Draft Town : Not Actually A Real Town

Welcome to DRAFT TOWN SPONSORED BY OIKOS TRIPLE ZERO!!

This is not actually the entrance.
This is not actually the entrance.

As part of the Chicago draft, the NFL set up DRAFT TOWN SPONSORED BY OIKOS TRIPLE ZERO. It’s sort of like a county fair, but with less livestock, fewer carnies, only one ride, and more opportunities to buy NFL Merchendise. It also provides a venue for people who did not win tickets to the first round of the draft to watch TV while standing up outside in the cold and drinking $8 beer.
IMG_20160428_145829
I visited DTSBOTZ on a lovely, gray Thursday afternoon. After going through the metal detectors, which I assume were in place to make it harder for Jets fans to commit Seppuku, I reveled in the anticipatory feeling that buzzed through the attendees.

Excitement!
Excitement!

The centerpiece of DTSBOTZ is Selection Square, a large stage by the Buckingham Fountain, where they put the TVs and hold the later rounds of the draft. When there is not actually drafting occuring, it’s basically just the Buckingham Fountain surrounded by temporary erections. The various sports networks had temporary studio setups around the edges of the square, which was almost as interesting as this guy’s Witten jersey.

Let's stand here in case they do a crowd shot and we can be on the TeeVee!
Let’s stand here in case they do a crowd shot and we can be on the TeeVee!

For those who hadn’t absconded from work on the pretense of a “research meeting” there were a variety of things you could waste time standing in line for. The Lombardi Trophy was on display, and waiting in a long line would get you the opportunity to take a picture of it from slightly closer than the people who just stood by the edge of the platform and took pictures. There was an autograph tent next to the main NFL merch store, where you could pay money to observe the fine motor skills of an NFL athlete up close. Most interestingly, there was a Combine Zone, where you could attempt a 10 yard FG (This actually looked pretty damn fun, but I like kicking stuff), have your high jump measured (I don’t need fancy sticks to tell me I got no vert), and a chance to run the 40 while racing your friends and a large video projection of an NFL player (Spoiler, NFL players run faster than the general public). I was impressed that the turf at Grant Park appears to be nicer than the turf at Soldier Field.
IMG_20160428_150945
Among the non-line-having attractions, they “recreated” an NFC and AFC locker room. I feel the authenticity left something to be desired.

Note the lack of empty juice boxes and Transformers
Note the lack of empty juice boxes and Transformers

They had one player from each team represented, and such NFL notables as Kirk Cousins were located front and center. Less prestigious, accomplished players were sort of shoved into the back corner, next to a big ol’ basket of footballs.

Cam Newton? Who's that, some sort of cookie?
Cam Newton? Who’s that, some sort of cookie?

There was also a Ferris Wheel that didn’t seem to be running, and a Play 60 Zone, because the NFL is all about preventing childhood obesity in people who are’t going to grow up to be defensive linemen. Finally, there were many, many opportunities to take pictures with various things emblazoned with team logos, because really, that’s what going to a free PR event set up by a sports league is all about!

I'm sure this child will forever treasure this generic NFL memory.
I’m sure this child will forever treasure this generic NFL memory.
0 0 votes
Article Rating
Doktor Zymm
An expert at time travel*, Doktor Zymm also has the ability to move objects with her mind** and can breath underwater***. *Forward only, at a preset rate **Via her hands, usually ***When the water is contained in a glass
Subscribe
Notify of
46 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
JerBear50

“but with less livestock”
I’d think Packers fans would have had a better turnout. It’s not that far of a drive.
http://www.chicagonow.com/chicago-tough/files/2012/09/packers-fans-of-the-day.jpg

laserguru

The was seriously excellent work, Frau Doktor!

DFO with boots on the ground!

Unsurprised

comment image

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

“Oinkos?! Great! Where’s the BBQ?!”

–Andy Reid, about to be horribly disappointed

Senor Weaselo

I see the Broncos helmet, but what’s that other one?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

?

Wakezilla

Probably a made=up NFL team that you can pose for a picture. You know. just to say you were drafted by them in some fantasy draft town experience.

Duchess

Not even the NFL could afford the new NFL Licensing fees so they had to go with a fictional team.

blaxabbath

“Wait. There are TEMPORARY erections?!”

-15 Year Old Blax

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
jjfozz

There is no WAY, Herr Doktor that “temporary erections” was not used on purpose.

Also, why no juice boxes, crayons, or Star Wars figures in Eli’s “authentic” locker?

ballsofsteelandfury

I was looking for this and you did not disappoint.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Temporary erections and juicy boxes?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Sorry; juice boxes.

blaxabbath

Hey – Olivia told him that if he didn’t clean them up, she’d vacuum them up. So don’t start crying now.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Myself, I’d prefer a different draft party, but hey….. if you need to buy overpriced NFL swag, so be it.

http://kitchenmancan.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/img_0855.jpg

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Fun fact: I once found myself in line behind Ron Livingston at a record store. At least I assume it was him. I thought he’d be taller. Also he looked very irritable so I didn’t bug him.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Don T

#PEPSINFLHELMETS just rolls off the tongue. Of course, taht caused me to spend 15 mins. looking at tweets of people with giant helmets. The highlight:
https://twitter.com/hashtag/pepsinflhelmets

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Needz moar puking $8 beers in the helmuts.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It made me think of helmets full of pepsin.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

*priapism

TEMPORARY erections, she said

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Not in the helmet.

jjfozz

I have decided that I hate the living fuck out of Twitter.

Beerguyrob

This is the correct answer.

blaxabbath

“Hate the Living”

The working title for the 2016 Baltimore City Budget Proposal.

nomonkeyfun

Well SCam Newton does belong at the back of the bus. That’s where all those people always sat back when I was in High School… you know the cool kids.

/Takes seat next to chaperone on marching band trip.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I think we know what happened at band camp.

nomonkeyfun

You’re confusing Jameis and Newton again.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Hey, my comment strictly referred to the last / sentence and your tuba playing expertise.

nomonkeyfun

I found the lockers for the tuba players much more roomy than the boxes of the flautists.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You can go full tuba without repercussions.

SonOfSpam

How did you fare at the Take A Punch From Ray Rice simulator?

montythisseemsstrangetome

Not good. She didn’t even apologize.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Did you try turning her over?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hey, my girlfriend tells me that “temporary erections” are no big deal and are totally ok with her.

montythisseemsstrangetome

Would you consider four hours “temporary”?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

We know.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

DTFBOTZ are what alternate universe supervillain Rex Grossman has tasked his super-scientists with producing.

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

I smell a new chapter of HRTN!