[pulls pants up hastily] Hey, what’s going on guys/gals? Beardguyrob is otherwise engaged-don’t let the laundry get backed up, just throw a load in every morning, amirite?-so I thought I’d toss up a thread that addresses your most serious concerns. Yeah, that’s right I’m gonna say some crap about yesterday’s games and then preview the two on offer today. Here goes…

-Jaylon Smith (last year’s nerve-damaged second round pick for the Cowboys) finally made it back onto the field and tackled a guy or two.

-Derek Carr played for the first time since week 16 of last year and threw 2 TD’s on only nine passes. Raiders dreams of a deeper run in the playoffs begin anew.

-Marshawn lugged the ball twice after literally coming off the bench.

-Mitchell “Truth Biscuit” Trubinsky went a “fawking ahsome” 6-8 for 60 yards against 2nd, 3rd and 4th-team-ers. I don’t have to wander into the desperate mire of a Bears fan board to know that the call for him to be thrown into the fray now is jet engine-loud. It doesn’t help that the starting giraffeback is struggling.

-Paxton Lynch threw for an Alex Smith-like 3 yards per completion. Folks around the net have anointed Siemian the hands-down starter until 30 seconds after his next interception.

-Kirk Cousins turned 29 yesterday!

-Christian McCaffrey is one speedy little mother-lover.

-Another Christian, this one of the Hackenberg variety, commandeered the Jets new-look “Infinite Punts Offense”.

TO THE GAMES!

Chokers/Stillers: (4pm) Antonio Brown is nowhere to be found but Darrius Heyward-Bey is still in the league. We’ll get a look at T.J. “Two Sack” Watt who I have no doubt had the living shit kicked out of him on a daily basis by his older bro when he was growing up. Joshua “Route Tree” Dobbs hopes to start over again after last week’s struggles. Also making an appearance should be Hodgkins Lymphoma conquerer James Conner, son of Sarah and John. Skynet is giving 3-1 odds in this timeline that he wins the rb spot behind Bell. As for the Falcons, I like their backfield of Freeman, Coleman and Ward quite a bit.

Saints/Helmet Clippers: (8pm) Nassib, Grayson. Grayson, Nassib. Which pretend football slinger will have the job of patting Brees on the shoulder pads after the latter throws a TD? That’s like 35-40 times a year you’ll have to haul your carcass up from the bench. The things people have to do for a high six figure/low seven figure paycheck… Pour something out for the Saints third-dary that consists of the likes of Crawley, Bell, Banjo, Lattimore, Williams and Vaccarro. Injuries devastated them last year to the point where a street urchin was one of their starting cb’s. He was cut after requesting more gruel. Things aren’t much different this year what with top corner Breaux out for at least a third of the season. Hopefully we’ll get a quick peak at Chargers wr Allen who is returning after a knee ka-blooey. Their D gave up 4 rushing TD’s last week and faces AP, Ingram and rook Alvin Kamara. Best of luck fellas.

There you have it. Done. Now let’s get some drink in our bellies.