly in the corner, twirling his Fu Manchu mustache with the bone of an index finger taken from an unfortunate citizen of the former city of St.’ Loos, contemplating his next move.

Covalent Blonde

Am I the only one picturing Primarch Kahn in bitchin’ wide-set pinstripe armor with a sexy mechanical mustachio on the hood of his clack/helmet?

jjfozz

I would like to see the helmet design for Primarch Davis. I bet the color scheme rocks.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Chaka is shocked.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
jjfozz

Primarch Kraft rose from his mighty seat of marble. “Could we not lay fiery waste to the holy words that are writ large in the mighty Library of Rules? We must begin anew, starting with the amount of the Emperor’s holy breath than can be sarcophagied into the mighty leather ball that is hurled into the very heavens by the hands of the QB Warrior Class.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Primarch Kraft has enjoyed little support from the council after the surveillance program administered by Archadmiral Bel was exposed.

Sill Bimmons

“And what of the incoherent, baffling Rules regarding who owns the rights to the mighty leather ball after the now-incomprehensible process known as ‘The Catch?’ Can they not be made even more confusing and baffling?”

Covalent Blonde

Only the Elder Gods can speak of that narrow abyss

Sill Bimmons

I boo
You boo
We all boo
Cthulhu