April! God… DAMMIT – Offseason Sunday Open Thread

These are despairing times. The present has become anticipating the worst possible outcome in the foreseeable future. Or, for Jets fans, on draft day in a couple of weeks.

We’re into Month #3 of the offseason. Delaying the draft has proven to create an unbearable vacuum of news and rumors after the two initial weeks of free agency. All worthwhile angles on available Names (Adrian Peterson, Jay Cutler, Kaep…) have been exhausted. We got “Roethlisberger mulling retirement” stuff that couldn’t have gotten less credence if it were leaked through the White House. The Seahawks are shopping Richard Sherman—a story that seems to have some legs in light of a perfect storm of this being an allegedly DB-rich draft and Sherman’s 2016 assholishness clashing with the team’s usual prickhood. Wake me when he’s tied to a Browns trade offer; maybe by then I’d have enough spirit to use this:

Via @nugpapi

Right now, he NFL is doing everything short of hiring apiary consultants to create buzz. The league announced that it will announce tomorrow the 2017 preseason schedule. Of course, that is just to create anticipation about the release of the regular season schedule—the date of which is unknown and stands to be milked vigorously despite the lack of suspense regarding opponents and home / away assignments.

I do get excited about the schedule release, only to then get worked up about us non-NFC East fans being banged out of some prime time games and the Titans being relegated to the Early Games Sunday Morass. I’ll gladly take the schedule release over the Combine and all predraft analysis, which to me are as concrete and enthusing as a sonogram picture.

If I had my way, flexing for SNF should begin at Week 6. I can’t see much consensus around the teams pushing for MNF flexing, so just leave it for proven teams or rivalry games: have twice the team that won the last Super Bowl, Ravens-Steelers (please, NEVER put this matchup on non-Thanksgiving TNF), Saints-Falcons, or any divisional permutation from the NFC North and AFC West. I could really go for a Bears @ Vikings game right now. Sigh. SIGH, I say.

 

The NBA tonight has four games, but with six teams out of the playoffs. Here ya go, you sickos:

Mavericks (OUT) @ Suns (OUT) (5:00 PM Central)

Rockets @ Kings (OUT) (5:00 PM Central – NBA TV)

Pistons (OUT) @ Grizzlies (5:00 PM Central)

Timberwolves (OUT) @ Lakers (OUT) (8:30 PM Central – NBA TV)

 

MLB… Hey, just one!

Marlins (Volquez, 0-0) at Mets (Syndegaard, 0-0) – ESPN, 7:00 PM Central

 

MLS—oooh, this is getting easy:

Sporting Kansas City – Colorado Rapids (FS1 – 6:00 PM Central)

 

On the NHL, I have it on good authority that today is the last day of the regular season. There are seven games, featuring six eliminated teams. The national telecast are on TSN, the others I assigned by inference:

Avalanche (OUT) @ Blues (Uzbek Stream – 5:00 PM Central)

Blue Jackets @ Maple Leafs (TSN – 5:00 PM Central)

Penguins @ Rangers (OWN – 6:00 PM Central)

Hurricanes (OUT) @ Flyera (OUT) (COM – 6:00 PM Central)

Panthers (OUT) @ Capitals (BANG – 6:00 PM Central)

Kings (OUT) @ Ducks (#LiveTweets from @UKKingsCrew – 7:30 PM Central)

Canucks (OUT) @ Oilers (TSN – 8:00 PM Central)

 

Oh man, tonight is Slim Pickings City. I would suggest movies for tonight. I bet they are showing “Coming to America” somewhere.

Via 80’s Memory Lane on F*c*b**k

That is one of the most pleasant rewatchs around, perfect for dicking around your phone every time the love-interest development scenes are on. The other movie that I’d watch right now is “Dig!” (available on the Internet for free? Maybe!), a documentary on kickass bands The Dandy Warhols and The Brian Jonestown Masaccre, filmed over several years. It is thrilling and depressing, but you get stuff like ”I’ve never seen them eat. All they do is drink and snort drugs”: that is how the BJM is described by the Dandys frontman. The film is heavy on professional and emotional meltdowns without manufactured regret, which makes it an instant must-watch for Redacted fans.

I look forward to being sleepy. April blows.

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Don T
Poor choices, mixed results. ¡Viva Puerto Rico Libre! Titans4Eva
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Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised

There’s no science in mah gut. Ppl forget that

Brick Meathook

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Unsurprised

I may have too much time on my hands. Or I don’t, but I procrastinate a fuckload.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3DNQJE8eHjw

Unsurprised

It’s damn near impossible to find an interesting baseball gif.

Unrelated, but fuck Duke forever.
http://cdn3.sbnation.com/imported_assets/1011175/dukefootballagonyofdefeat_medium.gif

Brick Meathook
Unsurprised

Fuck Randy Johnson, too. That bird was innocent!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

That bird killed my brother

Unsurprised

This required better accuracy than opening that bottle below.
http://cdn3.sbnation.com/imported_assets/1011052/nflfavredong_medium.gif

theeWeeBabySeamus

Dave?

Unsurprised

Sorry to be the bearer of bad new, bro.

