The scene: A jail cell in the depths of the base on the dreaded island of Professor Po. The three DFOers being held captive by him are in it. King Hippo is testing his considerable might against the steel bars, frowning in vexation at their unyielding strength. Covalent Blonde paces like a tiger, her wary eyes looking for any weakness in the cell. Yeah Right…well…he’s on the cell’s only bunk, reading a vintage issue of Tiger Beat magazine.

Covalent Blonde: There’s got to be a way out of here!

King Hippo (giving up on the bars): Well it ain’t through those bars. They ain’t givin’ an inch.

Yeah Right (still reading): Do either of you guys have a pen?

Covalent Blonde (ignoring Yeah Right): There’s got to be some way out…

Yeah Right (pulling a pen out of his pocket): Never mind! Found one!

Brow furrowed in concentration, Yeah Right begins filling out a quiz in the magazine.

King Hippo: Maybe we can…I dunno…burrow through the floor?

Covalent Blonde: No digging tools.

Yeah Right: Am I more of a party person, or a stay-at-home type?

King Hippo: Maybe break the lock on the cell door?

Covalent Blonde: No, but we could pick the lock, if we had…

Yeah Right (still doing the quiz): Ice cream or yogurt? Yeah, like that’s a serious choice…

Covalent Blonde (finally noticing the pen): What the…?

Yeah Right (annoyed): Ralph Macchio? What a load of crap! I am so the Matt Dillon type!

Covalent Blonde (snatching the pen out of Yea Right’s hand): You have a pen?

Yeah Right: So what?

Covalent Blonde (heading for the cell door): So, with any luck, I might be able to pick the lock with this.

Yeah Right: Yeah, right! What do you think this is, some kind of action movie?

Covalent Blonde (while she tries to pick the lock with the pen): It’s more like bad serial fiction written by a syphilitic monkey on a week-long meth high.

King Hippo: I like monkeys!

Yeah Right (to Covalent Blonde): Can you get it open?

Covalent Blonde (frowning in concentration): I think…

As Covalent Blonde works the pen in the lock the cheap plastic bends and then flexes, and the pen springs out of her hand and skitters down the hall.

Covalent Blonde: No. I definitely can not.

Yeah Right: Shoot! And I wanted to fill out the crossword puzzle.

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

The security door at the end of the hall opens and a large ninja lumbers in. He stops to pick up the pen, then continues down to the cell and hands the pen to Covalent Blonde.

Covalent Blonde (confused): Thanks…?

The ninja pulls off his mask to reveal himself as Moosemas Gorilla.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!

King Hippo: Hey! We were just talking about monkeys!

Moosemas Gorilla (irritated): Ook! Ook-ook!

Covalent Blonde: He’s an ape, not a monkey. But how he got here, I have no idea.

Suddenly Horatio Cornblower comes through the door at the end of the hall.

Horatio Cornblower: Hey, pal! Get ’em out of there so we can move out!

King Hippo: Holy cow, it’s Big Jim^TM!

Covalent Blonde (as Horatio approaches): No, it’s our friend Horatio and his buddy Moosemas Gorilla.

Yeah Right: It’s great to see you guys! But what’s with the ninja costume?

Horatio Cornblower: We found a yuuuge ninja passed out in the jungle. His outfit was just big enough for Moosemas Gorilla…

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!

Horatio Cornblower: Yes, right, it does smell like onion rings, but it made for a great disguise.

Covalent Blonde: C’mon, guys, get us out of here!

Horatio Cornblower: No problem, CB!

Moosemas Gorilla grabs the bars on the cell door.

King Hippo: I already tried…

Moosemas Gorilla gives a powerful heave and the cell door breaks free of its hinges.

King Hippo:…that…

Covalent Blonde (patting King Hippo on the shoulder as she exits the cell): Don’t worry about it. You’ve still got your looks.

Yeah Right (running out the cell door): Freeeeeeee-doooooommmm!!!

Horatio Cornblower: Will you be quiet? We still have to get out of…

Suddenly a squad of ninjas enter the hallway through the security door.

Ninja #1: Hey, you guys aren’t supposed to be outside your cell!

Ninja #2: Brilliant observation.

Ninja #3: Would you two cut it out? We have a situation here. I think we’re supposed to report this or something.

Covalent Blonde (cracking her knuckles): Haven’t you guys heard?

Ninja #1 (confused): Heard? Heard what?

Covalent Blonde (advancing menacingly): Snitches get stitches.

Cut to: Minutes after Covalent Blonde’s rampage, which was far too brutal for our more sensitive readers. The DFOers walk up to Covalent Blonde, who is sitting on a pile of prone, unconscious ninjas, looking undeniably pleased with herself.

Yeah Right (wincing): That was…just…

King Hippo (visibly impressed): Awesome! You gotta show me how you do that somersault back kick thing before my next S.U.C.K. Tournament.

Horatio Cornblower: Later. First, get these ninja outfits. I have a plan…

Cut to: A security office, with several ninjas milling about. The Head Ninja looks up from his station as the elevator doos open and Moosemas Gorilla exits, flanked by the DFOers who are disguised as ninjas.

Head Ninja (approaching with a glare): Seriously? Did you really think we would fall for this twice?

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook?

Yeah Right: Well…

Head Ninja (irritated): That’s just great. You guys must really think we’re a bunch of incompetent boobs. I mean, really.

Covalent Blonde: Look, it wasn’t our idea.

Horatio Cornblower (peeking out from under Moosemas Gorilla’s fur): What’s the hold-up here? Shouldn’t we be smashing ninjas by now?

Covalent Blonde: They didn’t fall for it. We tried to tell you…

Horatio Cornblower: You, uh…you tried this before?

King Hippo: Yup.

Yeah Right: It worked, too! Mostly.

Head Ninja: Sure, but you guys took us by surprise. This time, we’re ready for you! When I push the alert button on my security console…

Covalent Blonde (pointing back at the security console): That console? The one twenty feet away?

Head Ninja (starting to back away): Yes, well…

King Hippo (cracking his knuckles): Buddy, I guess you ain’t heard. Snitches get…um…

King Hippo gives Covalent Blonde a quizzical look.

Covalent Blonde: It’s okay. Go with your strengths.

King Hippo charges forward with a happy grin, running over the Head Ninja and scattering the rest. Horatio Cornblower jumps off of Moosemas Gorilla’s shoulder and onto Yeah Right’s, allowing the ape to join the fray.

Horatio Cornblower (wincing as he watches the carnage): Wow, that looks painful.

Covalent Blonde (pleased): Oh, it is. That’s a pop-up powerbomb. I taught him that myself.

Yeah Right: You’re teaching wrestling moves to a gorilla?

Covalent Blonde: It’s a tough world out there. I figured he needed to know how to take care of himself.

Horatio Cornblower: Sitting this one out, CB?

Covalent Blonde: I’ll let the boys have their fun. I’m saving my best moves for when we find Professor Po.

Having dispatched the ninjas, King Hippo wanders over to the security console as Moosemas Gorilla retrieves Horatio Cornblower from Yeah Right.

King Hippo (pointing at one of the screens on the console): Hey, isn’t that that Po guy?

Horatio Cornblower: Whoa! Looks like he has some moves of his own!

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!

Covalent Blonde: Hey, who’s that with him? It looks like…

Yeah Right: Is that…it can’t be…

Horatio Cornblower: It is. It’s…Doktor Zymm.

Yeah Right (putting his hands over his eyes): Aaah! Can’t unsee!

The DFOers watch the screen, their faces a mix of fascination, horror and bewilderment.

King Hippo: So…they look friendly…

To be continued…