The scene: The creepy basement where the Angry Girl Scout is holding Ballsofsteelandfury, Lord Revisisle, JJ Fozz and Rikki-Tikki-Deadly captive. She has just conjured a fearsome entity called Cookiethulhu, and it stands looming over her, wrapped in mystic smoke.

JJ Fozz: Good…lord…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (inhaling the smoke): He smells like…freshly-baked oatmeal cookies!

Ballsofsteelandfury (also inhaling): With just a hint of cinnamon.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (taking another sniff): And is that…brown sugar?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly’s stomach rumbles.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (embarassed): Sorry, guys. I haven’t eaten since Vandersexxx.

Ballsofsteelandfury (shocked): You ate there?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: They had a really nice buffet.

JJ Fozz: Look, dumbasses, this conversation is really enlightening, but maybe you want to pay attention to the damn demon here?

Angry Girl Scout: He’s not a demon. He’s an elder god, from a time of great chaos and…

Cookiethulhu: COOKIES!

Angry Girl Scout: Yes, yes, soon enough. But first I want you to…

Cookiethulhu: ME WANT COOKIES!!!

Angry Girl Scout: Look, I’ll get you the cookies, but first I want…

Cookiethulhu: ME! WANT! COOKIES! NOW!!!

Angry Girl Scout (exasperated): Fine! You know what? I’ll get you your damn cookies. But then you’re gonna do so much dismembering for me…

The angry Girl Scout stomps up the stairs, leaving Cookiethulhu staring at the DFOers.

Cookiethulhu (now speaking with a precise British accent): Well! Bit of a sticky-wicket here, eh, lads?

JJ Fozz: What…the…hell?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly: You speak…British?

Cookiethulhu: Oh, I should hope so! One must be ready to converse with all sorts in my line of work, don’t you know?

Ballsofsteelandfury: Sure… That makes sense.

JJ Fozz: So why were you all Raiders Nation with that psycho kid?

Cookiethulhu: Just a show, old boy. Summoners come to expect a certain…shall we say flair pour le spectaculaire?

JJ Fozz: No, we shouldn’t. Do I look like Old School Zero?

Cookiethulhu: Sorry, old man! What I mean to say is, they want a dramatic entrance, and they expect the ones they summon to be either menacing or monstrous. I usually go with the latter, myself. Just easier that way…it cuts down on all the extraneous conversation. Some of these occultists can go on and on…

JJ Fozz (drily): You don’t say.

Cookiethulhu: Oh! Sorry, old man! I get a bit chatty myself, sometimes. By the by, is that you, Revisisle?

Lord Revisisle (looking uncomfortable): Umm…

Cookiethulhu: It is, isn’t it? Well, fancy meeting you here!

Ballsofsteelandfury: You know each other?

Lord Revisisle: Well…it was a long time ago…

Flashback to: Lord Revisisle in a fraternity house. He’s holding a large wooden paddle and screaming incoherently. Several of his frat brothers are screaming and yelling as well, as they try to run away. One is plucked up by a huge red, furry hand and his scream ends abruptly, and less pleasant sounds begin. A pledge in his underwear is crying and trying to hide behind Lord Revisisle as a huge shadow falls over them.

Pledge (wailing): I don’t wanna pledge Omega Mu anymore!

Cut to: The present day again.

Cookiethulhu (chuckling): I must say, that was a bit of a cock-up, wasn’t it? They were trying to summon a succubus, of course, but all it takes is a few mispronounced syllables and then things get a bit…messy.

Lord Revisisle: Look, we go back…kind of. So can you help us out here?

Cookiethulhu: Oh, I’d love to, old boy! I am so past all the carnage and slaughter, don’t you know. Thing is, I’m a bit…shall we say, trapped.

Cookiethulhu gestures around at the mystic sigils that surround him.

Cookiethulhu: I have to say, that angry little girl is well-informed in her occultism. I must stay inside this pesky circle until she lets me out. And then, of course, the dismembering will begin. And the disemboweling. Really, just all sorts of Dis.

JJ Fozz: Well, crap.

Lord Revisile: We’ve got to think of something!

Ballsofsteelandfury: Well, there might be one way…but I told Zymm I’d only use it in emergencies.

Lord Revisisle: Not to be too dramatic, but I think this just might qualify.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Well…

JJ Fozz: Look, dumbass, if you have a way to get us out of here, then get your ass in gear.

Ballsofsteelandfury: That’s funny…I told your mother the same thing before we went to Europe.

JJ Fozz (looking angry): What did you say?

Ballsofsteelandfury: You need a hearing aid? I knew you were getting older, Fozz, but…

JJ Fozz (his face getting purple): Keep talking, dumbass. When I get out of here, I’m gonna…

Ballsofsteelandfury: What, go to a Ravens game? Hey, I understand. Everyone needs some alone time.

JJ Fozz (getting even more purple as he gets bigger and bigger): That’s it! I’m gonna…

Ballsofsteelandfury: By the way, Fozz, I was the one who drank all your beer last month. I got a thank you note from your liver.

JJ Fozz grows into a hulking purple brute, easily snapping the chains.

JJ Fozz: FOZZ SMASH!!!

Cut to: Upstairs, where the Angry Girl Scout is rummaging through cupboards, looking for cookies.

Angry Girl Scout: Seriously? I can’t even find one stupid box of…

She reaches back into a cupboard and comes up with a box of Lemonades.

Angry Girl Scout (grimacing): Ick. Well, he is an elder god. He’s probably eaten worse things.

Suddenly the entire house shakes and there’s a crashing sound. The Angry Girl Scout drops the lemonades and rushes to the stairs. A lemonade rolls out of the box and a cockroach rushes over, nibbles on it, and promptly dies.

Angry Girl Scout (running down to the basement): Just what in the…

The basement is a shattered mess. The DFOers chains have been broken, there’s a huge hole in the wall, and everyone, including Cookiethulhu, is gone.

Angry Girl Scout: Son. Of. A. Bi…

To be continued…