Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 15, 2016

Forgive me if I am curt with my analysis, my head hurts like it’s on fire, and the WORST of the barometric pressure changes comes tomorrow. So…there’s a good chance I will be dead by my own hand then.

There will be no discussion of the Donks loss. It sucked.

I was highly encouraged that two coaches had the stones to go for two late, and the win. For one, it seemed they were actually doing maths! Windy conditions made the 33-yard kick a dicier proposition than normal, skewing the odds markedly in favour of the 2-yarder with the offense.

Also, for teams like the Iggles…the fuck they really have to “lose” anyway? Take a fucking chance! But in reality, one should coach like this ALL THE TIME. Right is right, don’t be scared of media second guessing. Alas, Balmer stopped the try to win the “Which Shitty Place Would You Least Like Your Company Make You Move To?” bowl, 27-26.

The Titans didn’t make it, either. I would be especially sad, because I hate the Chefs, and how Andy Reid so boringly sat on his early 17 points and tried to run out the clock all game long. KILLER OF JOY as he is KILLER OF BUFFET TABLES (and their poor goddamned plastic chairs). But there was around 3:15 left, so TN at least could get the ball back. Then they (stupidly, I thought) kicked it deep…with no timeouts. Meaning that the BEST they could reasonably do was get it back in their own territory with 70 seconds left, in bad kicking conditions.

Which is what happened. Mariota completed 3 passes over the middle, then spiked it to give Succop a chance from 53 (as DonT no doubt rushed to find the right candle to light). He was short as Andy Reid called timeout to “ice” him. But of course, that really only warmed his leg up, and the one that counted was perfect. 19-17, good guys.

Da Bearistocrats! actually had a legit chance to beat Green Bay with a late, mad scramble comeback. But Foxy got a little too cute and went away from Jordan Howard inside the 5 and settled for the tying FG, then his shitty secondary got beat deep down the middle in the dying seconds to set up the kill shot. Because…Da Bearistocrats!!

Marvin Lewis sat on his early lead just as foolishly as Andy Reid, and Karma paid him the same visit, in the form of many, many FGs in a game I otherwise remember almost nothing about. The AFC North has produced some real dull shit this season. Christmas afternoon Thursday Night Football needs to make up for that, and not just by breaking the space/time continuum.

Speaking of dull shit…HAI Browns!! Even making Buffalo look competent, how nice of you. I saw maybe 3 plays of this, which felt like overkill.

Looks like Buttchinski has finally had enough Brock Lobster (even the dance re-mix!!) and is going with Let’s Be Savage instead. Their hearts were racing, finally racing, inside the whateverdome, as the Jaguras very gradually allowed the home side to re-take the one point lead, then hold it. At 8-6 along with the Titans, Week 17 should be the decider.

The loss also got Gus Bradley fired, which, howere deserved, is dumb as fuck. Two things can happen. One, you have a “dead cat bounce” rally effect, which may cause players and some local pressure to keep the interim guy around. Very, very rarely is this actually a good idea. Plus, you fucked up your draft positioning!! For twosies, discipline can break down completely as the inmates realize nobody REALLY is in charge of the asylum, and you get a complete clownfraud show on your hands (like Ram It!!). Just let the poor schmuck lose his way through the end professionally and with some dignity, dying with his boots on. Unless he’s coming to work at like 2pm, naked and on meth or some shit like that. In JAX, one can’t rule it out.

Though Indy is mathematically still there after beating the everloving shit out of the one-would-expect-to-be-desperate-for-a-win Vikings. In Minnesota. I don’t think there’s a harder team to figure out what to expect from than the Humps. Some weeks they show up, some weeks they don’t. Completely sans rhyme nor reason. Minny just sucks all of a sudden, and I really dunno why.

Jim Caldwell’s Fuck Lions of Destiny hit an unfortunate speed bump in the Meadowlands. Fat Stafford’s finger owie, and the red-hot combo of OBJ and the Giants’ D were just too much for even a proud franchise like this one. But one knows one can trust Caldwell not to blink, even with Rodgers charging from the rear.

The Saints and Cardinals combined for 89 points today. Suffice to say, betting the over was a good idea. Breesus Christ is risen. He is risen, indeed!

