NFL News:

• Philip Rivers says that “nobody should feel sorry for me” about how the Chargers season has gone thus far. Aside from former teammates, I didn’t think anyone was. Maybe Satan, but only because Jesus has forsaken both of them.
• Next time you hit the Strip, that extra $20 on your hotel bill means you’re helping pay for the new Vegas football stadium. The Nevada legislature held a special session and voted 16-5 to approve a new tax to help raise the public $750 million towards the new stadium.
  • No word on salon pricing for Mark Davis’ haircuts.
• Just when you think it can’t get any worse, the Browns brought Art Briles into their practice today. When asked for comment, Hue Jackson ACTUALLY SAID, “What happened at Baylor’s at Baylor.”
  • It’s especially poignant because no one from Baylor is left on the Browns, and Cleveland’s rape season isn’t until March, to coincide with Lake Erie’s thaw.
• Big Ben thinks there’s a correlation between tough Steelers practices and the number of injuries the team suffers. In response, James Harrison reclaimed Ben’s “Participant” trophy.
• Eric Decker is likely done for the year due to a torn rotator cuff. That just leaves Brandon Marshall to observe all of Ryan Fitzpatrick’s overthrows.
• TAWMMY TERRIFIC better get used to this, because Trump questions are going to dog him until election day.

A special thanks to the guy who asked Tom Brady about Donald Trump locker room talk and the end of his press conference #WBZ #Patriots pic.twitter.com/sCx59IArsw

— Joe Giza (@JoeGiza) October 12, 2016

Today’s long-form story is from Bleacher Report, and is about Vontaze Burfict and how he cares, and yet doesn’t care. It’s fine, as long as you accept he doesn’t want your sympathy; which is fine, because I didn’t want to give him any.

Finally, if you’ve got any Falcons or Seahawks in your fantasy pools, maybe check the weather forecast Sunday morning just to be safe. Starting tonight and running through early Sunday, the Pacific Northwest is going to get hit by the remnants of Typhoon Songda. Saturday is expected to be the worst day, with rainfall amounts in Seattle of about 4 inches and sustained winds between 20-40 mph, with gusts up to 70 mph. That should make my drive down Saturday a whole lotta fun.

If the skies are still dark Sunday morning, Matty Ice ain’t having another 500-yard day, but Christine Michael & Devonta Freeman might pay off well.

I know I was a bit down yesterday, what with how much the Canucks are going to suck and all, but still – WHOO HOO! IT’S HOCKEY SEASON!!!

To bring you up to speed on the League’s 100th season, I recommend going to Puck Daddy at Yahoo! Sports, but any site that’s not labelled “Sportsnet” should be okay. In the interim, here’s all you need to know:

• Pittsburgh won, meaning Phil Kessel got a ring, a parade, and an all-you-can-eat buffet.
• San Jose kept their playoff beards, thereby invalidating the concept.
• Gary Bettman? Still the devil. A tiny, tiny devil, but still the devil.
• No Canadian teams made the playoffs last year.
• No Canadian teams will probably make the playoffs this year.
• Pierre McGuire = Jon Gruden.
• ESPN doesn’t cover hockey, because FUCK YOU! that’s why.

Outside of that, here’s the music you need to know:

Canadian national anthem #1:

Canadian national anthem #2:

Best rock song about hockey:

Best goal celebration song, inactive franchise:

Best goal celebration song, active franchise:

Tonight’s sports:

• College Football: Appalachian State at Louisiana (Lafayette) – 8:00 PM | ESPN2
• NHL Hockey:
  • Leafs at Senators – 7:00 PM | Sportsnet
  • Blues at Blackhawks – 8:00 PM | NBCSP
  • Flames at Oilers – 10:00 PM | Sportsnet
  • Kings at Sharks – 10:30 PM | NBCSP

Plus, there’s a new South Park tonight.

Kyle feels tremendous guilt over the rift between the boys and the girls. When he tries to bring them together, things only get worse. The boys finally band together to stand up for their rights.

OH THAT BUTTERS!