JV NFL Methadone Window is OPEN!!

Yes, my friends, ESPN is #branding this as the bestest gosh darned opening weekend you ever did see…but for reals, that is really more about name value and TOP matchups. It sure as shit ain’t about depth. As you will note in my viewing guide below, your remote control batteries will get a RedZone Channel sized rest this soggy (yeah, East Coast Bias TILL I DIE, muthaflippas) September Saturday.

Georgia Tech vs. Boston College (7:30 am, ESPN2)

I dunno exactly WHY we are so hell bent on making the people of Ireland like terrible college footy. I was going to compare it to the degradation of the Old Firm Lesser Footy rivalry, but that’s fookin’ Scotland. Anyway, read the linked article and ya’ll larn soomet, ya bloody yank. You don’t want to set your alarm for this, which may or may not count in the ACC standings. It will have no bearing on who loses to Louisville/FSU/Clemson for the league title.

Oklahoma at Houston (noon, ABC)

Hey, give credit where credit’s due – no matter how much teevee green they threw at Bob Stoops…this is a ballsy opener to agree to, especially on the road. The Cougars are a tough foe, and likely the only legit Cinderella contender to run the table and earn a seat at the grown-ups’ table in January. The Big 12 is a shade down this season, so Boomer Sooner could also use a statement win for style points.

Missouri at West By God Virginia (noon, FS1)

HAI, cousinfuckers!! We see you over there. This is mostly a viewer’s guide for WCS, so he don’t forget. But in case Okie shits all over Houston, a backup plausible option is nice to have. Mizzou could hang around. Or not, it’s week one and the fuck do I know about anything??

UCLA at Texas A&M (3:30, CBS)

This is a really interesting table setter game. The Aggies are unranked (how can this be PAWWWWWLLLL??), but you know there will be raw talent and a hostile atmosphere. Josh Rosen is a legitimate Jewish Heisman candidate, which would totes ruin OJ’s Fred Goldman joke. SUCH A PITY. Anyway, the Bruins will start getting national playoff contender talk if’n they win in College Satition. BUHLEE DAT!

LSU at Wisconsin (3:30, ABC)

This is on the not yet frozen tundra of Lambeau Field, for the first time EVAR. Sadly, Keith Jackson is dead, and Les Miles was almost fired one year before he could have munched this rarified sod. I literally can’t smgdh enough. My brain is so fucked, I was sure Miles actually WAS fired before I Googled him to find out where he was now, and who replaced him. Holy fuck, am I ever stupid.

Georgia vs. U*NC (5:30, ESPN)

The Dawgs are still starting the sad sack reject QB who couldn’t cut it at UVA. This ain’t a good sign. If I am dead by my own hand on Sunday, it’s because the Cheaters won in the Dome.

Southern Cal vs. Alabama (8:00, ABC)

This game has the fun/interesting backstory of the Trojans coming to Tuscaloosa to play Bear Bryant’s all-white Tide, and whipping their asses. Supposedly, Bear scheduled it as a “lesson” to the Board of Trustees as to why he needed to be able to recruit black athletes. Because he knew any argument based on simple human decency wouldn’t be worth his breath. Local black folks – barred from the segregated stadium – sat on a nearby hill and cheered every SC touchdown. Long story short, fuck Alabama.

Clemson at Auburn (9:00, ESPN)

Another bit of good scheduling, by Clemson’s idiot savant Dabo Swinney. Go on the road, get tested in a VERY hostile environment on the Plains…but almost surely win the game. This should help when those tough Louisville and Florida State games come ’round the bend. Plus, good teevee.

BYU vs. Arizona (10:30, FS1)

The always popular insomniac/DVR/West Coast/tweaker special. I know nothing about either side this season.

Notre Dame at Texas (Sunday – 7:30, ABC)

Sigh. Too bad the Longhorns still suck out loud.

Ole Miss vs. Florida State (Monday – 8:00, ESPN)

Chad Kelly, ultimate redneck QB for Johnny Reb, is still kicking around. Perhaps they can make things interesting, though FSU is so loaded for bear on D, it will be hard for even Jimbo Fisher to screw it up. And that’s saying somethin’ coming from me.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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herodotus450
Fronkenshteen

Deep cut
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Croooow

Kansas Football is undefeated.

theeWeeBabySeamus

So is Gardner-Webb.