The 49ers? Still dogshit. The Falcons? Still vaguely, unimpressively competent. I would bet extremely heavy on Los Gigantes in the Wild Card round.

With the KC loss, OAK had its division destiny in its own hands again. But as usual, the Boltmen put up a fight. In particular, San Diego’s D has gotten much, much better. But yet again, a crucial mistake (Farrow fumbre) at the worstest of times turned it around, and the Raiders (with most of the “home” crowd on its side) fly back to Alameda 19-16 victors.

I started writing at halftime of what had been a terrible SNF matchup. DAK! and pals were cruising, and only 2 misses (albe-them very long) by reliable Dan Bailey kept things deceptively close. But Rapey Jameis struck hard and unexpected (teehee) in the 3rd quarter, and all of a sudden this fixture’s primetime status made sense. Unfortunately for the MRSA-friendly community, Q4 raped Jameis right back.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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montythisseemsstrangetome

My fault for reading sportingnews.com, absolutely, but this is their analysis of the Lions’ chances to make the playoffs:

It wouldn’t be surprising if the Lions either won the division next week or freefell out of the playoffs completely by losing out.

So they either will, or will not, make the playoffs. Good tip.

I link here, for citation purposes, but trust me, you won’t be missing anything if you don’t click.
http://www.sportingnews.com/nfl/news/nfl-playoff-picture-standings-wild-card-race-division-cowboys-buccaneers-[*Redacted] s/180xvghbg75pizoo0ofxtxy53

ballsofsteelandfury

Look, if you want some real analysis mixed in with early 90s techno, read my post tomorrow.

Unsurprised

Goddamn it, Drew. I forgot Zeke is a piece of shit. http://www.gq.com/story/ezekiel-elliott-nfl-investigation-foot-dragging

LemonJello

Then it seems as though The Goddamned National Disgrace and Ol’Dubble J’s plans are working as exactly as they hoped…

Unsurprised

Never Forget. Roger Goodell is a national disgrace.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Also amusing:

https://www.gofundme.com/browns-perfect-season-parade-fund?ssid=843936486&pos=1

Note that they have already more than doubled their funding needs.

Senor Weaselo

So, Week 17 win and a money laundering charge?

Unsurprised

How perfectly Browns that only the fans would catch a fraud rap

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
montythisseemsstrangetome

I was nervous about clicking on anything Skip Bayless-related, but it was worth it.

montythisseemsstrangetome

That’s great commenting, Monty! Love your work on DFO!

montythisseemsstrangetome

Jeff Fisher to the Jaguras – book it!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Eh, I’d give it a 43.75% chance.

ballsofsteelandfury

This is outstanding

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

They’ll probably wait until after the season is over to announce it. I predict it’s made official in 7-9 weeks.

litre_cola

This must happen. Synchronized mustaching!

Cuntler

Yesterday, I watched the Bears shit the bed, and then went out in downtown Denver with friends, only to watch the most boring game in NFL history, surrounded by Pats fans. Why are there so many Pats fans in Denver? WHY?!?!?!??

jjfozz

Also, last night as I got in bed my wife said, “Ohmygod! I just watched this show called ‘This is Us’ and I love it!'”

Fuck you karma, I’m coming after you with a vintage tommy gun and hydrochloric acid.

ballsofsteelandfury

You are a good Catholic man. This is evidenced by the facts that:
A) She’s still alive
B) You haven’t filed for divorce yet.
C) You haven’t committed suicide.

Don T

Don’t forget the old Catholic relationship staple: troubled marriage? The blessing of a new baby will solve all problems.
Apropos of nothing: my sisters are five and six years older than me, and of all of my mom’s weddings I’ve attended, third one was my favorite.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

too tired to fight ,, amirite??

But enough about Darren Sharper’s go-to pickup line.

litre_cola

Well played sir. I was thinking that then I read it.

ballsofsteelandfury

Dios mio! “The new baby is a blessing”!

Aaaagghhhhh!!!

Unsurprised

OH! That one. I was thinking of the other one, you know the one. Where you just punch her in the face until she shuts the fuck up.

Sharkbait

I’m so glad my wife thinks that’s a pile of shit and has no interest in watching it.

jjfozz

Well, I watched House of a 1,000 Corpses last night, so harmony was kept in balance.

