Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 31)

The scene: Inside the green Prius, where Wolfman Rob is driving like a madman with Ballsofsteelandfury and Low Commander of the Super Soldiers in the backseat, hanging on for dear life. Mabel is of course riding shotgun.

Wolfman Rob: ARROOOOOO!!! Damn, boys, you’d better be glad I got you out of that mess! Them Men in Plaid don’t play around!

Ballsofsteelandfury: You know those guys?

Wolfman Rob: The Men in Plaid? Hell, son, they’ve been after ol’ Wolfman Rob for years! Ain’t no way they’re never gonna catch me, though. Ain’t that right, Mabel?

Mabel bounces in her seat, nodding affably.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Well, who are they?

Wolfman Rob: Spooks, son! The spookiest of spooks! They’re the boys that show up at your doorstep when you see a UFO or a ghost…hell, when weird crap goes down, the MIP’s show up!

Ballsofsteelandfury and Low Commander of the Super Soldiers shoot startled looks at each other.

Ballsofsteelandfury (to Low Commander of the Super Soldiers): Have you ever heard of these guys?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers: No. But then again, history was never my strong suit. I majored in Invasions, with an emphasis in Asia Minor. I did minor in Home Economics, though. I learned how to make a pretty incredible seal souffle.

Ballsofsteelandfury: You…you ate seal?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers: Oh, sure! Seal’s great. A little tough, but then you’d expect that from a twelve-ton killing machine.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Seals…?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers: All teeth and claws, you know. And the two-headed ones are even worse.

Wolfman Rob (glancing in the rear view mirror): So, what the hell did you boys do to get on the MIP’s radar?

Ballsofsteelandfury: Gee…no idea! Maybe they just had the wrong guy.

Wolfman Rob: Ha! Not likely! Still, you ain’t got to worry about those guys once we got to ol’ Mexico!

Ballsofsteelandfury: Mexico…? Um, look, we’ve really got to get back to…

Wolfman Rob: Hey! You boys look smart! Which way is ol’ Mexico?

Ballsofsteelandfury: Well, it’s our neighbor to the south, so…

Wolfman Rob (expectantly): Yeah…?

Ballsofsteelandfury: South…?

Wolfman Rob (turning the Prius hard to the right and sending Ballsofsteelandfury and Low Commander of the Super Soldiers sliding acorss their seat): Got it! TJ here we come! ARROOOOOO!!!

Cut to: The Men in Plaid, still out on the street. Man in Plaid #1 walks back to the motionless body of Man in Plaid #2, who is lying in a twisted heap.

Man in Plaid #1: You look unwell.

Man in Plaid #2: What happened?

Man in Plaid #1: You were struck by a bright green Honda Prius.

Man in Plaid #2: Ah, one of the “Silent Killers.” Did our target escape?

Man in Plaid #1: Yes, unfortunately. He is most elusive.

Man in Plaid #2: And irritating. That motion he makes with his fingers…

Man in Plaid #2 attempts to shoot a finger gun, but in his broken state it is but a sad mockery of Ballsofsteelandfury’s digitary prowess.

Man in Plaid #1 (leaving): Do not try to move. I will attempt to find help.

Cut to: Cookiethulhu carrying several bags of trash out of the DFO clubhouse and heading for the dumpster.

Cookiethulhu (singing): “Josie’s on a vacation far away…come around and talk it over…”

Cookiethulhu dumps the four bags in the dumpster. All of them are full of bottles. Beer bottles, vodka bottles, bourbon bottles, whiskey bottles, rum bottles, tequila bottles…and a single, suspicious peach schnapps bottle.

Cookithulhu (still singing): “So many things that I wanna say…you know I like my girls a little bit older…”

Cookiethulhu finishes throwing the last of the bottles out.

Cookiethulhu: Crikey! I can’t believe Beerguyrob’s had that song on auto-repeat all day.

Beerguyrob (sticking his head out the door): Hey, Prospect! I did mention that we separate our trash and our recyclables, didn’t I?

Beerguyrob ducks back inside as a botttle smashes against the door.

Cookiethulhu (grumbling): Right, then…of all the outlaw motorcycle clubs in the world, I end up with the ecologically-conscious one.

Cookiethulhu starts to climb into the dumpster, but then sees Man in Plaid #2 lying in the street.

Cookiethulhu: Stone the crows! I rather think that gent look familiar…

Flashback to: 1967. Cookiethulhu is running through Haight-Ashbury, with the two Men in Plaid in pursuit. The Men in Plaid look exactly the same. Cookiethulhu, on the other hand, has spinning eyes and his fur is standing on end. In technical terms, he is tripping balls.

