Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 32)

Beastmode Ate My Baby
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The scene: The road, man. That endless blacktop that takes you from here to there, but in the end you went nowhere because what you’re looking for isn’t out there. It ain’t in the bars and hootchy-kootchy joints, and it ain’t in the back alleys where the tomcats prowl. You can look all you want, man, spend your days thumbing rides from one burg to another and your nights in smoke-filled taverns listening to hot jazz with a cold beer in your hand, the staccato beat telling you lies. But you know that your place ain’t here, you don’t belong with these cats, these cool, crazy cats. Tomorrow they’ll be slinging hash and driving hacks, making an honest buck, and you’ll be back on the road, looking for something you ain’t ever gonna find until you find yourself, man…

Oh, sorry. Ahem. Let’s try this again.

The scene: A yuuuuge RV travelling down the road. Pirate Sloth is driving. In the back Doktor Zymm is watching The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem’s Super Funtime Hour on the 60” television, Moosemas Gorilla is in the hot tub with Horatio Cornblower nearby, riding on a floating bath duck, and Otto’s Brain is rolling around on the floor.

Otto’s Brain: I still can’t believe you won this thing in Vegas, Zymm! What are the odds?

Doktor Zymm: Zeventy-two million, two hundred and thirty-two thousand to one.

Otto’s Brain: Yeah, I guess you would know that. But this thing is great! We should take another road trip.

Doktor Zymm: Ach, nein, I am done mit ze road trips for awhile. I need to get back to my laboratory. I have zome very important Projekts to complete.

Horatio Cornblower: Like getting me back to my normal size?

Doktor Zymm: Vell…

Horatio Cornblower: You can get me back to my normal size, can’t you? I’m not going to be a living action figure forever, right?

Doktor Zymm: It ist…complicated.

Horatio Cornblower: Complicated? Try being a six-inch tall lawyer, Zymm…that’s complicated! It’s really hard to get the judge to take you seriously when you have to be held up by a paralegal to address the bench.

Doktor Zymm: Vell, I have been vorking on it, but…

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook?

Doktor Zymm: Zo far all my tests rezults have been…

Horatio Cornblower (impatiently): Yes…?

Doktor Zymm: Mezzy.

Unnoticed by the others, Pirate Sloth leaves the driver’s seat and heads into the bathroom.

Horatio Cornblower: Messy? Just how messy?

Doktor Zymm: You probably don’t vant ze gory details.

Otto’s Brain: He might not, but I do!

Horatio Cornblower: Shut up, Otto. Look, am I going to be doing my wardrobe shopping in the toy department for the rest of my life or not?

Otto’s Brain: I hear the new G.I. Joe line has some really spiffy accessories this year.

Doktor Zymm: Quiet, Otto. I vill continue to vork on a cure, Horatio. It just may take zome time.

Horatio Cornblower (grumbling): Easy for you to say. You’re immortal.

Otto’s Brain: Hey, that’s right! Me and Zymm are still around in Moose’s time. Look, Horatio, there’ll always be a place for you in the Otto Man Empire. Maybe a little cottage, nestled among some bonsai trees…

Horatio Cornblower: You’re not helping, Otto.

Otto’s Brain: You could get yourself a little woman…

Moosemas Gorilla reaches down and palms Otto’s Brain, picking him up.

Otto’s Brain: Start a little family. And there will always be room for the small business man in the Otto Man Emp-

Moosemas Gorilla drops Otto’s Brain in the hot tub, and he sinks immediately to the bottom.

Horatio Cornblower (to Moosemas Gorilla): Thanks, pal.

Pirate Sloth (coming out of the bathroom): Arr, do any of ye be havin’ change fer a twenty?

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook?

Horatio Cornblower: Not on me. Why?

Pirate Sloth: I want to be tippin’ the attendant.

Horatio Cornblower: The bathroom has an attendant?

Doktor Zymm: Only ze master bath. Ze other two are just your average badezimmers.

Horatio Cornblower: That’s it, if I ever get back to normal size I’m moving in here.

Doktor Zymm: Zere is alzo a chef, but he only vorks evenings.

Pirate Sloth: Arr, can he be makin’ a batch o’ Buccaneer Bacon Biscuits? That was me mornin’ fare at the Swabby Sloop.

Doktor Zymm: I’m not…vait, who is driving ze RV?

Pirate Sloth: Arr, this here beastie does have the option to self-drive.

Doktor Zymm: It does? I vill have to finish reading ze owner’s manual.

Pirate Sloth: Aye, it seemed anxious to be takin’ the wheel, so I be takin’ meself a wee break. If ye don’t mind, I’ll be headin’ upstairs for a massage

Doktor Zymm: Vell, I don’t see why…vait, ve have a mazzeuze?

Horatio Cornblower: We have an upstairs?

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook?

The DFOers, sans Otto’s Brain (who is still at the bottom of the hot tub), race up the stairs to the second story of the RV, leaving the TV on. A tourism advertisement comes on, showing beautiful beaches and lush jungles.

TV Announcer: When you’re ready for a change, come to Hawaii.

RV Auto Pilot (responding to the TV announcer): Query: destination change? Please confirm.

TV Announcer: Hawaii. You’ll never want to leave.

RV Auto Pilot: Confirmed. New destination: Hawaii.

To be continued…


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Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
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I don’t know if you realize this Beastmode, but I’m pretty sure you just wrote a new Tom Waits song.


But I don’t want to stop going to the hoochy koochy joints.


Don’t forget the lunch buffet!

Covalent Blonde

Don’t worry, babe, we’ll stop off at plenty while we are jet skiing around the Hawaiian with Hippo, assuming we don’t have to make too many pit stops along the way for Hippoz none-too-subtle obsession with Lexi Belle

Doktor Zymm

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His hair is making me crave linguine.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I owned a pair of Maui and Sons shorts just like those in the 80s.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

/still has them

Horatio Cornblower

It’s funny because I’m wearing only shorts right now.

He has way better hair than me.


Barry has his own action figure? Does Katya’s toy come with a removable robo-vag?


Hootchy-kootchy joints


Doktor Zymm

I certainly hope we packed enough limes. I’ve always wanted to have a tequila drinking contest on an amphibious RV in the middle of the Pacific, and it would be such a let down if we ran out of garnish. Presentation is important!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I will purchase tequila that does not require limes.

Covalent Blonde

For some reason, this version of the Pirate Sloth seems like he would be very much at peace on the seven seas.
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I think he would be more likely to be trepanned by Dr. Maturin.
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Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

Don’t have clothes to wear to court? Obama with the Kung-Fu Grip has you covered!



Gotta be picked up a paralegal, damn that was hilarious.


He may be a six-inch tall lawyer but how big is the piano?

Horatio Cornblower

12″ baby.


But enough about WCS’s little bundle of joy…


That’s what she said.


Otto’s Brain: You could get yourself a little woman…

This is why I never drink any liquid when I read HRTN.

Bravo good sir!!!!!!!!!!!
You have earned yourself an Alison Brie gif.


Wait, ROAD trip to Haw….

SHUT UP! He’s on a roll!


Only we can do that to our pledges!

Horatio Cornblower

I hope we get there in time to stop the Germans from bombing Pearl Harbor!


Low Commander of the Super Soldiers



/Microphone is cut off