Wales 2016 UEFA Preview: The Scion of Uther Pendragon Shall Rule The Day!

Hi.

I’m supposed to preview the Wales team for the 2016 UEFA tournament.

Ordinarily I’d do some research, make some smart ass comments about coal and a seeming hatred of vowels couple with an obsession for L’s and W’s.

But here’s the thing:

I’m drunk.

And I know nothing about Welsh soccer, except that Gareth Bale plays for them and he’s pretty good and makes a shit-load of money to play in La Liga.

Here are some things I know about the Welsh soccer team:

1. Their nickname is ‘The Dragons’

2. Gareth Bale plays for them and he is “100% fit”, so that’s awesome.

3. This is the first time two first-time UEFA contestants, (Wales plays Slovakia in the first game), faced off against each other in the first game in, like, forever. Or less. I read that somewhere just now but can’t remember where and fuck it, I have more beer.

4. I just drove 80 minutes round trip, stood in line for 20 minutes for 12 beers, went to a friend’s bonfire and now have 8 beers, (+/-), and I’m STILL getting this write-up out before the first Welsh UEFA game at noon tomorrow. Fuck The Dragons, I deserve a medal here.

5. FIFA, which is to corruption what Taco Bell is to diarrhea, has Wales ranked 26th in the world. Which seems pretty good until you realize that there are SIXTEEN European teams ahead of them, all of whom are competing in UEFA and one of whom, Slovakia, is their first round opponent.

What are the Welsh chances?

Let’s ask their coach! This is an actual quote from him:

We’re delighted to be here. We thought it would never happen but we are here. We’re super excited and very much looking forward the challenge tomorrow. The results will be what they will be but we want to make our nation proud. We need to perform like we can perform and then we will enjoy the moment. These are the players that got us to the tournament in the first place. Our core values must remain the same. All we can do is concentrate on our performance. This is the time to do what we have always done. But we have to enjoy it.

This is what we have always wanted. It’s all about what’s coming, the next challenge. When the challenges come, these players have met it. These boys will do that. For Joe Ledley to get where he is fitness-wise is fantastic. He’s ready to play some part tomorrow. Physically and mentally he’s shown what he’s made of and that’s credit to him.

Walking out will be something special, but we’ve got to remember that we’re here to perform. I want to see the players enjoying and expressing themselves – they’ve earned it. We can only do what’s made us successful. Just walking out and singing the national anthem will be incredible.

None. They have no chance. This is the kind of speech one gives to a bunch of Little League players who are about to get slaughtered by a team filled with kids with mutated pituitary glands. And I should know, because I’ve given that speech more times than I’d like to recall. I, however, will be rooting like hell for them because back in the late 90’s I used to play FIFA soccer at a friend’s house and I was always Wales, (because they were the fucking Dragons, duh), and I had one play where the goalie would boot the ball down the middle and then I would immediately flick it to the wing and then right back to the middle and I would ALWAYS score.

A couple of people have picked Wales as the biggest surprise in the tournament, although I would hasten to point out that they don’t say if it’s a good surprise, like “Surprise, my best friend thinks you’re cute and I think she’s cute and you’re having a threesome!”, or a bad surprise, like “Surprise, your best friend thinks I’m cute and I think he’s cute and he’s having a threesome and there are leftovers in the fridge.”

For the sake of the Welsh, and Pwyll, (seriously, what the fuck is with the Welsh and vowels?), let’s hope it’s the former.

King Arthur was probably from Wales. So there’s that. If the Lady of the Lake, her arm clothed in the finest samite, rises from the water and distributes a golden soccer ball in some farcical aquatic ceremony, the Welsh are taking it all.

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King Hippo

I’m assuming the Slovakian anthem primarily revolves around neck tattoos.

Beerguyrob

Agreed. It looks the Bratislava chapter of SAMCRO put together a footy team.

Beerguyrob

People gives the Scots shit for being cheap, but Welsh is the perfect language for a people too cheap to buy vowels so others can understand them.

King Hippo

Who’s the circa 1981 time machine punk rocker for Slovakia? We could put him on Dok’s dating list.

King Hippo

I remember in Sega Genesis FIFA, I would play as Qatar and see how many players I could get sent off.

King Hippo

That’s some shitty keeping right there. Like, post-World Cup Tim Howard level shitty.

Don T

Woof!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I didn’t know Uther had a last name! Does Li’l John have one too?”

– Mike Mayock

Don T

Skrtl is captain? Them’s slim pickings. Go Wales!

King Hippo

Slovakia don’t believe in vowels neither, huh?

King Hippo

What about “rain delay drunk” Harry Caray?

ballsofsteelandfury

This is the bestest drunk preview I’ve ever read.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Better than borrowing “rimjob” from Don

Don T

For strep throat, gel caps of Sudafed. For crabs, Pwylls of Dyfed.
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Sill Bimmons

Wales is pretty cool. I went there a lot because I had clients.

They’re completely serious about reviving Welsh. 25% of the population speaks it, and I’ve been present for a number of sing-songy conversations that sounded like English I just didn’t quite hear correctly. It does looks like a disaster from a spelling point of view, and I have no idea how they get such a poetic language out of so many consonants.

You’re right, they’re terrible at the footballing. This is because Wales is one of two nations (NZ) that understand that the only true Imperial sport is union rugby.

King Hippo

One would think that Northern Ireland taking time out from their car bombing, church bombing, pub bombing, etc. to qualify would be an even bigger surprise.

ballsofsteelandfury

I swear to you I read that as cat bombing and I thought, “yeah, those Northern Irish do crazy shit. I’d be scared of a fucking cat bomb!”

I may not be awake yet.

King Hippo

That would be the perfect predatory combination, but there would be a problem in determining with the requisite certainty whether each individual cat be Catholic or Protestant.

Don T

I’ve found papist cats the most murderous.

King Hippo

Cats don’t seem likely to have accepted Vatican II ,, no ofence

King Hippo

/adds Horatio to cat bombing list

Sill Bimmons

Can’t do teh terrorism anymore.

The only thing worse than a Hibernian or an Orangeman is a FOOOOOKIN MOOOOOOSELEM

Those are tactics of a bygone era.