Cookiethulhu (running): No way, man! You fuzz ain’t gonna take me in alive!

Man in Plaid #1 (in pursuit): Halt! You are an unauthorized metaphysical manifestation!

Man in Plaid #2 (also in pursuit): Return with us at once!

Cookiethulhu (tripping over a pile of hippies): AAAHHHHH The bugs are everywhere!!! Get ’em off me! Get ’em off!!!

Cut to: The present day again.

Cookiethulhu: Not my finest moment, I admit.

Cookiethulhu lumbers over toward Man in Plaid #2.

Cookiethulhu: So, we meet again, old chap.

Man in Plaid #2 (struggling to move his mangled body so that he can see): That gravelly voice…is that you, Margaret Thatcher?

Cookiethulhu: No, it’s not Thatcher, it’s…

Man in Plaid #2 (still struggling to look at Cookiethulhu): Charles Babbage? See here, Babbage, you and Thatcher will not evade us forever.

Cookiethulhu (sighing): No, I’m not Charles Babbage, either.

Man in Plaid #2 (finally maneuvering his head so that he can see Cookiethulhu): Oh, it is you. Well, I will have you know that you are in direct violation of Dimensional Edict #742, which clearly states that…

Cookiethulhu (interrupting): Oh, do save it, old man. I’m not chock-full of hash brownies this time. Although I did have a rather full meal this morning. Did you know this place has a three-foot waffle?

Man in Plaid #2: Do yourself a favor and surrender to me now.

Cookiethulhu (chuckling and picking up the mangled form of Man in Plaid #2): Not much chance of that, my good fellow. As a matter of fact…

Cookiethulhu opens his maw up and shoves Man in Plaid #2 inside. Man in Plaid #2 puts up a fight and attempts to hang on for dear life. Suddenly the door to the DFO clubhouse opens and Beerguyrob looks out.

Beerguyrob: Hey, what’re you doing out in the street?

Cookiethulhu (his mouth full of Man in Plaid): Mmrph?

Beerguyrob: Are you eating roadkill? That’s the second-most disgusting thing I’ve seen today.

Cookiethulhu (attempting to swallow Man in Plaid #2): Mmf.

Beerguyrob: Look, those bottles ain’t gonna separate themselves. Get on it. And then you get to clean the beer taps, an’ I wanna see those things shine.

Cookiethulhu (nodding): Mmo mmaf.

As Beerguyrob goes back inside the clubhouse, Cookiethulhu finally swallows Man in Plaid #2. He then lets out a humungous burp.

Cookiethulhu: Goodness me! Well, that’s one problem taken care of! Time to get back to work.

Cookiethulhu heads back into the clubhouse. All is quiet for a few moments, and then Man in Plaid #1 returns. He looks around for Man in Plaid #2, frowns in confusion, and then bends down to retrieve a piece of red fur from the road.

Man in Plaid #1 (inspecting the fur): This is most unfortunate. I may have to call for reinforcements…

To be continued…

SPECIAL HRTN VIDEO LINK

 

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Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

laserguru

Well to be honest you can’t have sex on the beach without peach schnapps.

Then again fuck peach schnapps.

And fuck having a sandy groin.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’ve “had sex” on the beach twice. It didn’t go well either time.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Don’t let them fool you; these guys got ….. crabs.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Okay, the new scrolling thingy announcement just made me laugh so hard I almost choked on my eggs.

Beerguyrob

At five cents per bottle, an average night in the DFO clubhouse is able to pay Wolfman Rob’s Brazzers membership fees for a month.

ALXMAC

Vera De Milo – Milk Commercial

https://youtu.be/jwDwDBNjLpQ

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

THIS COOKIETHULHU, I CALL HIM THE DEATH OF GRUNGE BECAUSE HE’S TAKING PLAID AND TURNING IT INTO SOMETHING NOBODY WANTS.

Horatio Cornblower

Holy shit. Shut it down folks, we’re done here.

And somebody get me a banner!

blaxabbath

You can use this banner. I don’t think anyone will be able to tell you changed it once it’s covered with mayo and gravy stains anyways.

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Covalent Blonde

That can’t be real, can it?

blaxabbath

You don’t think Washington turns out for their Lady Mystics?!

