Has It Been That Long…? Open Thread

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Webmaster: Dick Joke Blog at Evil Corp
DTZM escaped his dark timeline through a wormhole created by Lord Screech, after he destroyed Bayside for never allowing him to mate with Lisa Turtle.Zach now lives a quiet life in St. Louis with his wife, Darkest Timeline Kelly Kapowski.They have no children, but do have the world’s cutest dogs.
Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Hey there kids, it’s your Absent Stepfather, Darkest Timeline Zach Morris.  I was looking back fondly at the earlier days of this wonder site of dreams and wishes, and saw that the All-Star Game last season was our very first live blog here.  It really got me thinking about what we’re doing here, and why.

When this site was created, I never actually intended it to be a replacement for KSK.  It was a place where people who didn’t want to put up with the Nat Turners of the world could go to write our own posts and keep out the riff-raff.  It functioned that way at first, as a kind of on-the-side project.

When KSK kerploded after the season, we had a couple of options.  We could let all of you disenfranchised weirdos go off and make dick jokes and post boob gifs on other sites, or we could expand the site here to allow everyone a fun place to hang out.

And so, Football To The Groin was born.  (Wait, we called it WHAT?) We definitely experienced some growing pains, and have had our share of issues, like any startup.  We’ve also done all of this without asking you guys for money, or using ads to pay for server space or site upgrades.  I think it’s important to keep this site as an independent beast, and somewhere that you are proud to go.

All of this is due to the friendships that I developed at KSK, and I would never disparage the authors and creators at KSK by saying that we’re better.  We’re DIFFERENT.  This isn’t a job for any of us.  It’s a passion project that we keep afloat because we want it to succeed.

So here’s to another year of dick jokery.  Thank you guys and gals for sticking with us.  We’re going to upgrade the look of the site soon and we’ll keep trying to improve the place as we go to help make this the friendliest, most accepting football dick joke blog on the interwebz.  Tell your friends, bring your neighbors, and let’s make this year the year Door Flies Open blows up!

(Then, maybe I can sell the joint.)

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris
Darkest Timeline Zack Morris
DTZM escaped his dark timeline through a wormhole created by Lord Screech, after he destroyed Bayside for never allowing him to mate with Lisa Turtle. Zach now lives a quiet life in St. Louis with his wife, Darkest Timeline Kelly Kapowski. They have no children, but do have the world's cutest dogs.
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blaxabbathUnsurprisedWCSWakezillaWhyEaglesWhy Recent comment authors
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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

From Werner Herzog’s AMA in response to what is your favorite animal:

“A falcon, for example, from the place where I live. There’s a tall tree in the distance, and there’s a wonderful falcon out there. And I love hummingbirds, when it comes to birds for example. What other animals do I like…I like cats, because they’re so strange sometimes. And you see them on the internet, the crazy cat videos for example, and I’m a fan of them. What else, what other animals? Well that’s basically it.”

The idea of Werner Herzog watching, or even better, watching and narrating to himself, videos of cats on Youtube makes me so giddy and delighted I can’t even describe.

Wakezilla

So. . .

That wasn’t the new lyrics to O’Canada the Tenors were singing?

Does anyone know the new lyrics to O’Canada?

Happy Birthday DFO!

WCS

Is it this?

WhyEaglesWhy

Well done! I was only at KSK for two seasons before it went kablooey, but I knew I’d found a home. I’m so glad that camaraderie is back (in pog form!) in a new way here at DFO. I’m also appreciative that I’ve been welcomed to contribute despite the fact that my output is lower than most…er, all of the other writers. I love you guys.

WCS

Shouldn’t you be throwing batteries at an anthropomorphic children’s character? Elisha doesn’t count.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised
Unsurprised

FUUUUUUCK

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I managed to completely out-idiot myself.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Finally got back from work and have poured myself some of this Left Hand Rye on the Prize. It’s an Imperial Red Rye Ale–crisp, there’s a lot more head than in my love life, it’s a beautiful dark color, you can really taste the hops up front, and it goes down smoother than Jack Palance’s lung cancer. All in all, I give it an eight, for how many hours until I have to get up and try and finish the work I didn’t get done tonight.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

“Former standout running back Franco Harris said he had doubts about the veracity of the statements in the documents.

‘If (John Doe 150) didn’t call the police, if he didn’t call child services, if he didn’t call the department of public welfare, something’s not adding up,’ Harris said. ‘And they want me to connect Joe Paterno to what this kid is saying?'”

http://gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/arnold-shutup-kindergarten-cop.gif

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

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Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

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herodotus450
herodotus450

The strategy is simple: wait out the battery. In an hour at most it will die and those cups will be sitting ducks!

