The scene is one of quiet desperation, as GOP Chairman Reince Priebus tries to produce quality entertainment for the upcoming inaugural festivities. On a constant basis, musicians and celebrities have made it clear they would never consider bringing their talents to Washington to celebrate the incoming Cheeto-in-Chief; the current acts are limited to 3 Doors Down and one of the Osmonds’ grandchildren. Seeing no other alternative, Priebus lights a single candle and removes an old Ouija board from a tattered box. As cold winds howl outside his study, an unseen doorway opens between this world and another…

Reince Priebus: O GREAT SPIRITS, I AM IN DIRE NEED OF YOUR HELP! PRESIDENT RONALD REAGAN, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

(The planchette, held lightly beneath Priebus’ shaky fingertips, slowly glides toward YES.)

Reince Priebus: Mr. President! It is truly an honor, and I thank you for your wise counsel in our great nation’s hour of need!

Ouija: SIR BE PURE NICE

Reince Priebus: Um, yes sir, I can see you’re being very nice to help us! Now, do you have any ideas for the inaugural entertainment?

Ouija: BEER IN CUPS IRE

Reince Priebus: Yes sir, we’ll have plenty of beer on hand, and lots of general anger. What else?

Ouija: BRR I USE ICE PEN

Reince Priebus: Oh, I see – Pretend President Trump is using a really cold pen to sign legislation! Hey, that…could work, I guess…

Ouija: I RIB PENCE RUSE

Reince Priebus: Hey, that’s good…a gentle roast of the new Veep! Now we’re getting somewhere!

Ouija: EPIC RUBE SIREN

Reince Priebus: We already have Toby Keith.

Ouija: BRUIN ICE SPREE

Reince Priebus: So…you’re saying have some bears maul figure skaters? I gotta check with legal on that…

Ouija: BIS URINE CREEP

Reince Priebus: Already did that in Russia.

Ouija: SEE I BURP NICER

Reince Priebus: Sir, what…wait a minute, this isn’t President Reagan. Dammit, who am I talking to?

Ouija: I SURE BE PRINCE

Reince Priebus: Right. Say, I don’t suppose you would perform for-

Ouija: I CURSE PEEN RIBS

Reince Priebus: (doubles over due to intense rib and groin pain)