Operator: Greater Raleigh Telephone Operator Extension, how may I direct your call?….I see, yes sir, one moment please….(Phone Clicks)…Alright, you are connected to the video conference line to the Governor’s Office.
Governor Pat McCrory (R-North Carolina): Roger! Good morning and thank you for calling me back! What took you so long though? You out getting gang sacked by some of those chicks with the throbbing veiny nine inch di —
Commissioner Roger Goodell (N-ational Disgrace): No Pat, I’ve been dealing with inquiries about our owners meetings not being moved out of Charlotte next month and, frankly, your obsession with trans people is causing me both personal and professional concern.
McCrory: Concern? CONCERN? Look Roger, this is America and, so long as you yanks want to force us to be a part of America, then the people of North Carolina are going to be free. And if you —
Goodell: Look Pat, we’re sitting this one out. I don’t really care about what election-year politicking you’re doing so you can just save the justification.
McCrory: Well good because, personally, I find the hottest encounters with trannies to be those in, quote-unquote, unwelcome surprise circumstances, such as in bathrooms.
Goodell: I don’t like to make threats; I’m a unifier, Pat. But you need understand that we’re only brushing passed this because we just had to muscle around Deal down in Georgia and I’m not interested in getting called upon by the public every time some closeted Christian conservative decides to cry foul because some little Filipino cisboy wouldn’t let you play bareba — hey, where did you go?(Leans forward at screen showing empty office)
McCrory: (Reappears in screen and sits down with a stack of papers on his lap) Sorry there. I’m a governor, Roger. Full time job. Gotta oversee legislation, judicial integrity (Laughs and looks back to oil painting of his pappy’s hunting dog, Hunter, for approval), and I’m sure you heard about my push for teacher raises last week. Paying teachers more; boy, that sure sounds like a cause the NFL could get behind.
Goodell: I feel about teachers the same way I do about concussions; all they do is represent unnecessary hurdles in our ability to make sure every single young American is playing Heads Up Football for six hours a day from ages 4 through 18.
McCrory: Right well, here’s an interesting update on another project I’m monitoring. It seems the $86 million publicly-funded Bank of America Stadium project is progressing on schedule. Yessir, the people of Charlotte and North Carolina are happy to pool their cash together to upgrade Mr Richardson’s stadium, knowing that it will surely multiply and trickle on down. And, besides, as the commissioner, you must appreciate that the fine people of this state understand that the Panthers could never field a competitive product without indirectly infusing tens of millions of dollars per year into the franchise facilities. And here’s a progress picture now! Check this out.
Goodell: Mmmmm….that’s nice, right there. What’s that? Executive box upgrades?
McCrory: That’s right. You can put you feet down in luxury on quarter-inch premium carpet padding up to eight times a year, thanks to the sacrifices of the fine purveyors of the greater Charlotte food bank system.
Goodell: Oh yeah. Love taking off my shoes and being able to watch the game while my toesies sink into a plush rug.
McCrory: But, you know, if you think our leadership in the state is too much of a black eye for a league whose name is still synonymous with domestic violence, tax evasion, and general corporate greed, we can cut back on these upgrades. Maybe just install standard carpet padding, instead of the thick stuff, and fund the food banks instead.
Goodell: Whoa, whoa! Let’s not make any hasty decisions like redirecting funds to food banks instead of executive suite carpeting. Come on now. We’re both professionals here.
McCrory: That’s what I thought. And as a professional, I need you to look at this big picture. That means, the money. And the money is going to keep flowing. Don’t you worry about that. In fact, just look at all these supportive comments we are getting from the internet on our freedom bill.
Goodell: Well, these actually read like each commenter is less informed than the last and —
Goodell: Alright fine. I’m convinced. In fact, I’m starting to wish we had such codes available in many of our other NFL cities. It’d allow for a much more family-friendly environment at games and keep these things from turning into freaking drag shows every year for the next eleven season when the 49ers become playoff ineligible in mid-October.
McCrory: Well I’m glad you’ve come around. I mean, I was worried you were going soft when I found out you cut a deal just to make sure Michael Sam got drafted but then you guys went ahead and kept your owners meeting here and — well, shit, I’m going to call up The Scorpio personally and make sure you don’t leave there without meeting Tiffany.
Goodell: Well, I guess it couldn’t hurt to get to know the locals a little more. I mean, especially if those publicly-funded upgrades land Charlotte the Super Bowl here soon.
McCrory: Oh yeah, let me show you one more stadium upgrade; the executive suite wash room.
Goodell: Modern, I like it. But what’s that feature in the side stall.
McCrory: That my friend, once I can get the legislature to kill my recommendation to increase teacher salaries, will be the trap door so Filipino trannies — err, after hours janitorial staff — can sneakily enter the bathroom if you pound on the wall three times.
Goodell: My. God. That is brilliant! I have to go, Pat. The Raiders are working on their improvement deal with the city of Oakland and I’ve got to make sure these bathroom schematics are included in their proposal.
McCrory: You take care, my friend. See ya in May. McCrory out.