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Lifehack: Retrofit the docking station to the pong table.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Obviously they should be using the roombas which do wet mopping, scubas I think they’re called. No cleanup!

herodotus450
herodotus450

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

The readers of the Trib get one right!

Do you think Kenny Chesney should come back to Pittsburgh next year?
33%
Yes
44%
No
23%
No opinion

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

“That’s racist!”

— Riley Cooper

blaxabbath

Peter King actually just DM’d me on Twitter.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Did it just say “Maybe?”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

What did he say? Is he a fan of the site?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
blaxabbath

Oh I went to bed right after posting this. Sorry.

He said ‘I have never said that’ in response to me saying he wanted to put Sharper in the HOF. Granted, he is correct but I’m blaming my sources without revealing them.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Eat it
EAT THE MUFFIN
Eat it
EAT THE MUFFIN

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

This is the funniest fucking ad EVAR

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

https://youtu.be/DcotYF3aNVM

This guy’s taint is insane…

theeWeeBabySeamus
theeWeeBabySeamus
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Nice combo there, Mister.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

So NBC is tape delaying the fucking Olympics again.

God I hate NBC…

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

“What is DVR?”

— NBC Executives

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

No, it’s so they have time to “construct the narrative” instead of just letting us watch all the competitors.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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theeWeeBabySeamus
WCS
JustStopDude
JustStopDude

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Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

NOW Marte works a walk?

theeWeeBabySeamus
JustStopDude
JustStopDude
WCS
Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

A bit behind on the All Star Game (top 6th), but I just had to listen to Joe Buck call Tony Gwynn’s favorite hitting spot the “6.5 hole.”

It’s the “5.5 hole,” you god damn fucktard! Jesus tap dancing Christ, are you kidding me?! You don’t even know, do you? Get hit by a bus, Joe.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

It took an inning and a half for a staffer to correct him.

http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/2012/01/dismissive_wanking.gif

blaxabbath

Why’s it called that?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

It’s the space between the SS and 3rd basemen, which are referred to as the 5th and 6th positions when keeping score.

Wakezilla

5.5 hole? isn’t that the thigh?

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

The GWOT certainly has been good for our nation’s military decorations industry!

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I found it. The worst video on Youtube.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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WCS

I thought the “worst video on youtube” would include John Ashcroft rapping.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

You added an extra p

WCS

What in the flying piss was that, FOX?

theeWeeBabySeamus

I was wondering that too. Then I saw the legs and forgot to be pissed.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
WCS

Drew’s Chopped episode is on.

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Enrique Iglesias – Hero – YouTube

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Unsurprised
Unsurprised
Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

One is a spherical object much larger than its more successful counterpart that is useful only for clownish sideshow exhibitions involving complete losers, and the other is a softball.

blaxabbath

What a fat fuck.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

A Lethal Weapon teevee show.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Almost verbatim my reaction when I saw the promo the first time.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Hooray for FTTG!

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

” Just so no one forgets, the Eagles are the team that looked at the Jets when they had Sanchez and Tebow and thought “man, that’s a pretty good QB group”.”

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

“What do Garrett Reid and the Eagles Dream Team have in common? Neither woke up.”

Oh fuck. That’s so dark Chip Kelly traded it for two undrafted Samoans.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I was going to get a growler of Lemon Blonde, too, and just get drunk off my ass.

Good going, Unsurprised. Really good move.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Thanks, DTZM, for organizing our little weird corner of the internet. And thanks to all of you for (generally) putting up with each other and providing us all with a forum for SPROTS, NOT-KHARAKTERS, adventure stories, dick jokes, and occasionally posts of our own.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
theeWeeBabySeamus
King Hippo

Every time I see a Kosmo Kramer pic or gif (after the nightclub incident), I imagine him cornering Jerry in his apartment and trying to explain Dominionist racial theory to him.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Good thing for Michael Richards that he’s so physically unremarkable and can just sort of blend into a crowd if he needs to go outside.

King Hippo

that made me giggle quite a bit, huzzah good sir!

Redshirt

I say we treat this like the Papal election in 1271. Lock the President, Congress and the Supreme Court in the House Chambers. Only give them bread and water, no A/C or heat, and they can’t come out until they agree on a solution to immigration, gun rights, health care, updated human rights and any other issues they may have.

blaxabbath

Cut out the bread, water, and ability for them to get out and you’ve got yourself a deal!

Redshirt

Please! The first word I mentioned was “lock”.

King Hippo

Give ’em all some PCP and you can put it on pay-per-view and settle some budgetary shortfalls, at least.