25 NFL Questions From An Uninformed and Easily Distracted Fan: Week 1

Last weekend, the NFL kicked off with a smattering of games, passes, runs, tackles, hits, gruesome injuries, concussions, and more family fun and plausible deniability for all ages.  As an homage to the overused sports writing trope of “[X number] Burning, Itching, Throbbing Questions for  [X Team/X Sport/X League]”, I present to you a list of questions that I, an uninformed and easily distracted NFL fan, had after Week 1.  For a point of reference, I watched Panthers v. Broncos, Bears v. Texans, about 5 minutes of San Diego v. Kansas City, and went to my  7 year-old son’s flag football game, where they lost by at least three touchdowns.


  1. Do you think Mark Davis did a fist-pump at P.F. Chang’s when the Raiders won last Sunday?
  2. Or did he high-five a fucking wasted Allen Iverson?
  3. Have you guys seen his modified mini-van from the 1990s (yes, that is a picture of his actual van)?
  4. Do you think Mark Davis’s van smells like menthols, Aqua-net, and stale beef stew, or is he a non-smoker?
  5. Did you know that if you “risk” going for two to win a game, you are statistically more likely to win than if  you play for overtime (Mike McCarthy does not know this)?
  6. Wouldn’t it be cool if everyone on the Raiders got their hair cut like Mark Davis to celebrate?
  7. Are all football coaches for youth flag football — I’m talking 6 to 8 year-olds — weirdly intense psychopaths?
  8. Shouldn’t they teach the kids to, like, I don’t know, throw and catch before installing zone blitz packages and double-reverse half-back passes?
  9. At least his coach isn’t Mark Trestman, right?
  10. Are the Rams so terrible that the majestic ram pictured above is embarrassed to be associated with them?
  11. Do you think the Rams have all been Ramming It too much since the team moved back to L.A.?
  12. In the video linked above, “Hurk”, the “Mountain Man from West V-A” claims that someone told him that you can ram it all day and ram it all night, which begs the question, how much ramming it can one do before they die of exhaustion?
  13. Speaking of death, what did Keenan Allen do to incur the wrath of BOLTMAN?
  14. Speaking of BOLTMAN, does it make you sad that he is just “Gary from Accounting” underneath the mask?
  15. This Kaepernick thing is really easy cannon fodder for horrible people that say NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE, right, Trent Dilfer?
  16. Are you surprised that Kate Upton has the same takes as your kind-of-dumb ex-military friend on this whole controversy?
  17. Was I taking a shit in my basement bathroom with the door open while the National Anthem played before the Bears v. Texans game (no disrespect, Marine Todd)?
  18. Should I respect Jay Cutler because he hangs tough in the pocket and has had terrible coaching and personnel support in his 8 years in Chicago, or hate him because he has the mechanics of 16 year-old JV quarterback and is married to a dumb, anti-vaxx, Z-list celebrity, one of whose kids will probably be patient zero within the next 10 years?
  19. How many draft picks will the Bears ill-advisedly trade for Jimmy Garoppolo at the end of the season?
  20. Which would be worse, a 3-hour road trip with Nick Saban or with Bill Belichick (No, you’re not going to the fireworks factory)?
  21. The best would probably be Pete Carroll, because you could talk about 9/11 or D.B. Cooper or Bigfoot the whole time, right?
  22. Pete Carroll definitely thinks Bigfoot is real, doesn’t he?
  23. Isn’t that why he moved to the Pacific Northwest?
  24. Did you guys see Beast Mode on the Bear Grylls show where they chase a wild hog off of a cliff, killing it, and then Bear lowers Marshawn down the cliff face on a line so Marshawn can pull up the dead hog, where they then cut off a piece of it to cook for dinner that night?
  25. How much Bort could a Blake Bortles Bort if a Blake Bortles could Bort Bort ?
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Moose -The End Is Well NighCuntlerUnsurprised...Don T Recent comment authors
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

This is fucking great. I hope this is as regular as me during fresh fruit and vegetable season.


Don T

Smoking is a great personality enhancer. In Mark Davis’s case, smoking would be an indicator of having some personality.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It got Richard Pryor some attention……


I regret that I can only click This Is Great once


I love these. So. Much.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Question 27: Are we sure Pete Carroll isn’t D.B. Cooper? I mean, are we?


That explains his bad back better that some football injury. I mean, come on, football? No one gets hurt playing football


Answer to 18: Yes.

Question 26: How did Kate Upton become a thing? I know, she’s hot and such, but how did you she become known? I can’t think of what she’s actually done besides Justin Verlander.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

She seemed fun and “approachable” at first, doing the “Dougie” and topless photo shoots on horses.


How much boob could a boob man boob, if a boob man could man boobs, man?


I’d bang out Cutler’s wife. I mean, she’s an accomplished fashion designer!



I don’t I’ve ever seen a woman this gorgeous with so little interesting or thoughtful inside her head.


You obviously haven’t visited Los Angeles


Touche. I’ve only seen the airport.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Me either; this is so surprising!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

“Well of course I’m not vaccinating my child, I’d rather have a dead one than an autistic one! Besides, when they had polio, it was called ‘The Greatest Generation’ for a reason. Tough stock of people.”


“Hell they had a President with polio, and he seemed to walk pretty good. You never saw a picture of him in a wheelchair.”


“And you know, if you decorate it correctly and get the right feng shui, an iron lung can really pull the room together.”

Horatio Cornblower

#10 is definitely yes.


Goddamn, that’s a lot of questions.

I would take the Pete Carroll road trip, because when we got to our destination, I would kill him with the knife pictured below, remove his head and boil off all the skin.

I would ship that skull, along with a gigantic bottle of Stolichnaya, to my father.

He has hated Pete Carroll for decades. He calls me up every time Seattle plays and starts the conversation with, “I fucking hate Pete Carroll. He’s a yo-yo.” FYI, if my father calls you a yo-yo, you are five steps below a child molester in his eyes.

Here is the knife:

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

This is better than mine; Buddy Ryan is really stinking up the trunk.


Pictured: What happens when you ram it all day and ram it all night for too long:


Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

A relevant question: Death or Ugu?


Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

Ram it? I prefer to Let It Whip.