Dear St. Louis Rams Fans

I love this time of year the sun is shining; birds are chirping, and the Raiders fans have begun to practice their face paint and coordinating their outfits. Patriots and Seahawk fans have started designing their tattoos, while the Colts fans commence the yearly letting out their jerseys. The ones they didn’t wash all year, but somehow they all have shrunk! Yes, football is in the air. It’s that better than Christmas feeling. Well except in the deep dark emotional wasteland known as St. Louis. The town where the Grinch Stole Christmas and never gave it back. To help bring joy back to our friends the St Louis Rams fans hearts I have reached out to every team to give you a reason why you should root for them.

  • Cardinals – “Let us not get caught up on who walked out on who, remember the good times, We know what you want let’s get back together.”
  • Bears – “Half of us hate the Cubs more than you do, so we got that in common.”
  • Packers – “Nobody questions our Quarterback!”
  • Giants – “We got the juice boxes.”
  • Lions – “Shhh the Fords vision is based on movement.”
  • [*Redacted] s – “The only moving we will be doing is to a smaller stadium.”
  • Eagles – “We are like the Patriots but without the winning.”
  • Steelers – “Shut up we don’t need you.”
  • 49ers – “49ers rebuilding since 1999”
  • Browns – “Lebron just won, and the Indians have forgotten how to lose… we could be next we have RG III”
  • Colts – “We’ll hold the door…hold the door, holdthedoor, holddador, hodor.”
  • Cowboys – “We’re the party with Hookers and Blow.”
  • Chiefs – “Our city may say Kansas but we 100% misery… er Missouri.”
  • Chargers – “We may move to LA too so we got that in common.”
  • Broncos – “Like mystery? We don’t know if we have a QB on on roster either.”
  • Jets – “How many teams can claim people use them as a verb to describe other teams?”
  • Patriots – “Honestly we don’t even know what we are going to do when Tom Brady retires.”
  • Raiders – “Want to relive 2015 where the Owners hate the fans and cannot wait to get out? We have the team for you!”
  • Titans – “April in Nashville is always an exciting time!”
  • Bills – “Wolfman Rob and Rex Ryan. We make the Gronks look like the Partridge family.”
  • Vikings – “Watch us beat the NFC North like they were a two yr old!”
  • Falcons – “Do you like Pokemon Go? We got a shit load of Pokemon crawling around.”
  • Dolphins – “Peyton Manning said he is cheering us on, why not you?”
  • Saints – “Have you accepted Breesus into your life?”
  • Bengals – “At least we get to the playoffs. We don’t win them, but we get there.”
  • Seahawks – “2016 is a big year for us. Two huge miles stones this year: 40 yrs in the NFL and five years with fans”
  • Buccaneers – “Our QB comes with free crab legs.”
  • Panthers – “We are sorry about the dab, see we can admit our mistakes, and we are winning.”
  • Jaguars – “Have you seen our owner? Our helmets are pretty much a mullet. Take us with you!”
  • Ravens – “Look at all we have in common we lost a team and got a new one… race riots, Baltimore is the St. Louis of the East Coast.”
  • Texans – “We’re not the Cowboys.”

 

  • Rams – “Look we both said dumb things. Sure it was mostly you. But we will take you back when that hot chick from LA gets bored with us in 6 weeks.”
0 0 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
49 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

◾Broncos – “Like mystery? We don’t know if we have a QB on on roster either.”

“Meh, what the hell; didn’t have one last year and won a few games.”

jjfozz

Ravens Fan – If the game isn’t exciting, a few hours in downtown Baltimore will get your heart racing!

blaxabbath

“But be careful. Their marquees have FLASHING lights. Woo boy!”

– Joe F.

packman_jon

Packers – “Nobody questions our Quarterback(‘s Sexuality)!”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I don’t know why everyone is questioning Aaron Rodgers’ sexuality when his brother is the one who chose to go live in a house with like twenty other handsome men.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Jump on (and break) the Buffalo Bills Band-Table! In addition to the Ryan Brothers AND superior regional food options, St. Louisans can bask in the familiar glow of a crippling inferiority complex focused around larger regional neighbors (Chicago, New York City).

...

More pros for converting to Bears fandom:

– Most of us are fat slobs. (Mid-western solidarity!)
– Casual racism is a fun hobby of ours, too.
– You can easily hate our quarterback!

packman_jon

No matter what you think about Cutler, it doesn’t matter! He doesn’t give a shit about you!

Fronkenshteen

http://25.media.tumblr.com/ff9d9d49bc29654be061f34b725bc57b/tumblr_mgc68rkoe21qawlwvo1_500.gif
So…not to upset or offend anyone, but what is the site’s attitude toward fantasy football? I love to bullshit about it, and it’s a hell of a nice obsession during the season, but the only people in my life I can talk about it with are in the league I’m in, so that’s no good.
I’m pretty bad at it. Last year, I picked CJ Anderson 9th overall. 2 years ago, I took Doug Martin with the #1 pick, because the day before the draft, TB acquired Logan Mankins.
This year, for the first time, I have to choose 4 players to keep from last years team. I’m sure I’ll fuck the whole thing up.
I know fantasy is annoying to those who don’t play, but is there enough interest here to warrant an open thread per week during camp/preseason and maybe a Sunday morning thread during the season? That way we wouldn’t clutter up other comment threads, like I’m doing now.
Just wondering.
http://38.media.tumblr.com/06c6bfa8fd3070d83aef7f3dc3bf55b5/tumblr_n0fiq7l2m51rwzcw7o4_250.gif

...

