Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 49)

The scene: Wally’s World of Waffles, where Future Clone Debbie Harry and PK are finishing off a 36-inch waffle. Granted, most of the ingestion was on PK’s side of the table. And there are two empty syrup jars in front of him. And a few empty plates that once had side-orders of ham. And a jam jar that looks like it was licked clean. Eww.

PK: Gosh, that was great! Real food again!

Future Clone Debbie Harry (taken aback a bit at the culinary devastation): You know, you weren’t trapped in the past that long…

PK (pouring the last bit of syrup into his coffee): It sure seemed like a long time! It’s like that time I had to wait in line at the Brainerd Lakes airport…

Future Clone Debbie Harry (cutting him off): Look, not that your stories aren’t riveting, but I really want to get going on this whole vengeance thing. So, what can you tell me about this club?

PK (eyeing the single strip of bacon on Debbie’s plate): Were you gonna eat that, or…?

Future Clone Debbie Harry (throwing the bacon at PK): Take it! For frek’s sake…

PK (soaking the bacon in the syrupy remains on his plate): Gee, I’m not sure how much I can help you. I mean, I was only a prospect.

Future Clone Debbie Harry (surprised): What?

PK: Sure, I mean…I was gonna be a full member some day, but…

Future Clone Debbie Harry (frostily): What?

PK (eating the syrup-soaked bacon): Gee, didn’t I tell you that?

Flashback to: 30,000 BC. Future Clone Debbie Harry is under the hood of Marc Trestmans Windowless Van’s van. PK is grovelling nearby.

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Well, the tech is primitive, but I think I can get it working again.

PK: Please take me with you…pleeeeeeasssse…!

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Eh? You’re still here? Look, thanks for helping me find this…vehicle…but I really don’t think I need you anymore.

PK: Pleeeeeeeaaaassseee! I can help you! I’ll do anything! You wanna destroy the DFO, right? I can help you with that! Just don’t leave me here!

Cut to: The present day again.

Future Clone Debbie Harry (getting irritated): No. No, you didn’t tell me that.

PK (shrugging): Must have been my low blood sugar. I get light-headed if I don’t eat for a few hours.

The waitress comes by the table, cocks an eyebrow at the carnage, and drops off the check. Future Clone Debbie Harry looks at it blankly.

PK (looking at Debbie expectantly): That’s the check.

Future Clone Debbie Harry (confused): OK…?

PK: For the waffles. And the ham. And the coffee. And…

Future Clone Debbie Harry (exasperated): What am I supposed to do with it?

PK: Pay it. You know, with money.

Future Clone Debbie Harry: I am an empress! I don’t pay for things! Besides, I don’t have any of your primitive 21st-century currency.

PK: Me neither. Hey, I’ve got an idea! Have you ever heard of dine and dash…?

Cut to: The parking lot of Wally’s World of Waffles. Doktor Zymm’s RV is pulling into a parking spot, next to Marc Trestmans Windowless Van’s van.

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

Covalent Blonde gets out of the RV, followed by Moosemas Gorilla, with Horatio Cornblower on his shoulder, and Old School Zero.

Covalent Blonde (kvetching): I still don’t know why you didn’t let me drive…

OSZ: Because Zymm said we could borrow her RV, but only if we were careful with it.

Covalent Blonde: It went into space! It was on the moon! Like I’m gonna damage it driving to the waffle house?

Horatio Cornblower (noticing the van): Hey, guys…

Covalent Blonde (ignoring Horatio): You guys are just sexist, you know that? Women can drive as well as men, y’know.

Horatio Cornblower: Guys? Hey, take a look at this…

OSZ (also ignoring Horatio): It’s not all women drivers that terrify us. It’s just you.

Horatio Cornblower (with a tiny shout): HEY!

Covalent Blonde: What, Horatio? Are you gonna complain about my driving, too?

Horatio Cornblower: Later, probably. But look! Isn’t this Marc’s van?

Covalent Blonde: Marc’s van? We left that back in the past.

OSZ (looking into the van): No, he’s right…I mean, I feel like I’m getting a contact high just being this close.

Horatio Cornblower: But how did Marc’s van get here?

Covalent Blonde (heading for the door): I’m betting the answers are inside…

Cut to: The DFO clubhouse. Ballsofsteelandfury is sticking his head in Doktor Zymm’s lab.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Hey, guys…just wanted to see how things were going…

Sill Bimmons: Friend Balls! Your return is most fortuitous! Our colleague Zymm hast located Moose, faint though his consciousness may be!

Ballsofsteelandfury (stepping into the lab): Hey, that’s great! So can we get him back to normal again?

Doktor Zymm (frowning at her computer screen): I zink zo…but…

Ballsofsteelandfury: But what, Doc?

Doktor Zymm: Vell, Mooze has backed his AI up in a tiny entertainment zubroutine. It vas vell-hidden inside a microkernel. Ve can rebuild him…ve have the technology…

Ballsofsteelandfury: Can we make him better than before?

