Not that I should have to warn you, but

Anyway…

First off, it sure was nice of the NFL to flex a game into prime time that would be so bad we would be able to catch “The Walking Dead” without much interruption to the viewing enjoyment. Seriously,

https://vine.co/v/5daxOKOzBvj

^{(gifs via; Vine via)}

it’s like the players wanted to keep going so they could avoid spoilers (or talking to Deion). Plus, I know some of you want that Pete Carroll face on repeat forever. Next Sunday’s Cowboys-Eagles match hopefully won’t be a DERP-fest of this calibre.

Now, onto the episode.

Quick quiz: Cardinals fan or Negan victim?

I think what makes me so frustrated with this show is that they could have accomplished so much more with the same footage and body count. They could have ended last season by killing Abraham, had Daryl take his swing at Negan, Negan then proclaim “Oh, we’re just getting started!” and then fade to black just as Negan begins on his next victim. It would have given fans some resolution but still have the cliffhanger, it would have been a better use of the 90 minutes finale, and not knowing who the second victim was would have made the waiting for the premiere more intolerable.

Instead, we get a time jump before the opening credits, with Rick saying he will find a way to kill Negan, and Negan vowing to break Rick. Then, in the midst of the road trip to Negan World that starts the episode, we see the deaths we all came for in the form of a flashback – it takes 15 minutes to kill Abraham, ten minutes more to kill Glenn – and thirty more minutes to get to the fucking point of the episode, which is that something FINALLY broke Rick Grimes.

I think we all knew he wasn’t going to amputate Carl; the kid already lost an eye, and I don’t think the producers need that much more hate mail. Ending the episode by reinforcing that we are never getting to the fireworks factory, in this case a family dinner,

pretty much tells anyone that they are going to be spending more episodes dwelling on rebuilding their lives AGAIN.

So, to sum up the episode,

• “ffffffff fuck you.”
• “No, Rick, Fuck you. ROAD TRIP!”
• “GET MY FUCKING AXE!”
• flashback 1 – “SMUSH!”
• flashback 2 – ‘SMUSH!!”
• “ROAD TRIPS RULE! Now, cut off yer boy’s arm!”
• “n-n-n-n-no. Do me instead!”
• “Nope; this is more fun.”
• “………. o——-kay!”
• “Nah; changed my mind. Now, fuck off!”

All that was missing was this:

Speaking of hate mail, there seem to be two prevailing negative opinions about last night. First, many sites I read this morning felt the same way that I did at the time – that Daryl being partial cause for Glenn’s death means they could be preparing the way for his eventual death, and trying to allay the ‘He-dies-we-riot’ movement. What was he (the character) supposed to do, sit there & meekly take it? That’s never been Daryl’s style, and he’s had to kill his zombie brother. Considering he’s not a canon part of the novels, this feels a cop to the TV audience only, which would be fine except for the fact following.

Second, people online are divided over the level of violence & swearing. (Reminder: FUCK TWITTER!) The people who seem upset over the violence & swearing seem to be the casual viewer that AMC was trying to attract. The violence of the episode seemed a nod to fans of the novels, whom the producers felt were owed a dose of that realism for a change. People familiar with the source material seem to feel it did the right thing, but that it was dragged out to the point of emotional manipulation.

I get that they were trying to make the casual viewer, who may have been tuning in due to all the hype, hate Negan. [If you’re familiar with the graphic novel or watched enough of the show, you didn’t need the prompting.] And with an actor like Jeffrey Dean Morgan, you want to exploit his familiarity & likability in order to more emotionally savage the moments. But, at the end, I actually felt a bit cheated; like, I’ve been waiting seven years for this moment

and I got it almost exactly, but they watered down everything around it so the new viewer could enjoy it as much, which results in taking something away from that moment.  “Welcome to a brand new beginning, you sorry shits.” This is why my opinion is right, other people are stupid, and oh-my-god-I’m-turning-into-Fozz!

Anyhoo, by the end of the episode, we’ve got

• Rick broken
• Daryl kidnapped
• Maggie going to Hilltop
• CORAL turning into a post-apocalyptic River Phoenix
• everyone else a sobbing mess
• two puddles where Abraham & Glenn used to be

and next week’s episode focusing on the “Homeward Bound” adventures of Carol & Morgan.

I’m hoping it will be a better “narrative” episode rather than more torture-porn.

Of course, the best way to enjoy the show is as a distraction from life’s other troubles…

https://twitter.com/kcbruhaha/status/790384203313577984

Browns fans just have the World Series.

FYI, I know we all think Hardwick is a hypercaffinated dweeb, but “Talking Dead” was worth it for these visuals

That’s all good.

Anyway, WHADDYA THINK?!

UPDATE: Well, the PTC has had their (predictable) say:

“Last night’s season premiere of The Walking Dead was one of the most graphically violent shows we’ve ever seen on television, comparable to the most violent of programs found on premium cable networks,” PTC president Tim Winter said Monday. “It’s not enough to ‘change the channel,’ as some people like to advocate, because cable subscribers — regardless of whether they want AMC or watch its programming — are still forced to subsidize violent content. This brutally explicit show is a powerful demonstration of why families should have greater control over the TV networks they purchase from their cable and satellite providers.” _(via)

In other words,