I love my wife, but she has the WORST taste in anything cultural – when we moved in to our house, after we got married, I noticed she had a Jar of Clay CD – it was too late to annul the marriage. I threw the CD away instead.

...

Consider that your differing tastes are a ying and yang that keep each other perfectly in balance.

Or just drink until she stops doing the things you dislike. That’s probably easier.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You should have put it in the microwave instead.

Senor Weaselo

House of 1000 Corpses, also known as a Baltimore tenement.

JerBear50

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Also, last night as I got in bed my wife said, “Ohmygod!…

This comment did not go where I was hoping it would.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I got blown the fuck out of the FF playoffs as the two seed. No one is happy this season except Vegas, P*ts fans, and people who like arguing that a guy with a broken back should replace DAK.

Don T

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I got blown…

Neither did this one.

ballsofsteelandfury

FEEL THE AFC NORTH EXCITEMENT! Kickers setting records for number of field goals in a game! The opportunity for an 0-16 team! A team that invokes the self-destruct sequence more regularly than the Starship Enterprise! A milk-loving QB!

jjfozz

Hold on, Joe only drinks skim milk diluted with tap water, out of a plain glass.

LemonJello

Not too cold, though. More like tepid.

...

Extra skim. Don’t want any of those flavorful lipids getting in his system.

jjfozz

Someone, anyone, please beat Marty Morningwedge with a fucking piece of rusty rebar. And if you could break Flacco’s arms, legs, neck, feet, and skull that would be a blessing.

I’m am NOT spending Christmas Day at my mother’s house getting hammered and screaming at the television.

Okay, I am.

You can eat my balls, NFL scheduling committee.

montythisseemsstrangetome

The Saints and Cardinals combined for 89 points today.

I haven’t seen this much Catholic scoring since the Archdiocese of Boston.

Don T

It’s embarrassing how GODDAMN WONDERFUL I FUCKING FEEL over a Kansas City Week 15 NFL #product sample. I loved the decision to go for two, whatever the outcome. The play call sucked (GIVE IT TO HENRYYYYYYYYYYY!!11!!), but damn: the Titans have ZERO quit, and their special teams (a weak link throughout the season), shone–as did the secondary. So the consensus is Reid DUH!, but the sideline feed captured Michael Rene Mularkey doing what he’s been doing all season while the NFL universe watched:
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I love this team, no matter the results.
Now if you would excuse me, I’m off to find a less sexist equivalent to cOjones.

Don T

And OF COURSE I have the coaching staff candle set. From left to right: Mularkey, OC Terry Robiskie, OL Russ Grimm, and mister Charles Richard LeBeau, Esq.
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ballsofsteelandfury

Funny, I didn’t figure Grimm as the slut of the group, but it makes sense.

Don T

He’s sexy, knows it, flaunts it, and gives zero point zero fucks about chatty judgmental types. And, underneath it all, he’s a succulent hog.

montythisseemsstrangetome

“Oh no, here comes Andy Reid. Oh, god no! OH THE HUMANITY!”

-a poor goddamned plastic chair at the buffet table

Doktor Zymm

So, my parents have this big digital clock that displays the date and temperature in addition to the time. For a second I thought it said Mon, Dec 1972, leading me to ponder, how would these results have been different in 1972? Turns out this is a kind of pointless question to ponder.

I suppose I’m reasonably content with the outcomes of yesterday’s games. I DO wish Andy Reid would figure out how to be slightly more than just adequate, but that’s due to my desire to laugh at Eagles fans, and nothing to do with the Chiefs or the Red Walrus himself.

Oddly, both Philadelphia and Baltimore are on my list as places I wouldn’t mind retiring, as they’re both within easy driving distance of DC, have reasonable housing prices, and some nice neighborhoods with well-maintained historic housing stock. Also, cheap, slightly frightening bars.

jjfozz

And you forgot: it’s the birthplace of Fozz, and the seat of the Fozz Dynasty. Also, crabcakes and rioters who loot a 7-11 and emerge with bags of Doritos.

Baltimore: We may be dumb, but we’re also stupid.

...

A main character in the The Expanse series is a remorseless but mostly honest and strangely endearing killer who fled his hated, miserable place of birth intended to never return.

Of course it was Baltimore.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Amos Burton! I do enjoy his character.