Welcome to the (Barely Televised) New EPL Season!

As you know, our friends at Foxy Footy hoisted the trophy last season. Without exception, every single media outlet and independent prognosticator (that I have come across, anyway) sees a season of retrenchment at hand. In short…a return to dull normalcy with the heavy hitters dominating at the top.

Sadly…I have to agree. Leicester still have Vardy from their spine, but without the sold (to Chelski) Kante and perhaps without Player of the Year Riyahd Mahrez (who has handed in a transfer request, with Leicester resisting a move this window at least). Midfield was the heart of things for the Foxes, and with the added strain of Champions League games, Top 6 seems more ceiling than floor.

While you will see many predicting a fast return to glory for Chelski, Manure (not going to happen until they have the balls to phase out Wayne Rooney), or – gag – the Redshite of Liverpool, I think legendary gay bar Man City will finally play up to its massive potential under Pep Guardiola, and blow everyone away. If anyone gives them a run for their money, it will be Arsenal, followed by Spurs.

Southampton could have been a sleeper side coming into the season, but had their manager poached by Everton (MY team WOO!!). Everton as a sleeper? NOPE, they have looked like shit in pre-season and have struggled to come together as a unit after a disastrous, listless second half of last season. The Blues’ transfer activity has been slow to come together as well, with Ronald Koeman saying he expects 3-4 new faces in the squad NOT available for week 1. I’m sure that starting XI will feel great about their place in the team and be well-motivated for a tough challenge against Spurs.

You may have noticed that NBC likes to focus its broadcast advertising efforts on the Olympics. So where does that leave Opening Day? CNBC, baby! Go ahead, try to find it. We can wait. Leicester takes on Hull at 7:30 EST, followed by Everton/Spurs at 10. If you have a strong enough stomach, stick with the C for City’s murdering of perpetual relegation battler Sunderland at 12:30.

I’ve had people tell me Bournemouth is a team to watch, and people peg the Cherries for certain relegation. Their first step is against Manure Sunday morning (8:30, NBCSN). That’s right, back to a real network. Probably because of the next fixture, the Shite against the Arseholes (11:00).

Monday Night Footy is also a good matchup, but not QUITE NBCSN good with Olympic commercials to sell. It’s USA network for Chelski and West Ham. Any team that has French superstar Dimitri Payet can’t be counted out for a European place, or even Top 4, and the Hammers do have one of those. Hippo jelly? HIPPO JELLY!!!

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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ballsofsteelandfury

Those are words to live by!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower

It’s 91 here but feels like 104.

I am jerking off to women’s water polo, but mostly for the pool.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It’s 79 here, but feels more like 71……..

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Comfort of Colorado joke; sorry.

Horatio Cornblower

I see Sunderland has started off as expected.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

She’s lucky she’s not African American. Which brings up the question; how many people die with a vibrator in their hands?

...

I feel like this is one of those questions a fancy but slightly odd consulting firm would ask you in a job interview.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Your link brings up some questions; Since she seems to a regular at Joe’s Crab Shack: did she use said device at the restaurant? After said device hit the officer, was he moist in the area of impact?

I am just asking without intent of establishing motive.

...

I remember this story when it came out (I grew up in the area and know exactly which Joe’s Crab Shack this was) and the device was at home. Not sure who would pleasure themselves at a chain restaurant by the highway and somehow not be noticed, but who knows?

And the answer to your moist question will probably go with the office to his grave.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OK, did that particular Joe’s Crab Shack smell any Joe’s Crab Shack-ier?

My experience with that place is that as long as you stayed at your table people would ignore it, since the cacophony of children/ parents yelling would drown out any gasps of pleasure.

...

I’ve never been in that particular chain restaurant (Gurnee has a shitton of them because it has no culture of its own) but I’m sure it’s about average in terms of smelliness.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OK; we really don’t have enough data for an conclusions. These questions just may be unanswered and disappear in the mists of time.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
laserguru

That looks suspiciously like a bacon wrapped pork loin.

Fuck, now I’m hungry too.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

On another note; I think the Donks are deep at a lot of positions and the headlines decrying their precipitous demise are a bit exaggerated.

http://67.media.tumblr.com/5396dfb1c824bf96ddf417752ad07687/tumblr_obqhb8Ols91qz5q5oo1_1280.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That’s funnier if it wasn’t intended for the picture above.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Fronkenshteen

Spurs equalize!

Fronkenshteen

comment image

ballsofsteelandfury

So, does Chang sell elephants, ivory, or water fountains?

Unsurprised

Opium?

Horatio Cornblower

Didn’t the season just end?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Gonna go medicate myself.
It’s Saturday. Morning drinking is ok…right?
/joking….probably
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fCknJQpLjw

theeWeeBabySeamus

Should I or shouldn’t I dick up Hippo’s post?
Yeah, like I don’t dick up anyone’s posts….
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=324darD4SRs

BrettFavresColonoscopy

But which team does Hope Solo play for?

theeWeeBabySeamus

All of them, in a manner of speaking.

Don T

I wonder which Chelsea player will get his nose bitten off by Conte. Hopefully fookin John Terry

theeWeeBabySeamus

Shit dudes, it’s Saturday. Why start this up so early?
Go back to bed.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yeah. Sucks, huh?
Kudos on the banner image of the Kristen Bell doppelganger in the Everton digs tho. That at least got my blood pumping.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I bet she’s got an accent too.
/blood pumps harder
//harder….giggity

Looks like somebody has a grudge against the stock market.

Unsurprised