There’s been a KSK/DFO league the last couple seasons, so I’m sure you’ll have folks here willing to indulge your hobby.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

I think a weekly column/safe space would be reasonable. Just don’t go around trying to dispense advice on how to get your girlfriend to try anal.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Now hold on sec there….

Senor Weaselo

Is this girlfriend you speak of a long-distance relationship?

blaxabbath

FF gets it’s share around here — and I say that as someone who plays but doesn’t actually give a damn about it*. I do, however, wish topics were more specific than ‘Play X or Y’ or ‘Sleepers who might have a big week!’. Like, give me some overview about TEs as a the Flex guy or something and then get to the specific mailbag questions that likely don’t relate to me because my team is bad.

*Yes – because I suck at it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I don’t care about the post…. BUT THAT GIF SETUP IF FUCKING FANTASTIC!!

Don T

Yep, great setup.

Sill Bimmons

I did a 20-team league with more stats on offense and way more stats on D/ST and everybody seemed to have a good, dumb time with it so I’m going to do it again next season.

jjfozz

My knee feels as if it’s constructed of mashed potatoes, straw, and broken razor blades. Fuck everything.

Also, I am going on vacation in six days with my in laws, featuring my religious mother in law.

I’d rather have a railroad spike driven into my femur.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Ask her to do a faith healing on your knee. Either you’ll feel better or she’ll have one more subconscious reason to doubt that a Jew almost 2000 years dead is taking a personal interest in her life.

Assuming “religious” means evangelicalish Christian. If she’s a devout Zoroastrian, then I’m not sure how to help you.

jjfozz

She’s Catholic but might as well be a rabid evangelical, like the rest of her family, who hate Catholics because they are “doing it all wrong.”

Buying a GIANT bottle of Buffalo Trace tonight.

...

Religious in-laws? Sounds like a spike through each hand/wrist.

Sill Bimmons

+4 stigmata

packman_jon

Do what Fivehead did: remove your emotions and become a cyborg

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

“Do what Fivehead did…”

I thought this was dangling in a very different direction…

laserguru

I can offer advice on any knee issues you may have.

Christ knows I’m experienced enough.

jjfozz

Right now, it’s quiet. I’m thinking maybe a meniscus tear or general old agedness. I’m leery about going to a doctor cause I’m ascared.

laserguru

It’s not that terrible. If they get the surgery right you will be your old self in about 4-6 weeks.
Plus meds!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, here at DFO we can only drive railroad spike into your anus; we’ll use lots of lube and be gentle so as not to inflict damage.

*Unless Old School Zero loses his grip and it turns into an embarrassing ER X-ray.

Fronkenshteen

Come to the Jets! You’re already used to struh-guh-ling, and you’re already stuffing ownership’s pockets with your money.
http://www.couponingtodisney.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/jj.jpg

nomonkeyfun

Don’t be a fan of the Giants. I saw that movie with my owner’s niece. Normally she looks really pretty. Not as pretty as Abby, but pretty. But anyway she looked really scary, like one of those people from some crazy college like Stanford. I was so scared of girls I ran to Pey-Pey, he told me that it was just “acting” like when he is really just a t-bagger but, no one thinks he’s a poopy head but me.
PS. See the picture below. Meany Pey-Pey sends it to me everyday. I don’t want to tell Abby, otherwise she’ll take my phone away again, and I won’t be able to play angry birds anymore.
-Elisha
http://screenrant.com/wp-content/uploads/Rooney-Mara-Girl-With-the-Dragon-Tattoo.jpg

...

Let’s be honest, Elisha is playing Pokemon Go right now and Pey-Pey is seriously debating whether to stop him from running into traffic.

packman_jon

He’s already in trouble
comment image

laserguru

Los Angeles: Dude she’s moved on. She’s not coming back. If you call again I’m getting a restraining order.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Trust me, nobody here wants them back. After the owner calls your city a flaming trash pile, you really put them in the rear-view mirror. The fanbase is generally ok from the people I’ve talked to. We loved the Rams, terrible, boring years notwithstanding, but this was a relationship that ended with them publicly trashing us. I hope the players do well, no animosity there. I hope Stan Kroenke somehow loses all of his money and is forced to pawn his hairpiece, though.

Sill Bimmons

At the least I hope he has to sell Arsenal.

I don’t like being forced to hate Arsenal.

blaxabbath

I’m pretty sure no one can force you to do anything…

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

That mall security guard and her tazer made a pretty compelling case that she could force me to put on my pants.

Sill Bimmons
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You obviously have not met “Mistress Peggy” yet.

...

Well, once Shahid Khan is busted stroking his mustache after some absurd failed caper, the Jags could be yours!

blaxabbath

LA hollers out the window at STL — while the girl in discussion is blowing his roommate* on the back porch (because whores are whores).

*Roommate would be….Bakersfield?

ballsofsteelandfury

And she’ll be leaving in ten years anyway when she’s old and wrinkly and I’ve moved on to younger and better.

blaxabbath

To keep with the true LA spirit, RAMIT should never sign anyone beyond their rookie contract.

(Below: Rob Havenstein reaching out for a 3-year deal)

http://67.media.tumblr.com/8afc3b8bd685fac581de8c53085da478/tumblr_mj2wbqZ8LM1s01abmo1_500.jpg