Sill Bimmons

So is Lafayette.

herodotus450

Looks like it’s time to go read some insane Game of Thrones fan theories

herodotus450
ThursdaySkyGoddess

Everyone is a secret Targaryen.

herodotus450

Ha! That’s exactly the theory I was reading. And they all make so much sense…

theeWeeBabySeamus

Very possibly.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Or maybe not. Aubie looks they want to break a Deshaun.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Never mind…it weren’t a Deshaun.
Same point tho.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I hit Cutler levels of not caring about the Alabama/SCU game so I went and watched the pilot of You’re the Worst because some of you were talking about it the other day. It was pretty great.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Fuck I hate Clemson.
It’s gonna kill me when they win it all this year.

Sill Bimmons

When the licensing agreement comes through, this is the fantasy:

http://i101.photobucket.com/albums/m46/xxndmacxx/IMG_0823_Resized.jpg

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

why not just drive an s6

Shogun Marcus

Yeah! While you wait you might as well enjoy.

ballsofsteelandfury

Better get it quick. BMW quietly announced that they would be discontinuing the Z4.

Sill Bimmons

That’s a 2008 Z4M.

The last ZM car up until they killed it like you said.

It starts with a key, shifts with an all-gear lever, and looks like that.

Shogun Marcus

Germans seem to fear curves. Excluding Porsche obvs, errtime they start getting sexay, they slam their dick in the Door like they were puritans.

Shogun Marcus

Look at VW*, Merc, BMW. I’d say 80% of their respective outputs are kinda blah. The remaining 20% does a lot to make up for it tho.
*not counting all the lines VW owns/has stake in. There be lambos/audis/bugattis in there.

Shogun Marcus

Or…will they just renumber/reletter it like they have errthing else they got? Coming soon the B12! NEIN ES IST NICHT Z4!!! BUY ZIS NOW! SCHNELL!!!

Shogun Marcus

Not my thing personally, but I do see and appreciate the appeal.

Sill Bimmons

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Shogun Marcus

Personally I’m big on the current/upcoming Mazdas if we go strictly by money to fun ratio.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Dayum…Aubie gotz a kicker and a half. That woulda been good from 60+ I think.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Dear Lord, Spurrier channeling his inner Dabo.

Spanky Datass

If a TV sparts guy could ever be described as elegant, he was it. RIP.

Sill Bimmons

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ThursdaySkyGoddess

Pickerception!

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Bad Area™- Chris Fowler

Sill Bimmons

OWIESPOT — THE BEN

Sill Bimmons
theeWeeBabySeamus

LMAO…Clemson needs to designate one guy on punt coverage to look up.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Too much good shit watch
/needs moar TVs

Sill Bimmons

If you don’t want to get behind James Connor’s post-Hodgkin’s lymphoma/knee reconstruction Heisman candidacy you have no one to blame but yourself.

http://www.post-gazette.com/image/2015/09/08/ca0,0,2600,2600/20150905mfpittsports06-5.jpg

Sill Bimmons
theeWeeBabySeamus

LOL, that reminds me. At one point today…I swear…announcer said…
“Tar Heel D-line is just getting pounded by Chubb”

Hee hee

theeWeeBabySeamus

And yes…I did in fact yell PHRASING!!!

Sill Bimmons

You two and your NC State thing makes me long for the tender, nurturing relationship I’d have with WCS if he’d made better life choices.

theeWeeBabySeamus

It’s only tender because I haven’t yet talked him into spanking me. But there’s time…there’s time.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

College football was invented in 1869, Dr. Pepper was invented in 1885.

THAT LEAVES AT LEAST 16 YEARS THAT DR PEPPER WASNT FLOWING THROUGH COLLEGE FOOTBALL STADIUMS AND PROBABLY ANOTHER 100+ BEFORE ALL COLLEGE FOOTBALL STADIUMS WERE FULLY DR PEPPER CAPABLE THE MOAST BLATANT FALSE ADVERTISING IN ALL OF HISTORY

/so bored

ThursdaySkyGoddess

So creepy.

