Your Thursday Night Football Open Thread

Somewhere in China, an orphaned baby girl is smiling for no reason that she can determine. No, it’s not because “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” were able to finally come up with the extra $500 “processing and fondling fee” on top of the $99.99 sale price. She’s smiling because after what seems like an interminable amount of time football is on again and the universe has once again achieved balance. Some kids can just feel this sort of thing in their unwanted bones. Shall we take a look at tonight’s offerings? Oh, and best of luck, Addison Zoe Brooklyn Smith-you’re one of the lucky ones.

Philly/Pit-The Steelers are a not-whelming 2-12 in their last 14 preseason games. [Landry Jones shakes his fist at the heavens and yells, “GIVE ME SOMETHING TO WORK WITH, DAMMIT!] The Eagles traded for Dorial Green-Beckham-the Missouri, Oklahoma and Titans fella who is all kinds of “raw” (code for ‘when he actually runs the right route he usually drops the pass’) but has the kind of body that makes talent evaluators the league over go ga-ga. Rb Matthews will be down and out at some point so you smarter-than-the-average-bear fantasy players should be checking out Wendell Smallwood. I nominate this game as the most boring of the evening.

Cincy/Det-Last week’s Steelers killers-the Lions-now set their sights on the Bengals. Did you know that Detroit has won 4 of their last 5 games going back to the end of last year’s regular season? How is this relevant? It isn’t. Head Lampshade Caldwell was absolutely effusive when talking about 3rd string qb Jake Rudock and his 8 of 11 completion %. “He’s got a long way to go” said the only coach in the NFL with a sponsorship deal from GE Lighting. Rook wr Tyler Boyd burned a nobody for a 40 yd. grab last week in a one point loss to the Vikes. Huzzah! The Red Rifle has someone else to pass to other than A.J. Green!

Atl/Cle-I kinda feel sorry for unsigned Roddy White but it was fairly obvious that he had lost at least one or maybe 39 steps last year [checks off  “Alfred Hitchcock-centric sports reference” from bucket list]. Aldrick Robinson is looking to lock down the 4th wr spot for the Falcons after torching his old team-the Redacteds-for 118 yds. last week. This is life on the bubble for a shit ton of players that you’d never hear about unless you write preseason game intros for a not-living. Speaking of which, where in the world is Dwight Freeney? He’s whoring for Atlanta this year. On the other side of the ball, soon-to-be-fired Hue Jackson is excited about his new but really slightly re-cycled trio of wr’s. Josh Gordon, Tyrell Pryor and Corey Coleman are expected to remind Browns fans of the halcyon days of the likes of Dante “Gluefingers” Lavelli and…others. I’m going out on a limb and wager that after a 2 year suspension, Gordon’s lower limbs are as fresh as this morning’s bagels.

Chi/NE-Unlike Gronk, the Bears didn’t score at all last week. It was against the Broncs but that hasn’t stopped some from hand-wringing. Look Bears fans, you’re gonna be just fine with rb Matt Forte piling up the yards like he always does. I’ve no doubt that…what?…Forte has moved on? Jeremy Langford is at the controls now? Whooo boy! If you were thinking about getting a look at Brady tonight, he’s scheduled for “little or no snaps”. You will get an eyeful of Chris Hogan, a recent signee/Bills escapee and soon to be severely-concussed wr. The Pats were no doubt seduced by his league-leading 8.5% dropped passes. HOPE YOU LIKE THREE YARD SLANTS, CHRIS!

Oak/GB-Khalil Mack’s nickname is “Jihad”? Khalil Mack “The Knife” is the better way to go. [checks off Bertholt Brecht-centric sports reference from bucket list] The Raiders slow creep to football relevance continues afresh this evening. This team is doing its best to engender closeness-so much so that Derek Carr and Amari Cooper were forced to sleep together at camp! I’m surprised this isn’t bigger news. Stupid liberal media. On the field, most of the action at qb will be seen by Cook Matt Connor McGloin. UNDERDOG WHITE WR FROM SMALL COLLEGE MAKING AN IMPACT AT TRAINING CAMP ALERT! Jared Abbredis (last name rhymes with ‘cadabra’) is showing all those ‘big city’ receivers types how things are done down in the cornfields from wherever he’s from. You can catch him playing later on in the game-after he’s let the cows in. That wasn’t an Eddie Lacey joke, by the way.

 

Min/Sea-For some reason all I can think about is watching “Mind of Min/Sea.” It wasn’t a very good show. This doesn’t give any credit to a game that should be good for one, two, maybe even three quarters. Much like all of last year, Jimmy Graham won’t see any footballs tonight. Serves you right, Notre Dame grad. [uses deepest voice] You’ll never find…Rawls on the field either. Head WTC 7 Case Carroll always does things a wee bit differently. He was given a basketball player and he’s trying to convert him to…left tackle?… Good Luck, George Fant of the Western Kentucky Hilltoppers, may your hopes and beams never melt!

[wipes hands on shirt] Okay, that’s over and done. Let’s all sit back and relax in our liqour cabinets, shall we?

 

 

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
516 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
litre_cola

Is I Jones that bad or is the Iggles D actually going to be ok?

litre_cola

She is kinda funny but way too much of a man hater for me. Funny in Seinfeld though.

Shogun Marcus

Well that was an alright first drive, capped by non-fat Lacy.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Sill Bimmons

If there are any young players reading, don’t do anything you saw anyone do in this game so far and you’ll be fine.

