Become Better Acquainted With A Potential NFL Player*

*A totally original DFO production and not just a rip-off of a feature we all enjoyed from that other site we all met at.

Good morning!  Or afternoon depending on when this thing posts.  As you know, because you undoubtedly filled out Blax’s draft contest sheet (if not, you can still enter here [PHRASING, BOOM!]) and are eagerly anticipating getting a final score on that roughly equivalent to Jamarcus Russell’s Wonderlic score, the NFL draft is this coming Thursday.  And Friday.  And Saturday.  Followed by Sunday Second Guessing.  In preparation for the draft DFO presents this opportunity for you to, if you will, “get to better know a draft pick”, which is something I totally came up with on my own and didn’t rip off from KSK word for word because it still hurts dammit, IT STILL HURTS!!!!

-ahem-

Today we meet Jared Goff!  He’s the rat face up top.  Let’s get to know him shall we?

Physical Attributes:  6’4″ and 215 lbs.  In other words he’s tall and skinny and will be murdered in the NFL.

College Experience:  12,000 yards and 96 TDs, against 30 interceptions at California.  Of course the Golden Bears wnet 14-23 during those seasons and managed one bowl appearance, (but it was a win in the 2015 Armed Forces Bowl, so fuck yeah!), so make of Goff’s performance what you will.

Does He Tweet?: @jaredgoff16.  Unless you like the Sf Giants go ahead and skip this one.

Strengths:  Far more experienced in college than Wentz was, and against better competition.  Considered to have a quality arm, good pocket presence and “looks the part of a confident, first-round quaterback…

Weaknesses:  He might have a lot more experience than Wentz, and against better competition but let’s be honest, his teams sucked.  He’s taller than me and weighs the same and if an NFL linebacker tackled me I’d snap in half.  Tends to fumble and/or get sacked a lot.  Played in an ‘Air Raid’ system that is not likely to be played in the NFL.  Really, other than an unfamiliarity with the pro game, being underweight and tending to get tackled and fumble more than most there isn’t a hole to be found in his game.

He also may have small hands.  Perhaps he can run for President instead.

Nicest Comparison:  Matt Ryan.  It was unanimous.  So all whichever team that drafts him has to do is also get one of the best three receivers in the game and they’ll be golden!

Meanest Comparison: Mike Krzyzewski.  Go ahead and compare images.  Tell me I’m wrong.

Does He Pass The Blake Bortles Test?: katelynn 47No idea, but if you type “Does Jared Goff Have A Girlfriend” into Google this picture is one of several that come up.  She seems fun.  Apparently Goff is really private about this sort of thing, which obviously means he’s gay and hell bent on destroying America.  Seriously though, this might be one of the funniest things I’ve ever read; a poorly translated bit of speculation about the poor guy’s private life.

Where’s He Going?:  Oh he gonna Ram It! baby!!!!  The St. Louis Rams of Inglewood California By Way Of Benton Arkansas did not sacrifice their future to not draft a replacement for Nick Fucking Foles and/or Case Fucking Keenum.  Seriously, those aren’t even real names are they?  The Rams just fucked St. Louis over good and hard and spent billions, (and by that I mean charged their new community billions), to move to glorious southern California and they’re not going to do that and then not draft the California QB with the great individual and shitty team stats.  Book it; Goff goes #1 to the Rams.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised

A spotter for Tannehill the Sniper?

Unsurprised

The motto for GoT really out to be “Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal.”

Unsurprised

Awww. I was hoping Tom James would undermine Selina and seek the presidency through the House election.

Wakezilla

Me: “Hey since we’re letting penalties go in the playoffs, should we let offside go too?”

NHL: “No, that would be crazy. We can’t change THOSE rules”

I don’t even care about Florida and I really like Tavares, but, holy christ Florida got screwed without and lube. That was some grade A bullshit.

Senor Weaselo

Meh, I’ll write this up tomorrow when I’m not still in great pain and twinging in my eye. Night all.

WCS
Spanky Datass

“Grandpa Jagr, tell us again about how you played hockey with an onion in your belt.”

WCS

“Give me ten Bettmans for a Gretzky,” you’d say.

Spanky Datass

Florida’s coach looks kinda like Benito Mussolini.

Spanky Datass

Just finished making pickles!
(This is not an euphemism.)
Time for Bourble and a cigar.
comment image

Brocky

I retract my earlier statement.

HBO had the episode ready to go at 20 after, the signal was crisp, and I didn’t pay a dime for it

laserguru

God bless you Brienne of Tarth.

I actually had a couple of tears.
http://lovelace-media.imgix.net/uploads/863/6eef30b0-e083-0132-cee3-0e01949ad350.jpg?

Gratliff

They kept it extra sexy this week

indieguy

I would brienne of tarth wreck me

Doktor Zymm

I look forward to scoffing at Goff in the coming NFL year.

Unsurprised

it’s a testament to how much I can’t stand Nolan’s movies now that this is so much more amusing to me than Anne Hathaway speeding off in his Lamborghini.

Spanky Datass

sGoffing?
sGoffing.
Wentzing?
Wentzing.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Brocky

….And HBO now dissapoints.

I get that it’s only a quarter past the hour, but damn it all anyways.

Gratliff

Has Beyonce always been this insanely artsy?

indieguy

Idk but I know what I’m listening to in my new found passion of running

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

He is very hard working and he has been working on his weaknesses as well. He had a great college career and this gave him the perfect platform. He is part of California Golden Bears and he is one of their main men. He is one of the deadliest Football Quarterback the game has to offer. In future, some big teams will come on hunting for him and his current team needs to keep him putting a lot of efforts.

If Jake Barnes and Michael Ausiello had a love child, this is how he would write.

Unsurprised

Did a first grader write that? Is he also a land of many contrasts?

ballsofsteelandfury

“He does not look gay at all”

That website you linked to has some top-notch research!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Holy shit. I think from now on I’m gonna call that guy “Rasferret the Goff”.

ALXMAC

This song is dedicated to WBS:

https://youtu.be/ePcA841GIGE

Moonbatting Average

Less than an hour until Schroedinger’s Jon Snow!

ALXMAC
Spanky Datass

http://i1.wp.com/doorfliesopen.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/katelynn-47.jpg

I think the image you found is from Banana Bang 14: The Unpeeled Directors Cut. …or at least that’s what someone told me.

Spanky Datass

OOK!

montythisseemsstrangetome

Nicest comparison or meanest comparison?

http://manningface.s3.amazonaws.com/images/1292815989_eli.jpg

ALXMAC
BrettFavresColonoscopy

And they didn’t even have to slack off for that jackoff

ALXMAC
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

He is used to pressure, which he’d see in the NFL. On one of the shows they had a shit load (English units) of plays where his linemen just got tooled and he got instant pressure. His lines every year sucked and he got the shit beat out of him. He is not NFL ready by any means, but apparently none of the Rams QBs currently on the roster are either.

ballsofsteelandfury

So David Carr 2.0?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

We’ll see if they get some linemen and quick passing schemes to help him out….. if not the NFL beating will make college seem like a slap fight.