Unsurprised

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Unsurprised
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’ll never not hear this in my head evar again.
/clicks +1 button repeatedly to no avail

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Romonobyl

I think I’d prefer the return trip.

litre_cola

This guy who lives 2 streets away has parked his fucking car outside of my condo and his fucking alarm goes off every half an hour. I am Fozz level angry. I want to put a rock through it so it has a reason to wail away.

Brick Meathook

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Unsurprised

Just make sure the rock doesn’t have any fingerprints. And stay out of the footprint of any possible security cameras.

I mean, uh … Violence is never the answer.

Brick Meathook

Never use a rock. Use ice. Leaves no evidence.

Unsurprised

Where’s he going to find ice in Canada?

litre_cola

It could be happening. I may get a battle of Alberta in the 1st round of the Ice football playoffs!

theeWeeBabySeamus

We’re all very happy for you, I’m sure.
Now get yer great white north arse into poker.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Besides…the Caps will be masters of their domain. No wasting the President’s Trophy this year goddammit.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Fuq you guys.
Now come play poker.

jjfozz

Good evening Fuckers

Brocky

evening.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Old people suck

Brocky

I’m old enough to remember not having cable, but my family was pretty poor. does that make me old?

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m old enough to remember there being no such thing as cable.

Brocky
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’m old; FUUUUUUUUUCK YOU!

Unsurprised

Young people swallow. Because they can’t afford to, because of all of their student debt and WARGABRJBNSJLBFLJBFLEFSS

/SHOOTS SELF

Brocky

Day 584: My feet still hurt

theeWeeBabySeamus
Brocky

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I’ll need about 15-20 mins to finish my chores. But yup.

Brocky

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note: is it just me, or is there a formula about comedian’s having pretty good stand up, only to lose all credibility when they venture into film and television?

Unsurprised

Fuck. It’s already the ninth.

Brick Meathook

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Romonobyl

Lockheed Constellation. If I could have sex with an airplane, that would be the one. Hey, I’m into aircraft both personally and professionally so don’t judge me!
OK, that was weird…you can judge me.

Unsurprised

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Unsurprised

I think there are too many NBA games per season. When you have teams that can just coast for half of the season so the starters aren’t tired for the playoffs, there’s a problem.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Hate it when the ball sack flops out of your shorts.

Brick Meathook

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I swear, baseball fans have a stick up their ass about the dumbest things involving their sport. Imagine NFL fans complaining about inter-conference play. It’s a widely-held position that interleague play is boring. Really? Game 20 between your division opponent is too good to drop?

Guh.

...

No wonder baseball has lost fans. Other sports don’t have half the pretense baseball has over it’s dumb habits.

...

Exactly.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

Looks like a fun group of pals.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook

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litre_cola

Evening lads. How are we all?

ballsofsteelandfury

Awww, Moose is thinking of me!

For some reason, I’m awake at 3 AM in Spain. Other than that, everything is peachy.

King Hippo

holy fuck. How does one hit a 94 mph slider?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s the speed at which they are typically served to Andy Reid to keep up with demand, and I don’t see him having any problem handling them.

King Hippo

How did you find his 8th grade yearbook photo?

...

The NHL has the dumbest playoff format.

King Hippo

hahahahahaha, fuck you, old bitch

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

we’re gonna need MOAR SOAP

King Hippo

Hippo better put some lotion on that

theeWeeBabySeamus

And by “that”, I’m presuming you mean your penis.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Outdoor showers are the best.

WCS
King Hippo

SEC, Pawwwwlllllll!!!!!!!!!!

/it just means MOAR

litre_cola

That is honest to God fantastic.

King Hippo

I would watch the shit out of Vikes/Bears. PRE-SEASON.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

THIS PLAYOFF HOLE AT THE MASTERS’ TOURNAMENT I CALL IT THE LAST THREE YEARS OF OLIVIA MUNN’S LIFE CAUSE IT WAS COMPLETELY ANTICLIMACTIC.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Check the utility bill.

Brick Meathook

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...

A face full of BOFA.

King Hippo

“Can’t we just hold hands instead?”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook

You know, I can’t even begin to guess what is going on here:
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Brick Meathook

I know even less now . . .

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Senor Weaselo

That’s gotta be the one of the worst birthdays ever.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

George Francis Barnes Jr.

Senor Weaselo

Yeah, but at least he didn’t have to look back upon it years later.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

He probably would have liked to.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The music they are using at the end of the Masters here sounds like something you’d find at the end credits of Space Harrier 2.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=veqXHdRtkT0

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Which has now also become the soundtrack to me mopping the kitchen floor.

Senor Weaselo

Well the Ducks and Oilers have some intrigue at least because if the Ice, uh Chargers?—sure, Chargers—get a win or the Bettman point, they win the division, but if they lose and the Ice Eskimos win they win the division.

Of course all I get is Ice Stillers-Ice Giants, to which ESPN writes…
http://imgur.com/a/7vNj2

WCS

Cleveland won a pro sports championship, the Cubs won the World Series, Drumpf is President, and now Sergio Garcia has won The Masters.

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Senor Weaselo
Unsurprised

INDEED!