Sill Bimmons

jeebus wept

Sill Bimmons

Worse performance: Landry Jones’ three picks or the Eagles offense not being able to do shit with the two that didn’t get returned?

Sharkbait

Yes.

Gratliff

You had to ask

Brocky

Competence from bears offense???????

It’ll be attributed to brady not playing

Gratliff

Oh hey, look at Agholor not dying.

Brocky

My thoughts on announcers who try to hard to find storylines in preseason:

comment image

Gratliff

It’s just not the same without the sudden chokeslam attempt

litre_cola

I just want to hear the dulcet tones of Smoooovveee Charlie B.

Sill Bimmons
ArmedandHammered

Really, three interceptions in the end zone. At least he is consistent.

WCS

“Who needs touchdowns?”

— Landry Jones

Gratliff

Also a japanese wrestler in the strictest, technical sense.comment image

Brocky

Stupid question: is it too early for boobs?

I mean in terms of moderation, can’t play your trump cards too early

Spanky Datass

Fred Astaire joke! Drink!

Unsurprised

My body hates me

Gratliff

Oh neat. Forgot about the NXT special on Saturday.

comment image

litre_cola

Holy Fuck, just out of principle for their bad commercials I would never use Nationwide. My tolerance for bad commercials is low, got to get ready for the night games. Although it is only a matter of time til Redzone has commercials.

Sharkbait

I maintain Kars 4 kids is the worst. Not to mention the “charity” it benefits.

Beerguyrob
Sill Bimmons

What’s the difference between The Walking Dead and Fear The Walking Dead?

WCS

One has people giving bland dialogue on land, the other has people giving bland dialogue at sea.

Sill Bimmons
Gratliff

Is it fear? That stands out the most.

Sill Bimmons

See, that’s what I thought, but apparently it’s the setting.

theeWeeBabySeamus

The only difference you need to know about, right here.
http://pthumb.lisimg.com/image/5856402/411full.jpg

Gratliff
Unsurprised

Why not both?

WCS

Stillers are so toast if THE BEN gets any OUCHIES in PAINSPOTS this season.

Sill Bimmons

THE SNACK BAR WILL NOT HAVE CHOCO TACOS

Beerguyrob

Olympics has 1500m men’s semis and shot put finals.

Beerguyrob

I chose working and selling beer over going to the Seahawks game and drinking tonight.

I believe that I have made the right decision, but was it the right decision?

Sharkbait

Pre season? Yes. You’d be paying to watch 3rd and 4th stringers. Regular season? You would have chosen…poorly.

Gratliff

So apparently unprotected headbutts are becoming a thing in NJPW. I can’t think of a single way this could go wrong.

http://static1.squarespace.com/static/522a2049e4b0a0ce717e990c/568bc2f3a128e6a4d7075773/568bc2f32399a30df615cf49/1451999999112/headbutts.gif

Beastmode Ate My Baby

I’m listening to the Metallica link while watching this GIF.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I can’t wait to have the Bears look even worse this week than last and see the pandemonium start in earnest.

Sill Bimmons

hoo boy

WCS

I’d say never change, Landry, but, I know you never will.

ArmedandHammered

Is Cleveland from Family Guy one of the people calling the Steelers game?

Sill Bimmons

Smoove Chas Batch AKA Imhotep

litre_cola

Charlie Batch sounds like he is going to break in to a smoooove jammm at any minute.

Sill Bimmons

comment image

WCS

BLEERGH DEMANDS PRESEASON TRIBUTE

Sharkbait

Praise be to our yellow overlord!

Shogun Marcus

Holy shitsnacks! New old-sounding Metallica! And it doesn’t suck! Where the hell has this been for the last 25 goddamn years?!

http://youtu.be/uhBHL3v4d3I

Sill Bimmons

comment image

comment image

Shogun Marcus

Sadly accurate.

Kungjitsu

More like Meh-tallica. It sounds like all the stuff on Death Magnetic.

litre_cola

Anyone think Landry Jones will morph into Kyle Orton as the years go by? Both in ability and aww shucksness?

Sill Bimmons

He wishes.

Sharkbait

Stuck at work with no Football. But yay field hockey?

Sill Bimmons

Landry Jones: Not good at the passballing.

WCS

Landry gon’ Landry.

litre_cola

Gettin really sick of checkdown Bradford and it was he 2nd series of the season. Oh this season is going to be painful.

But hey we have a punter!

Gratliff

But not a kicker!

Sill Bimmons

Whew! Got a professional thread up!

Beerguyrob

Hey!

Sill Bimmons

I was referring to the weak thread I posted earlier, the text of which consisted of three words.

Sill Bimmons

Nope, referring to how lazy it was.

Beerguyrob

Ohh…

/gently massages ego

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Clearly it’s preseason for the cameramen too in this Pittsburgh-Philadelphia game. Did they bring in Paul Greengrass as a guest director or something?

Gratliff

Yay a thing

litre_cola

Heyward Bey with a drop? That’s unpossible.

Sill Bimmons

If he could catch he’d be a wide receiver!

Gratliff

“Those of you living near where these people are playing are not going to get to watch it because we didn’t get enough money. Thanks for that extra 15 a month you’re paying for this cable tier, fucktards.”

Sharkbait

Unacceptable.

1 2 3 5