Horatio Cornblower

The WNBA, trying too hard since, uh, uh, hmmmm

ALXMAC

Above & Beyond feat. Zoë Johnston – No One On Earth (Gabriel & Dresden Remix)

https://youtu.be/v5rwo78SBC4

ALXMAC

Soundgarden – Blow Up The Outside World

https://youtu.be/sC2GjXMk7i4

ALXMAC

Coldplay – A Rush of Blood to the Head

https://youtu.be/fC26XpXjSVw

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Cookithulhu (still singing): “…you know I like my girls a little bit older…”

grumble grumble hey that’s my line grumble grumble

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Side note: The Outfield’s “Play Deep” was one of the first albums I ever owned, courtesy of Columbia House. I still think it’s a pretty good album.

blaxabbath

Good news! Columbia House is back….in pog form vinyl!

http://ultimateclassicrock.com/columbia-house-record-club-vinyl/

Speaking of Wolfman Rob, what ever happened to Martin? More importantly who is going to exercise the right of conquest over his porn reserves?

ALXMAC

just a guess, but too many rules here.

ballsofsteelandfury

From my understanding, he was fine with the rules. I think the time spent gathering data was too much for him and/or he needed a break. I do hope he returns. I liked him for more than just the pics he posted.

ALXMAC

Well he’s likely fighting sexy martin in hell. And I agree that he is (was) a helluva a guy posting SFW pics that no one else could find.

https://youtu.be/nl0pdZozVd0

Senor Weaselo

I thought the only rule that applies with the porn reserves was #34.

Martin essentially retired from social media and/or the internet at the end of last year. I think he had some things he needed to handle in the real world. Here’s hoping he does so and comes back. He’s a good guy.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That was my understanding as well. I hope he works through his issues with success.

ballsofsteelandfury

Also this:

ballsofsteelandfury

“it is but a sad mockery of Ballsofsteelandfury’s digitary prowess.”

Note to self: Remind me to mention this should I ever meet any of my ex-girlfriends’ current boyfriends/husbands.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Try what has worked for me for the last several years: don’t meet any of my ex-girlfriends’ current boyfriends/husbands.

ballsofsteelandfury

Trust me, I’ve done my best to avoid that. So far so good.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Trust you? With current boyfriends/husbands? I don’t think so.

King Hippo

any other Southern folk wondering how come he said “spooks” without adding “no ofence”??

blaxabbath

I’ll let Sill field that one….

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Growing up with my dad and uncle, who were ex-military, always referred to spies and government intelligence people as “spooks”, including my uncle’s cousin (mom’s cousin) who was working for the Air Force; “Well, the family spook is stationed in Germany now.”

It was a great shock to me as a young boy to learn spook’s other meaning along with the realization that coon did not necessarily mean raccoon.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

My friend’s dad was in the submarine service and they have a standing order that if boarded, captured or otherwise compromised to ‘shoot the spook’, apparently even in that type of long distance close quarters the intelligence officers didn’t make that many friends for some reason.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Cold War good times.

blaxabbath

Prius chase? I know sponsored #content when I see it!

[WRob, BOSF, and Low C rip off their masks]

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ballsofsteelandfury

Hey, don’t forget to put your AFL Footy Tips in for this week!

Also, Dok, if you’re reading this, you’re in the same boat as Blax. Y’all may have forgotten to enter a tip for this morning’s Hawthorn-Sydney game (Sydney by 14, btw).

blaxabbath

I am sure I did forget that. But I’m trying to tip now.

Is the team with the higher $ value next to their name favored or a sign of how large of an underdog* they are?

*Or do you guys call them ‘overdogs’ because of the Coriolis Effect?

ballsofsteelandfury

They do tend to stumble over drunkenly in a counter-clockwise direction. The odds are higher for the underdog so the higher the number the bigger the dog.

blaxabbath

Crap! I got only one game right last week.

I gotta go buy a powerball ticket…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Just put your tip in.

Covalent Blonde

Oh Cookiethulu, is there any problem that can’t be solved by eating your nemeses?

Also, knowing Beerguyrob just returned from a sojourn from Smashville I am baffled at the implications for what came in first on that fine sunny day at the clubhouse!

ballsofsteelandfury

I think we know exactly where that bottle of peach schnapps came from…

Beerguyrob
blaxabbath

I’ve always thought of CB as the Elaine of the group.

(The rest of you are some mishmash of Newmans and Kenny Banias)

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ballsofsteelandfury

Having met CB, I can say that is not too far off. I would say CB is smarter than Elaine. Let’s say you cross her character in Veep with Elaine and that’s pretty close to CB.

Covalent Blonde

I think I nearly did that with a can of Boddington’s actually. Way harder without a bottle neck!

*Daww. Thanks. I’m actually a little blushy

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Ummmm, that is impressive…..

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

/quietly changes shirt soaked with Boddington’s

King Hippo

LAINIE!!!!!!