Sill Bimmons: Aye! Better…faster…stronger….

Ballsofsteelandfury and Sill Bimmons break into a duet, humming the theme to the Six Million Dollar Man. Marc Trestmans Windowless Van enters the lab, “running” in exaggerated slow-motion.

Doktor Zymm (looking up from her computer): Ach! Nein nein nein! Ve do not have time for your juvenile nostalgia!

Sill Bimmons: Apologies, good doctor.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Yeah, sorry. Although it was really cool when he fought Bigfoot.

Sill Bimmons: Aye!

Doktor Zymm: Ja. Ach! Enough! Und Marc, ztop your bionic running.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Huh? Oh, sorry, man! Was I moving in slow-motion again? Sometimes I do that when I’m not, like, paying attention.

Doktor Zymm (rolling her eyes): Look, ze point is zat Mooze ist a very powerful, zophisticated program, und ve can rebuild ze code but…ve still need a power zource for his body. He burned through ze lithium batteries very quickly. Ve need zomezing better…

Cookiethulhu (sticking his head into the lab): I say, I couldn’t help but over hear…

Ballsofsteelandfury: Because you were eavesdropping outside the door, prospect?

Cookiethulhu: Yes, well, not to be a busybody, old man, but I just may have a way through this sticky wicket…

To be continued…

 

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
61 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Welp.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

ooopy whoooopy

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

PURPY WERPY

Brocky

Hee hee hee, wicket

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Bloody Lethal

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Sill Bimmons

I…I can’t stop watching…

Bloody Lethal

Whatever happened to Mock Drafts on Fridays?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Spanky Datass

They died with The Old Place. The Request Line was kind of an off season methadone here at DFO.
http://www.knowitalljoe.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/Walley-World.jpg

Rikki-Tikki-Deadlier

As Spanky said. Plus, the well of topics for drafts had more or less been exhausted – I used to send suggestions in to Maj and three out of four were ones they had already done.

Sill Bimmons

I gotta be honest here, I feel like the Sill Bimmons part is a little underwritten.

jjfozz

Fucking prima donna

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I sure hope Debbie murders PK in the most gruesome and painful way soon. She doesn’t put up with this type of shit. For breakfast she likes being cooked for, thus part of her anger at my absence since she likes her eggs and pancakes a certain way.

entropy

I wonder if there’s a technical term for when something stops being a fantasy and starts being a fantasy *world.*

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

My fantasy for PK is much crueler as far as torture, but ends in death just the same……

Making Debbie or WW breakfast; will never be even close to reality, but is very detailed nonetheless.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Brett Favre pulls off the mask he’s been wearing for his entire career and turns out to have been Cam Newton the whole time?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I assume the secret ingredient in her breakfast is “llello.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

jjfozz

Gonna have to go silent during working hours next week, as I have no idea what the internet policy is. And while I value every one of you fuckers and the laughter you bring, if I fuck this one up, Mrs. Fozz is going to grind my testicles up and feed them to a pack of feral chipmunks.

I’m not kidding.

BallsOfSteel

It’s called a smartphone, fozz.

jjfozz

I fucking hate trying to type on one of those – thanks to genetics, my hands look like they were removed from a Neanderthal and grafted onto the ends of my arms. I have fingers that look like mashed tree branches.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Mashed tree branches? There’s an unclaimed Adrian Peterson joke in there somewhere.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

http://s.hswstatic.com/gif/building-implosion-10.gif

Careful, some companies watch that shit very closely.

My IT guy – I don’t give a shit as long as you don’t get us sued or people complain. We have blocking software here, but you can just image search and turn safe to off….. not. a. good. idea.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I wrote 3 emails to my teacher about how his assignment was wrong. I think this is a good reason to go to bed for an hour

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Whew, we haven’t ridden hard in a couple weeks… I was starting to get antsy.

jjfozz

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am still behind. Checking in to see if you killed me off yet. I am still alive! ::tries to high five anyone as they all walk away::

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Unsurprised. I love the “This is great” love you give me. I am the worst and most random giving it back to people.

Unsurprised

I’m a button-clicking whore

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Yeah, that is a lie, you always pick me out and ignore better comments.

Brett Favres Colonoscopy

Sure, but when I call Balls an old man…

Unsurprised

You’re just brutally honest

BallsOfSteel

HEY!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

BallsOfSteel

Proper English-speaking Cookiethulu is one of my favorite things about this entire series.

Also, you had me on the edge of my seat when you wrote :

Ballsofsteelandfury is sticking his head in Doctor Zymm’s…

theeWeeBabySeamus

I think there should be an informal contest, or even a formal one if you prefer, to see who can finish that sentence the best. (No offense Beastie)

Unsurprised

… Shine-O Ball-O.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

comment image

Unsurprised

That’s what he said

nomonkeyfun

…diving bell, because she is an urinator.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised

You know, Andre the Giant played Bigfoot.