Fantasy Gods, Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me? Week 7 2017

As many of you know, I like to complain. The weather, sports, politics, nothing ever seems to be good enough for Brocky. Naturally this extends to fantasy football, the thing that is supposed to distract me from those things. Such misfortune can’t possibly be the result of my own ineptitude, therefore it can only happen due to divine intervention. That’s right, I’m blaming my fantasy woes on God, and I’m posting every Tuesday how the big man upstairs did me wrong, this will feature as little embellishment as possible.


The Scene: Heaven

This is totally what Heaven looks like. No Jackie Chan isn’t dead, he just hangs out wherever he wants. 

An elevator door slides open. After who knows how long, Jesus is freed from his metallic prison.


Jesus: “Finally, I’m out of that place, thank dad you never have to us the bathroom in heaven.  You there, sentient angel statue, which way is my father?”


Jesus: Thanks!


Jesus goes sprinting down Heaven’s various hall ways. Reaching his goal, he slides across the tiles, his sandals gliding across the floor till he stops in front of his father.


Jesus: Dad, okay, I’m serious this time. I need to talk to you.


God: Hey Ace! Something on your mind?


Jesus: Yes! you need to stop messing around and do your job, you need to stop interfering with ….


God: son, son, son, calm yourself, here, take a ride with me in this golf cart, I will explain all.


Jesus and God get into said golf cart, It hums along quietly, allowing God to talk


God:  You see son, Something that I’ve learned in my millennia ruling, is that no matter how much power one has, things will never work out the exact way you plan it to, and one, must learn to adjust their plans, and, if necessary, compromise and accept an out come other than your ideal expectations.


Jesus: So… what does this exactly have to do with Brocky?


God: This week, Brocky faces a foe that he couldn’t possibly lose to. the league’s worst player by far. So I decided to simply make his fantasy games as agonizing as possible.


Jesus: Wait, What?


God:  Well first, I had most of Brocky’s players under perform during the afternoon games, so he had a not so quiet insurmountable deficit to overcome going into Sunday night’s game. Then I decided to have Julio Jones FINALLY  score his first touchdown of the season, but only in the fourth quarter.  His anxiety will not be quelled, going into the Monday night game, he ‘ll be relying on Jordan Reed, his will finally get his first touchdowns of the season, finally  out the win for Brocky.



Jesus: Okay, but that doesn’t answer my question, and why did we drive all the way over here?


God: Well, in order to up the anxiety, I decided to call up an old friend, behold…





(Turning to God) Jesus: What is this, an empty shrine?



God:  Well, it is a shrine, but it is not empty. You gaze upon the entity known as Shanklor, the god of missed field goals. Brocky has Matt Bryant at kicker, so I had old Shanky here make him miss two field goals. Look again my son, Shanklor will assume the form that your mind deems most appropriate:

Jesus looks:



(sighing) Jesus: and what form does Shanklor take on for you, my father?


God: The old classic:


Fun Fact: If you Google “Scott Norwood” this is the first image that comes up, no additional info neccessary!


Jesus: So Shanklor is like Pennywise, instead of fear he replicates shamed kickers?


God: Precisely my son


Unbeknowset to the two, the late Vikings coach Dennis Green walks by, and gives the trio a passing glance





Green: Mother fucker….


God: Also, I’m going to fuck with Brocky’s phone today, make it stop working for no reason, and I did the same with his laptop, He’ll miss his usual tuesday deadline for his post. Fuck you Brocky. No Pokemon Go for you today!



Brocky has lucked his way to 4 and 3, what does next week hold, will Brocky get a new phone? Well, yes, considering its already been ordered at the time of this writing, but still, Fuck you universe!

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Congratulations, you've wondered to the profile the being commonly known as Brocky, step 2 is washing it off. Brocky is a castaway from the old site, and took part in the great migration of 2015. His tastes can vary from the cynical to the bizarre, and a weird affinity for the band Nightwish. Brocky is a die hard Chicago fan, and can be found hanging his hat in Indiana, his windbreaker in ohio, and once lost a shoe somewhere in northeast michigan (Don't worry lefty, you and your brother WILL be reunited) anything else? feel free to ask... also, if you're wondering about the pic, its a hyena carrying a the head of a lion. King of the Ocean my Ass!
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I’m 7-0 in one league and 6-1 in the other. No big secret, just hard work.

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2-5 in one league, 3-4 in another. It’s a long way down from winning a money league 3 years in a row and finishing in the money 6 years straight.

/No, the other guys in the league aren’t flaying my teams to pieces
//I had a good run…

King Hippo

6-1, thanks to Dingleberry Cousins (and my foe leaving Jordan Reed on his bench)


Shoulda picked up Jeff Heath


“The Holy Trinity is who we thought they were! That’s why we took the damn field! Now, *hits microphone* if you want to crown Jesus you lord and savior, then crown his ass! But, they are who we thought they were, and we let them off the hook!”
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(As true now as it ever was)

Senor Weaselo

Hopefully they’ll be in Brooklyn next year.


Jesus: So why did you make Mike Vanderjagt miss that field goal against the Steelers?

God: Oh that was just a little payback to Tony Dungy. We’re not as close as people think. Also Vanderjagt was kind of a dick.


You can’t trust a man with that many random consonants in his last name.


Jesus: Just gonna leave that one hanging, huh?


Jesús: Wait, does that mean Chris Tucker is dead?

Dios: No, just his career.