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Sill Bimmons

Precisely.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Heels turn it over on downs.
1:02 to go.
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theeWeeBabySeamus

Hippo…your multiple scores conditional has just been achieved.
PAT will make 33-24 Dawgs
I suspect they’ll go for the 2 however.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Nope, they kicked.
3 1/2 to go.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Battle of the Tigers starting now on ESPNNews btw. Just FYI.

herodotus450

The phrasing of “associated with” the university makes me wonder…
Includes coaches and staff as well as students maybe? Or they let people train at their facilities for a sufficient donation and they don’t have to go to class maybe.

Sill Bimmons

I guess all the people with “families that love them” and “rewarding social lives” are absent from this Labor Day Saturday Evening Not Even Pro Football Open Thread.

http://i2.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/001/296/morans.jpg

Solidarity brosephs!

http://www.polishgreatness.com/sitebuilder/images/Solidarnosc2-250×392.jpg

herodotus450

That adds up.

Sill Bimmons
ThursdaySkyGoddess

LOL Tide.

Sill Bimmons

If so I need to amend my Solidarity rally cry above.

Sill Bimmons

Hah! It was a smokescreen!

/it wasn’t a smokescreen

Sill Bimmons

Also, let’s not forget the distinct ambiguity surrounding Doktor Zymm.

The Commentist that uses that pseudonym has neither confirmed nor denied that they are not in fact a 16-year-old boy from Des Moines named Trevor.

Shogun Marcus

Gonna regret this immediately, but only 3 (ok 2 Sill) immediately come to mind including the goddess with us currently.

Shogun Marcus

Sonofa…I KNEW I was forgetting someone! Was unawares of VMB, welcome!

herodotus450

comment image?quality=65&strip=all&w=568

herodotus450

Hmmmm
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Sill Bimmons

moar liek MAD SHOPS, yo

herodotus450

The football (and sometimes baseball and hockey) name alert bot is overloading today after analyzing these two teams’ rosters:
Juju Smith-Schuster
Aca’Cedric Ware
Olajuwan Tucker
Wyatt Vinci

The log file ends there

herodotus450

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Sits next to Keith Jackson for 3 hours, never say a word.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Suddenly “Whoa Nellie” takes on new meaning.

Sill Bimmons

91% of Penn State grads think it’s perfectly OK for them to have a ceremony honoring the 50th anniversary of his first win on Sept. 17th.

It’s not a university, it’s a cult.

herodotus450

All you need to do is inform them of a heretofore unknown 2-10 season by Paterno, then 91% would be in favor of firing him posthumously

Sill Bimmons

If such a thing had happened at either school I attended I would have burnt my diploma on the steps of Pardee or The Cathedral.

Paterno people make sheep look like critical thinkers.

Sill Bimmons

Is this the ultimate college football meteor game?

http://24.media.tumblr.com/4019e2102b5ea4c2140f4da3b6316b85/tumblr_mi9w15yDMU1qebadgo1_500.gif

20 years ago I would have said that game would have to involve Notre Dame, but now I’m not so sure.

http://sports.cbsimg.net/u/photos/football/college/img25127794.jpg

http://usctrojans.cstv.com/blog/0111pc2.jpg

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Done with my test. So which late game(s) should I be watching?

Sill Bimmons

How do England blow this match against Slovakia tomorrow?

Missed penalty? Goalie howler? Stupid red card? MRSA outbreak?

Just bet your scones on it happening somehow.

Sill Bimmons

Sadly George Wendt is no longer in any condition to play the role.

herodotus450

Samantha Ponder going by Sam now, apparently. Probably thought the former was too specific and would link her to Christian.

Duchess

So who will be the next team to get a Dirty Sanchez since he got cut from the Broncos today?

Duchess

Welp apparently the Cowboys have already put in calls.

Sill Bimmons

Diverse crew.

Sill Bimmons

Also Lafayette.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hippo, now is not the time to turn ESPN.
You’ve been warned.

theeWeeBabySeamus

She gotz nice shoulders, eh?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hee hee
I know it made me feel better…well it made me feel something.

ballsofsteelandfury

UCLA WRs suck more dick than Jeff Stryker.

Brick Meathook

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Indeed.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yikes…they don’t score here that kid will be crying later.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh Aggies.
Good thing they didn’t kick now, huh?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Gary needs to shut up now. And learn how replay works.

theeWeeBabySeamus

More than me. I’d have kicked the fuck outta that one.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Don’t see any way to overturn that. Couldn’t tell whose knees were whose.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Thanks Gary…dumbass.

theeWeeBabySeamus

That would be awesome.